Contracts - Get One!

If you are reading this you are interested in a pursuing a BDSM Relationship. This article is about one of the most basic things that should be considered before deciding to get into the lifestyle. Yes, you saw it right lifestyle, not just kinky once in awhile sex. So there are greater expectations here. Making a contract is something you most definitely should consider with a long term partner. In fact, it is my belief that a contract is a cornerstone to a safe, effective, responsible, and fulfilling experience. This article is just about your basic information to get you started.

What is a Contract? Simply put a contract outlines everything expected between two people and formalizes the agreement. There are two types of contracts most often associated with this lifestyle: Non Disclosure Agreement (NDA) and BDSM Contract. For the purposes of this article I will focus on the BDSM Contract, although I will briefly share with you the differences between the two. The NDA is formally drafted by a legal attorney, signed by all parties and is legally enforceable. The primary purpose of one is to basically keep what happens behind closed doors during training or sexual activity private, as it is embarrassing or potentially damaging to one or either party. For breaking this agreement you can, and probably will be sued in civil court. If someone has you sign one of these they mean business, do not talk about what you do to any one. In contrast the BDSM contract is NOT legally enforceable, and is a separate set of documents entirely.

So if a BDSM contract is not legal, why have one? It may seem absurd to some people who have already been into the lifestyle for a long time. I absolutely feel that a contract is necessary for those that are more than just late night, one time, or casual kinksters. This is about laying out in words exactly what is and is not expected physically and behaviorally, the balance of power, guidelines, and responsibilities.

The first and most important thing a contract does is that it formalizes the agreement between Dominant and submissive for a certain length of time. The submissive signs over his or her body and shows their willingness to be used for the pleasure of the Dominant. The intent to submit to direction is the single greatest prize of the relationship, and this part of the contract ensures that ownership is maintained as long as certain guidelines ( mostly concerning safety) are followed during the contract. The length of the contract is determined before it is signed. I recommend shorter ones that can be renewed, say yearly or every two years.

The next thing a contract does is set boundaries. Whether you live with your Dominant or not there are boundaries that need to be set so that you know when you are and are not expected to fulfill your role. Again, this is not just sexual, but includes things such as free time and work. To some Dominants such as myself, you are always property; however, you serve us in your other life by being the best you can be. To yet others you will always do as they command. I allow some free time, as this is the reward for pleasing me. It can be revoked as a punishment. It also sets boundaries to what activities are and are not going to happen. Those activities that are ok, fetishes (probably rewards), soft-line no's (sometime no's or work up to it activity), and hard-line no's (never gonna happen) are all spelled out so that no lines are crossed during training. (I will talk about these in greater detail in another article).

A contract is useful for setting expectations and guidelines for behavior, activities, or appearance/ attire. Behavior is not just in the bedroom, but also in the presence of the Dominant in the streets. It is where you work. It is how you dress. It is the food you make. The way you prepare the Dom's tea or her clothes in the morning. It is the way you are to write your submissive journal, or check in. It is everything you are asked to do, say, etc. I require at minimum that all my pets check in with me daily to pay their respects, and that they ask permission before they touch themselves. Now your contract doesn't have to be this specific, but it might just be depending on your level of commitment. Without outing what is good and what is bad, how can they receive what they are due?

That bring us to what contracts outlines next: Rewards & Punishments. Rewards are those things outlined in the contract that are given out for good behavior. These are privileges such as free time, orgasms, shopping trips, a pair of Mistress's panties to keep, choice of dinners etc. Punishments are those things that are set aside for poor behavior. These things are whippings, humiliations, taking of cellphones, denial of orgasms, revoking of driving privileges, forced activities etc. Sometimes depending on the Dom these can get rather brutal depending on the infraction. Personally, I never cross the line of safety, but rewards and punishments are a very effective mental tool for controlling a submissive.

One final word about safety. All that you do should be outlined in the contract starting from who buys/ maintains the equipment to what your safe words are. Accidents happen, and crossing the line once in a scene means that the scene- and your whole evening is over. As a sub they then have the right to decide whether or not to continue being your sub. Remember, submission is about being willing to be used. That is why putting your hard-lines into a contract, and making sure safety protocols are followed are so vital. Most if not all BDSM activities have an element of danger in them, and THAT is why we like doing them. But there is a right and a wrong way to doing them. If you don't know what you are doing, or you don't know what you want, ask your Dom before you sign your contract. Take your time and research what you do and do not want sexually, as well as what you do and do not want in a contract. Remember, even though it is not legally binding you do not want to upset your Dom by walking out on your contract. They may just know someone that you want to be your next Dom...

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