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A Mother's Point of View

12

The man at the registration desk asks if we would we like to share a locker. How funny, I think. No of course not. I look at Jordan. His headphones on. Not listening. It is his twenty-second birthday. His blonde hair cut short and swept to the side. Barely any stubble on his chin. His facial hair is white and fair. And me, his mother, forty two year's old and giddy like a schoolgirl. Why am I so giddy? I cannot say. Who is to know? I am excited to go swimming with my son. Yes that's it. Today's the day we have been looking forward to. I have been looking forward to. I haven't eaten breakfast. But the sun was shining this morning and that was enough. In early June it isn't always warm. It is today and it will get warmer later my phone says. I have been eating pretty much only Kellogg's Special K for the last month. Now no breakfast this morning. I want to look good. That's ridiculous I tell myself. Good for who? This morning I did my usual three sets of stomach crunches and squats. I am a good looking woman I tell myself.

I feel wrong looking at myself in the mirror. I did this morning though. I turned around and looked at the effect of all those squats. I looked good. Actually, no Clara, you looked gorgeous. Pert. Also it is not like he is going to see you completely without clothes on you are going to be wearing a swimsuit I tell myself! A modest one piece swimsuit.

'Mam' the gentleman at the desk says. He is looking cross. 'Are you and your son sharing? Parents and their children go half price.'

'What do you think Jordan dear?' I ask but he doesn't hear me.

'Oh well.' I am getting flustered. 'If we share a locker do we um...'

'Do you what?'

'Well do we go to that change room over there?'

'Listen lady I don't know if you are deaf or blind but yes that's the changeroom you go to if you are sharing a locker with your child.'

'Oh' I say. I feel my pulse quickening for some reason. There is another feeling also. One I haven't felt in a while.

'Yes.' I say. 'Yes' with more confidence this time. 'We will be sharing a locker.'

The man rolls his eyes at me. I pay him. But who the hell cares right? We are going to be sharing a locker! I shout it in my head. Then I actually feel my arms shaking. My thighs quivering. I almost stop and go back and say no we won't share a locker. This is a bad idea. Then another part of my mind takes over. A more rational me. It is just sharing a locker. It isn't sharing a change room. It is not as if we are going to be changing right in front of each other out in the open. Of course not Clara. That would be insane. That would never happen. Only. Only. Only I have this niggling thought. What if it is the case? Then what? Then what will happen? I tell myself to calm down.

We walk towards the change rooms and enter. Jordan still lost to the world on his headphones. Inside there is a long corridor with a floor to ceiling mirror. I see a woman my age adjusting her goggles and her swimming cap. There is the smell of chlorine. I spot a discarded band aid. Ok I tell myself. Calm down. See this is just another gross changing room. Everything is going to be fine. I turn the corner and the first thing that strikes me is how wet the floor is. So many people traipsing in and out from the pool. I spot a dryer the kind where you shut the lid down and it blasts hot air out over your towel and swimsuit. I was fearing the worst. But everything is very tame. A young mother is helping her children get dressed. Perfectly innocent.

Jordan strolls in.

'Where is our locker?' He speaks!

'Let's see if we can find it.'

We both wander in. There is a sign. Toilets to the left. Showers to the right. Changing stalls straight ahead. We follow the sign. We get to the changing area and I see we are the only ones there. Lucky. I look for the stalls. I see there is actually only a single stall. The lockers are along the wall to the right and benches to the left.

'Oh my my' I say. My heart is beating heavily again. What on earth Clara! It is you and your son. Only he hasn't been home for a while and now he is all grown up. He has become a man. It is strange. I think back. I can barely remember a time when I saw Jordan...you know when I saw him without...

'Which locker mom?' he asks.

I tell him the number.

He drops down his bag. I stand like a fool. There is what I want to do and what I think I should do. Jordan turns around and pulls off his t-shirt. I gasp slightly. Did he hear me? I hope he didn't hear me.

I see his bare shoulders. They are broad. Broader than I remembered. His arms have gotten strong too. He must be doing lots of exercises. I bet he has a girlfriend he is not talking about. He never tells me about girls. He starts digging around in his bag and I see him bring out his speedo. My heart nearly bursts. My better self grabs hold of me. You can't stand here and watch him Clare. Why not? He is my son. What is wrong with it? You just can't, that other part of my mind says. I find myself walking over to the stall. I close the door behind me and breathe deeply.

