Breaking the Ice Ch. 04

"I can't move. I'm trying, but I can't move."

The room felt like a bleak metal box, no windows and not enough oxygen. I was alone, sitting on my bed, which was also a desk with a blank exam paper in front of me. "What are the questions?" I ask no one. "I don't know the questions."

I hear Shane's voice, but he's far away, as if he's on a speaker. It's not just him. I hear the giggles of one girl and the erotic whispers of another. The exaggerated cries of passion don't disgust me, they arouse me uncomfortably. I'm hot, and the room suddenly bursts into flames. I don't move, I don't try to escape, I just stare at the desk, the black hole it has turned into. "Come with me, Contessa." My mother's voice accompanies the thin, black claw with deadly sharp talons reaching for me out of the hole, forcing its way into my chest and squeezing the life out of me. "You deserve this, you stupid bitch."

I bolted upright, gasping for air. My eyes scanned the dark room in a panic, as if the images were still around me. The only noise was the sound of Austin snoring at the edge of the bed, and the digital clock on the nightstand flashed 4:30 a.m. Shit, I'm late. Shane would be home from his 72-hour shift at five, and there was no way I'd be able to shower and get back into our bed before he found it empty. After changing the sheets and remaking the bed in the guest room I'd been sleeping in, I settled for splashing my face with cold water and changing out of my sweat-soaked pajamas, deciding to go downstairs and make coffee instead of pretending I was asleep.

Since we got back from his family in Texas it's been two weeks of anxiety nightmares every night. It was the same every time: some exaggerated version of my mother, losing Shane, dying...it altered each night, but the basic elements remained the same. I'd woken him up two nights in a row before I started sneaking off into the guest room when he fell asleep, making sure to be back in our bed before he woke. I'd started feeling more and more anxious, and trying to be conscious not to alarm him just added to that anxiety. I ate, I took my meds, and we still had sex, though his touch felt...off. There was no hair pulling, hand around my throat or smacking my ass; it was slow, delicate. As if I were fragile and he was afraid he'd break me.

I heard the door of his truck slam shut and headed down the stairs, hitting the last step as he walked through the door. "Hi."

He set his gear by the front door, taking his hoodie over his head and tossing it on the arm of the couch. "Hi, sweetheart. You're up early."

"I'm just excited to see you. Do you want coffee?" I didn't wait for an answer, going straight to the cabinet to pull out the coffee can and filters. I shakily started adding the dark grounds into the machine when he gently took the measuring spoon out of my hand and laid it on the counter. He gingerly turned me around toward him to coax me into a silent hug. We stood there, our breathing the only sound between us until I tilted my head back to look at him, my voice as unsteady as my hand had been. "Shane, can we go to bed?"

"Mmhmm." He followed me up the stairs to our room, where I sat cross-legged on one side of our bed while he lay on his side in front of me, his hand resting on my knee. I opened my mouth and shut it several times, not knowing where to start. I began with the first thing that popped into my head. "I need you to fuck me."

He raised his eyebrow, clearly not expecting me to lead with that. "I...have been? At least, I think I have."

I shook my head, tucking my hair behind my ears. "No, I mean I need you to really fuck me. You've been handling me like glass and it's driving me crazy. I'm wound up and it helps calm me down, as weird as that sounds."

"Tell me why you're so wound up, and I'll see what I can do."

I inhaled deeply, wanting to get it out and over it. "I thought I was getting better with things changing, but with getting married and finding out you were married and meeting your family and the changes in my family...it's a lot of stuff in a three week period. My mind is running and running and I'm fine during the day but then at night I'm having these dreams, these really frightening nightmares about my mom and death and it's freaking me out because I'm tired of my brain getting in the way of everything and I just want one day to be quiet and still and not worry about anything or keeping it together and I want to talk to you, I'm trying to talk to you but I come off like a crazy person and I don't want you to regret marrying me and..." I took in a big breath, lungs hurting from expelling everything so quickly, "that's it."

He reached up to pet my cheek, his face remaining unaffected for all I'd just unloaded on him. "Those are a lot of thoughts rollin' around in that pretty lil' head of yours."

I leaned forward at the hip, resting my forehead on the bed. "I'm so tired."