'Are you ok mom?' he asks.

'Yes I am fine dear. I am just going to get changed in here.'

'Ok mom. Suit yourself' he says.

The door only goes down as far as my knees. There is a mirror in the corner. I dare not look at it. I undress quickly. When I am taking my underwear down I realise that if Jordan is looking from outside he will see my underwear coming off my lower legs. I am mortified. I am embarrassed. But then I think I am also enormously turned on. I am a wicked wicked woman. I let my underwear stay at my ankles. I keep my legs apart. Why I am doing this? I don't know. I can't stop myself. I stand in this ridiculous pose for several seconds. Jordan is probably looking at his phone. He hasn't seen and even if he has seen what will he think. I don't want him to lose respect for me. But then I look up into the mirror and I see myself. I see I am completely smooth after going to the beauty salon earlier this week. I see that I am fully a woman and in this pose nothing is left to the imagination. I think Jordan would love to see his mother like this.

Then I manage to snap out of it. I get changed quickly. I don't look in the mirror anymore. I am so quick in fact that as I leave the stall I see Jordan is actually still changing. He is completely nude. His back is to me. I see his broad shoulders again. His back muscles all ripped. My eyes trail over his buttocks. Smooth, round and small. I see that his bum cheeks are pulled apart slightly as he is pulling up his speedo. It is so quick. But I see him so exposed. I find myself staring.

I nearly fall over.

I don't say anything. I can't say anything. Then quick as a flash he pulls up his speedo. I see him rearrange himself in front. He turns around and it is as if nothing has happened. But I flush. I smile. He smiles. And something passes between us. Did he want me to see him? No. Never. But he took so long. He was getting changed before you went in the stall. Was he changing slowly so that you would catch him? Does he want you to see him naked? Does he know how much pleasure that view of his arsehole has just given you?

I can't believe I have just seen my grown son completely exposed like that.

A thrill of pleasure ripples through my body. I wonder if I should acknowledge what just happened? Or will I embarrass him? I don't say anything.

Suddenly we are walking out towards the pool. I am behind him and I find myself watching his arse cheeks move under the speedo. I watch how his shoulders move with each step. How his muscles tense as he warms up. Then we are outside at the pool and everything is back to normal. There are other people and there is sunshine. It is almost as if what happened moments before was a thing of my imagining. Like a dream. I find that I have gotten myself very excited in a physical way. My swimsuit is dark blue but I quickly make my way to the water just in case. The water is cold at first but soon I have fully submerged my lower half and I am swimming out. I swim a few lengths of breaststroke with my head out of the water. I don't see Jordan for a while.

He is swimming in one of the faster lanes. He swims a slow powerful crawl. He has always been a good swimmer. He just has the right physique. The broad strong shoulders. The thin waist. The big feet. Yes he does have big feet doesn't he. I wonder if his...no Clara you shouldn't wonder about that. But I do imagine it. I imagine it a lot. I wonder how it has grown. Isn't it a mother's right to see it? At least once. Touch it just once. I can't believe I am thinking these things. But then I suspect every mother does about her son. It would be such an honour to hold him. I wonder if he is shy. And then I think no he isn't shy! He must have waited for you earlier. To let you see him. It was perfectly innocent wasn't it. He was just getting changed out in the open. Where else was he going to go? When you opened the door you just happened to see his bottom.

When I climb out of the pool I am tired and my body is tingling. I let the sunshine wash over me.

I sit down and look at myself and think that I have done good work getting into shape. The swimsuit is dark blue and it is modest. But it also has just a single lining. In the store I bought it from the woman at the checkout gave me a wink. Now I see why. It is clinging tightly to my body. I wish Jordan was out of the pool to see me. For a forty-two year old my breasts are still firm. I have always had large nipples. They are big and slightly puffy. Now through my single layer swimsuit they are clearly defined. It gives me a bit of a thrill.

Then I see Jordan getting out and he comes across to me. I admire his torso that looks even more developed after swimming. He comes and sits next to me. He doesn't say much and lies on his back. I am left with a view of crotch. I find myself staring at him.

'How was your swim?'

'Good'. He sits up. He looks at the water. Then he is looking at my chest. I suddenly feel exposed. Vulnerable. He looks away shyly. But I see him taking sly glances. I stroke his shoulder gently.