"I'll bet. Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go to your therapist appointment later today." I sat up abruptly, silently questioning his statement. "Yes, sweetheart, 'we'. You were doin' so much better with talking to me about this stuff before it snowballed, and since the whole...Carrie thing, I think you've lost trust in me."

"I trust you." My quiet declaration made him shake his head. "I think you forgive me, but that's not the same thing. So let's go talk about it, and afterwards I'm takin' you away for the next couple of days."

"Shane, classes start on Monday."

"And you'll have the weekend to get ready for it." I started to protest again when he brought his finger to his lips. "Shh. This isn't negotiable. You want to be fucked like the dirty girl you are?" I drew my bottom lip into my mouth and nodded. "Then for the next seventy-two hours, you do what I say, without question. You just said you're exhausted tryin' to be in control of everything, so I'm gonna do it for you." I must have looked uneasy because he sat up, wrapping his long legs around mine as he caressed my face in his hands. "I think it might help a little."

I paused, the idea exciting me a bit. "You don't have to do this."

"Have to? Hell, I want to. You have your outlet and I have mine. They just so happen to both involve fuckin' your brains out. So," he laced his fingers through my thick hair, "do we have a deal?" I nodded again, the gesture causing him to pull on the tresses. "Use your words, sweetheart.

I swallowed thickly. "Yes, we have a deal."

"Good girl. Now get in the bed and take a nap while I get everything arranged." I closed my eyes, already half asleep before my head hit the pillow.

***

We sat in Dr. Owen's office, Shane's legs almost reaching Owen's chair from the couch. He smiled toward us, clearly pleased Shane was joining my session. "Why don't we start with why you're both here today?"

We looked at each other, then Shane started. "We eloped about a month ago."

"Congratulations."

"Thanks. Since then we...she found out I was married before, which was a stupid mistake on my part because I should have told her. Then we went to my family in Texas where we had a little spat with my sister. Ever since we got back she's been pullin' away, I guess."

Dr. Owen clicked and unclicked his pen carefully. "Tess? Thoughts?"

I hadn't realized how hard it was going to be having to talk with him here, so I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and started. "It's been a lot, but I forgave him for not telling me and I really just want to move on."

Shane laughed harshly. "Is that why you sneak out of our bed every night to sleep down the hall?" I inhaled a sharp breath of surprise as he continued. "Really Tess, do you still not think I know you by now? I hear you screamin' and cryin' in the middle of the night, and I hate that you think you have to keep it from me."

"I'm not...okay, maybe I am trying to keep it from you, but only because I'm trying like hell to be the non-crazy wife you want me to be."

Shane's angry expression was coming on full force. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I've been nothing but supportive of you."

Crossing my arms tightly across my chest, I instinctively got defensive. "Yeah, when it's convenient for you. As long as everything is all sunshine and roses you're golden, but the moment I have an off-day it's all, "Oh Tess is going crazy, again. Let's go and fix her before she loses her shit, again." It's like I can't be the slightest bit unhappy about anything without the added guilt of how it's affecting you, when it's not even about you! It's maddening."

"You know what's fuckin' maddening is -"

"Whoa, hey. Let's take a step back." Dr. Owen interrupting our inevitable fight. "Let's approach this calmly. Shane, in a nutshell, tell Tess what your concern is."

Shane focused on the doctor instead of me. "I don't think she trusts me, and I think that one day I'm going to do or say something and she's going to leave."

"And Tess?"

I stared at my husband's profile, wringing my hands together. "I don't think he trusts me, and I think one day my anxiety is going to be too much to deal with and he's going to leave."

Dr. Owen took a brief note before he responded. "It seems as if you two have the same issue, just for different reasons. Tess, why do you think Shane feels the way he does?"

"Oh. Um...probably because I did leave...twice." I turned to Shane, holding onto the sleeve of his shirt. "But neither of those times had anything to do with you, and we're married now. Do you really think I'm just going to up and leave you?"

He finally turned to me, running his hand through his hair as he figured out how to say what was on his mind. "Tess, you're not the most...emotionally expressive person. It's like I have to constantly draw it out of you: what you're thinkin', how you're feeling...you don't just give up your thoughts willingly. So...yeah, if I were to stop tryin' to get you to open up, I think you'd run in a heartbeat. If I hadn't come to you about Sydney's party, would you have ever called me again? Would we be together right now?"