'Mom about earlier...'

'Yes' I say. Oh god I think.

'I...uh...I guess I am sorry I a flashed you!' he laughs.

I smile. I try to make it a sweet smile.

'I didn't see a thing' I say.

'Oh' he sounds disappointed. 'Really?'

'I have seen your little bottom a thousand times. There is really nothing to be embarrassed about.'

'Ok. Cool mom. I just didn't know if it was...you know...'

He says nothing further and I don't prompt. I am completely flushed. I don't know what to think. So he knew that I saw him. He was embarrassed.

'Are you done swimming honey?'

'I guess so' he says. 'Should we go get changed?' He sounds eager.

I decide to test him.

'You go dear. I am going back into the water for a bit.' I get up. Somehow I feel a lot more exposed standing up. A lot more is revealed. If he waits for me then...then what Clara? I don't know. I turn around to look at him.

'That's cool mom' he says. 'I will just chill here for a bit'

I get back in the water and I am suddenly so excited to go back to the changing rooms. I tell myself to calm down. That I am making stuff up. Reading things into his words that aren't true. But then I think what if he is thinking the same thing as me. What if he wants to get changed in front of me? Pull down his speedos and let his mother admire him. What if he wants to see me undress? I am so excited that I can barely swim.

When I climb out of the pool he jumps up. We walk back to the change room together. We enter the long corridor with the floor to ceiling mirror. There is no one there this time. Just the heavy chlorine smell. The discarded band aids on the floor and lost swimming caps. When we get to the lockers there is someone else there. My heart sinks. I wonder if it is the same for Jordan. The stall is empty. I wish it wasn't. I wonder if I should get changed there. But I don't want to. I won't. I am resolved not to.

The other people are a middle aged man and his three year old son. Both chubby. They mind their own business. Jordan makes a show of drying his feet and I stand about needlessly faffing. I don't know what to do. Then the middle aged man starts getting undressed and so does his son. I don't know if it makes it less awkward or more awkard. I dare not look at them. I see Jordan is not paying them any attention. It strikes me though that maybe this is a good thing. Like any change room you just get undressed. The unwritten rule is that you don't stare and if somebody does stare you don't acknowledge them and quietly and quickly cover up. It is no different now that I happen to be here with my son. There is nothing wrong with this. It is perfectly okay. But my pulse is thumping. My heart hammering in my chest. I am so excited. I feel that it is getting physical again. The pool water had calmed me down. But just thinking about changing in front of Jordan is starting to drive me wild.

Okay there is nothing to be ashamed about Clara. Just do it. I slip my finger under the straps on my shoulders. I bite my lip. Suddenly I am pulling the swimsuit down. I feel my left nipple come out when the middle aged man and his son are suddenly walking by us and into the stall. I quickly pull my swimsuit back up. Jordan is distracted. He didn't see. The stall closes. Did they do that for my benefit I wonder? Calm down. Behind us there are voices. A mother wonders in with her two daughters. They have lost something. They search for their goggles which are eventually found. They leave.

I smile at Jordan. He smiles back at me. Has he been biding his time like me? Waiting for me to reveal myself. Then the stall opens and the middle aged man and his son come quickly out. They are dressed and they leave.

Once again Jordan and I are alone. I slip my finger under the straps on my shoulders. I begin pulling down. I feel that I am wet between my legs. Thank goodness my swimsuit is wet already. I pull the fabric off my left nipple again. My nipple is swollen. It is standing up. The rest of my breast pushes out from under the fabric. I reveal my right breast in the same way. My breasts are heavy. But they don't droop. I am arching my back slightly for full effect. Jordan is looking at me.

I smile fondly at him. He smiles fondly back. My swimsuit is soaking between my legs. We say nothing to each other. He just stares at my breasts and I let him. It is wonderful. My nipples are fully erect with the excitement. They are hard and dark.

'Join me in the showers dear?' I find myself saying.

As I walk out the room. I sway my hips. I feel the benefit of the diet of all that Kellogg's Special K. I have my swimsuit half down. Still covering my butt. It doesn't take long for Jordan to join me in the showers. He is still wearing his speedo. I soap up and I feel his eyes all over me. I wonder what he is thinking. I want him to take off his speedo.