I opened my mouth to dispute him and was incredibly embarrassed when I couldn't. Dr. Owen took pity on me. "Shane, why do you think Tess feels the way she does?"

"I honestly have no fuckin' clue." He turned to me, exhaustion in his eyes. "Can you at least tell me that?"

I scratched at my hand nervously, the clock ticking down as I formulated my answer. "You're right, I don't just open up easily, and I can't imagine how hard that must be for you to deal with...but let's face it, Shane. Our whole relationship began with 'the savior and the one who needs to be saved' dynamic, and I think you like it that way, until things get hard. Then there's all this resentment when you can't fix me. I know I'm not easy to be with and I'm sorry for that, but I need you to see me as your partner, your wife, not a problem that you need to solve." My small voice was a strong contrast to the considerable weight on my chest. "I don't feel like I can really be myself around you." I kept my head down as I had no desire to see how Shane was registering what I told him.

Dr. Owen tapped his pen on his leather chair. "Time's up, I'm afraid, but you both did excellent work today. The key is to keep talking - for both of you to keep talking - and try to communicate out in the open instead of automatically assuming the other person is anticipating your needs. Tess," I lifted my head as he addressed me, "I think it's time we explored different medications for you. The Ativan seems to work in a pinch, but the Wellbutrin and Lexapro don't sound to be helping anymore. I'd like to prescribe Fetzima for the day and Sinequan to help you sleep. I'll call them into your pharmacy."

I thanked him quietly as Shane and I headed out to his truck. After opening my door he waited for me to get settled in my seat before closing it gently. He hopped into the driver's side and fastened his seatbelt before starting the engine. We drove off in silence to a direction I was unfamiliar with, but we were together, and that was a good start.

***

We arrived at our destination as the sun was setting, the two hour drive feeling twice as long since we weren't exactly speaking to each other. We pulled up to the garage of a beautiful two story house about a stone's throw away from the beach. He helped me down from my seat before grabbing both my hand and a duffel bag out of the bed of the truck. The large front porch was home to four rockers, two on each side of the door, and an array of potted plants and flowers.

The entrance inside the house was bright and airy, the large windows allowed a lot of natural light; the white and tan furniture and navy blue walls giving off a modern beachy feel. I turned to him while feeling the soft fabric of the couch. "This place is amazing."

He gave me a soft kiss on the temple in passing to the kitchen. "Thank you. Drink?"

"Please." I followed him to the kitchen, light oak wood cabinets with white marble backsplash on the walls, as he pulled a corkscrew from the drawer. "You're very familiar with everything here."

"I should be, seein' as it's my house. Our house now, I guess." He popped the cork on the bottle of cabernet, grabbing two wine glasses from the glass door cabinet and setting them in front of me as he poured. "It's the second or third house I've renovated, instead of sellin' it I rent it out to this sweet family during the summers. I haven't actually stayed here in three or four years."

"How did you get into the whole house flipping business?"

He clinked my glass with his, leaning back against the counter as we both drank. "Well, when my grandpa died, he left his house in Alabama to me and my sisters, who wanted nothing to do with it. After the divorce I really needed to get the hell out of Texas, so I moved there to fix it up. I planned on livin' there but someone put in an offer for it, and that was that. I bounced around the country renovating houses up until a year ago, the last house being in Connecticut."

I set my glass near the sink, covering my knuckles with the sleeves of my cardigan. "So what made you stay in North Haven?"

"The firefighting thing was a random choice, something to do while I remodeled the house. I had planned on movin' back to Texas when it was done, but every time I started plannin' to leave, something in the back of my mind kept pushin' it back, saying "not yet, not yet."

"You should probably get those voices checked out." I joked awkwardly. He rested his glass next to mine, standing in front of me and locking my gaze with his. "Do you believe in soulmates, sweetheart?"

I pondered his question for a brief moment. "Not particularly, no."

"Neither do I, but out of all the places I've moved in and out of, that's where I decided to stay. Tell me, why did you decide to go to Yale?"

"Because it's a good school." He gathered my hands into his, pulling them to his chest. "Yeah, but it can't have been the only place you got into, and I'm sure you wanted to get away from your parents. So why did you stay?"

"I think...it felt like where I needed to be."

He kissed my knuckles before placing our hands over his heart. "Tess, both of us wanting to leave, but stayin' for a nameless reason? Maybe we were waiting' for each other. Tell me one more thing and then I'm taking you to bed. Why did you come home with me after your accident?"

"Because you're domineering and pushy." He chuckled lightheartedly as he released my hands, placing one of his on my hip. I closed my eyes, trying to recall my feelings that day. "I remember feeling safe. Even with my mom being a heinous bitch toward you, you were unbothered. In fact, until our first little blowout over my date with Sam you were in such a good mood all the time." I looked down toward my feet as I finished my thought, "You were so happy and now you're not, and that's because of me. We started dating and everything was so serious and intense. I'm sorry."

"Come with me, darlin'." He led me up the staircase, stopping to grab the duffel bag along the way. Through the first door at the top of the stairs was the master suite. A king sized bed with white and peach colored bedding complimented the dark grey walls, with a large fireplace on the opposite side. Sky blue end tables were home to various travel books, there were a few chairs and a chaise lounge near the large bay window. The room was absolutely gorgeous, temporarily distracted me from our purpose here.

"Get undressed, Contessa."

He left me in the middle of the floor so he could light the fireplace. By the time the wood ignited into a steady flame I was nude, he turned around and his eyes travelled the length of my body with a hunger I hadn't seen in weeks. I wrapped one arm over my stomach and another across my breasts, feeling incredibly exposed before he came to me and tugged my arms down. "No more hiding from me. All the hesitation and fear and distrust that we've been letting take over lately, we're gonna leave it here and we're gonna do it together." Silently he stripped, pulling his shirt over his head before pushing his jeans and underwear to the floor as well. We weren't just naked at that moment, we were bare to each other.

He gripped the sides of my waist, walking me backwards until I bumped against the wall near the bed. "Sweetheart, don't mistake my attitude toward you as something' negative. I've never taken anything or anyone as serious as I do you, and that's not a bad thing. It just feels like we take one step forward and two steps back...that might be because we're still learnin' about each other. And it's not all on you, either, I know I have my own shit that needs to be worked out too. So I'm not unhappy, I'm just...focused on fixin' this."

I peeked up at him through my eyelashes, trying to understand what he meant. "I'm sorry I make you angry all the time."

"Ha! Not all the time, but I piss you off just as much. You're a stubborn woman, and you're hard as hell to figure out. Any other girl would be long gone by now for as much trouble you put me through." I stuck my tongue out at him and laughed when he tried to grab it with his fingers. "That right there is why I fell in love with you."

"Because of my tongue? Dirty old man."

"No, though that definitely didn't hurt when we got to it. When you let it out, you have this...unmatched joy that lights up your whole face. About a week after I met you, when I did that stupid fuckin' Donald Duck voice and you laughed, and I mean really laughed...I was floored. I'd accepted I was gonna have this life of as a bachelor, but that laugh...it healed me and destroyed me all at once. It feels like the longer we're together, the further your happiness seems to get. I fuckin' hate that you don't feel you can be yourself with me, because I love every damn part of you, even the bad stuff. I mean...shit, Tess. I'm sorry if I'm putting too much pressure on you to be normal."

I brushed his cheek with my hand as he closed his eyes to collect himself. "The second time you kissed me. That's when I fell in love with you."

"Oh man, not the first? Maybe I'm not as good as I thought." He opened his eyes and I beamed up at him, endlessly amused with his entire being. "There's my wife. I've missed you. Go on."

"The first time we kissed it was just...fireworks, you know? I haven't been kissed a whole lot and I certainly hadn't been kissed like that. I...did not know that I had those feelings inside me; it was lustful, and it was dirty, and it was just really fucking hot." A smug look came across his face, causing me to laugh again. "Yes, you know it was hot, asshole. I honestly thought it was a fluke, all the pent-up attraction attributed to it and I just knew there was no way it could be like that. Then when you kissed me later that night all I remember thinking was 'my God, I want to spend the rest of my life kissing this guy'. Now I get to. I am happier than I've been my entire life, I swear to you. I know I'm always in my head and I can be immature and selfish...I know I don't always say it, but I love you. I love you with every bone and cell and molecule in my body. I'm not running. I'm not leaving, I'm here because I want to be here. I may have healed your life, but you created mine." I shook my head as tears fell down my face. "I think I ruined sexy times."