'You are not going to get clean in those young man.' I chide.

'But mom...'

'No buts.' I continue rinsing myself. But he hasn't taken them off. I am so beyond anything I thought I was capable of right now. I turn around from Jordan so that my back is facing him. I begin pulling down my swimsuit. I start to look over my shoulder. I can see he is soaping up but he is also staring at me. There is nothing wrong with this I tell myself. He is simply curious. We need to clean ourselves. It would be unhygienic to not remove our swimsuits completely. I feel my swimsuit drop down to my ankles. Bending from the waist I move to pick it up. I linger in that pose for a bit. I pretend to be examining my toes.

'Are you okay mom?' Jordan asks.

'Oh what? Yes. Yes I am'

'I thought you might have something in your toes.' I turn around. It is the most liberating feeling in the world being nude in front of Jordan like this and having a conversation.

'I was just checking that there was nothing there. You never know what you might stand on...' He is staring transfixed at my crotch. I am standing as demurely as possible in the circumstances.

'Jordan honey. Don't stare' I laugh. But I want him to stare.

'Sorry mom'. He pulls his eyes away and goes back to washing himself. I want him to feel the same liberation that I feel. A wave of girlish naughtiness takes over me.

'Speedo off son' I command.

'Mom I don't want you to see me with my...'

I wait for him to turn around. He is rinsing himself and I pants him.

He is frozen. I giggle. His perfect bum from earlier is in front of me. His legs are muscled as is his lower back.

When he turns around I let out a gasp. His penis is huge. It is erect and throbbing.

'I am so embarrassed' he says. Trying to cover up. 'I didn't want you to see me hard.' His face is all red.

It is the sweetest thing. He is so embarrassed. His penis is bigger than I expected. I stare in amazement. It is about average length. But the girth is what I am impressed with. I hadn't expected him to have an erection. Not in all my fantasies. Now he is practically throbbing.

I giggle. I put my hands over my mouth.

'When I saw you. Mom you are gorgeous. It just happened. I am sorry.'

My heart nearly breaks. I move to hug him. It is a hug of affection. Of gratitude. But I hold back. I realise to hug him would be crossing a line. Not in the state he is in.

'Don't be sorry' I say. I smile. 'I am touched that you have an erection for me. It is very pleasing sweetie.' I am soaked between my thighs.

He starts turning around again. A lustful force I can't control takes over me. I catch him by the shoulder. I pull him towards me. He doesn't resist. I take him by his other arm. I hold him like that for a few moments. He is looking down at my body submissively. I move forward into him. We embrace. He is wet and warm against my skin. His chest is muscled and hard. He holds me firmly. I feel his throbbing penis against my stomach. I gasp.

Jordan pulls me away and I don't want to let him. But he is taking me by the shoulders and it is suddenly rough.

I think of somebody coming in. Other people. But it is too late. I am not thinking clearly anymore. Neither is he. He bends me over. I feel myself completely revealed to him. My knees on the shower floor. My back arched. My arse in the air. I feel him press himself against me. He begins to push himself in.

'Jordan' I say. I can barely control myself. I realise that he must have a view of me completely opened up. My labia have swollen and opened. By vagina is dripping. The way I am bent means that my anus is also on display. It gives me the biggest rush. Sometimes when I have fantasised I have imagined Jordan seeing my anus. It is a feeling of complete objectification. Of me at my most base. To see his own mother's arsehole like this. 'Jordan' I say again but he is already pressing himself against me. My body is enveloping him. 'No.' I manage to say.

'No?' he asks disbelief in his voice.

'I am your mother' I say.

'But I thought...'

He lets go of me. I nearly fall over but manage to brace myself on floor with my hands. My breasts are swinging below me. My nipples are just brushing the shower floor.

'No son you can't put your penis in there.'

'I am sorry' he says. 'I know. I just couldn't believe this was happening. I wanted you so badly. I wanted you to see me naked. I wanted you to see my penis, I wanted to make you happy. I thought this is what you wanted. When I saw your vagina lips and that you have been waxed completely smooth I began to lose control. I want you to feel my penis inside of you. I can't help myself.'

'I want to feel your penis in me too.' I say. 'But not in my vagina.'

I pause. There is silence in the shower. Just the water splashing on the floor.

'Not in your vagina?' he asks at length.

12
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