I Keep Reaching Ch. 06

*Author's note: I've reworked the first 5 chapters before uploading this chapter. If you're a first time reader, I strongly recommend reading the first 5 chapters before reading this one. I don't do much of that backpedaling thing that authors do sometimes to make their content more transparent.

This chapter has a lot of build up, so proceed with caution.

This is the last chapter of I Keep Reaching.

****

I had slept for a long time. I awoke to the sight of Chloe's silky, although disheveled, dark auburn hair inches from my face. My mouth felt gross and dry; my stomach lurched with the familiar pangs of nausea. I was spooning Chloe from behind; I could feel her bare legs against mine, which was odd because she still had her blouse on. The next thing I noticed was the familiar scent of Chloe's sweet, musky arousal. Then it all came flooding back to me.

I felt a rush of panic as I recalled the events of the night before. I had been at a party with around a dozen people, Chloe included. I had gotten drunk -- no, hammered would have been a more accurate description. We had played an assortment of drinking games and I somehow ended up in a dimly lit closet with Chloe. What the fuck is wrong with me? I chastised myself. I had fucked Chloe in the closet!

My mind was a whirlwind as I stared at the back of Chloe's sleeping head. Her breathing was so even, so peaceful. I couldn't see her face but I imagined her lips were curled into a short grin. She always seemed to have a little smile on her face as she slept, as if she was having a pleasant dream. I also noticed the absence of Robert's snoring. The room was silent, almost tranquil if it wasn't for the distant voices across the dormitory and the occasional thump against the floor or the walls. I couldn't deny that being so close to her right then was exceedingly comforting. I wanted to lean forward and kiss the back of her neck, possessively hold her against me, but I resisted.

One thing was clear to me and that was that I couldn't let what had happened affect the progress Chloe and I had made towards a normal sibling relationship. Maybe I was struggling to come to terms with the reality of our situation, but Chloe seemed to be moving on fine. She had Kyle, after all, and seemed to be making a lot of friends in her new college life. In fact, last night had been the first night in over a month since Chloe had slept over. Certainly last night had just been a fluke; we were both drunk and it had been Chloe's first experience with alcohol. Again, I ridiculed myself for being so stupid and selfish.

Eventually I conjured up a plan. It sucked, but I'm not clever.

I needed to brush my teeth and get a glass of water so I carefully pushed the blanket off my body and slid off the end of the bed before creeping into the bathroom. We didn't have a kitchen so I drank from the bathroom sink's faucet. After cleaning up, I found a few plastic cups and filled them with water, placing one of the cups on the my nightstand next to Chloe.

I sat down at my desk, opening my laptop, and waited for Chloe to wake up. I was undoubtedly nervous as I waited. Nervous because I wasn't sure if my plan would work and nervous because I didn't want it to. It has to work, I reminded myself, for Chloe's sake.

Eventually, I heard Chloe begrudgingly wake up. I rotated in my computer chair to see Chloe had turned over and was now lying on her back, the back of her right hand covering her forehead as she grimaced.

A groan escaped her lips before she cried, "God, my head is killing me!"

I opened a small drawer in my desk and fetched a bottle of aspirin before shooting up from my chair and handing Chloe two small pills and the cup of water on the nightstand.

"Thank you," she said. She gulped down the two aspirin before lying back down on the bed. Her eyes were clenched shut as the back of her hand returned to her forehead. Another groan escaped her mouth.

"Pretty crazy night, huh?" Chloe asked, the aspirin pills quickly working their magic on her aching head.

"Yeah.." I started. "I don't even remember how we got back here." I closed my comment with the most sincere "ha ha" I could muster.

This is the moment of truth, I thought. I needed her to believe me, for her own sake. There was a voice in my mind, pounding on the barriers of my higher consciousness, hoping that Chloe would see through my deception, but I restrained it. This needed to work.

It was an admittedly weak strategy. I certainly realized that much, but I had to try. For Chloe's sake and my own, I had to try. If I could somehow convince Chloe that the events of the night before were nothing more than crazy, drunken mistakes then maybe she could put this behind her and move passed it. She had already come so far.

Chloe rolled her eyes and stared at me for a moment, disinterested. I honestly couldn't tell if she believed my fiction or not.

"I'm gonna take a shower," she said, moving her legs off the bed and standing up. She moved to the bathroom door and was standing in front of it when she asked, "Care to join me?"

Fuck me. Of course I wanted to join her! The pounding in my head became louder and took on a faster tempo and I nearly gave in but ultimately held it off.

"We can't.." was what I managed to filter through the confliction in my mind.

Chloe had been smiling before she asked, but after I turned her down, her smile turned to sadness. She slowly nodded before slipping into the bathroom.

Damnit! I cursed myself. The last thing I wanted to do was make her unhappy.

Fifteen minutes later, Chloe returned from the shower wrapped in a brown towel. I was at my desk, doing homework, when she came inside the room. I allowed her some privacy as she pulled out some clothes from my dresser. After she dressed, I turned to face her.

"Hungry?" I asked. Chloe was sitting on the edge of my bed. She was wearing a pair of my gym shorts and a plain white t-shirt. Needless to say, they were very baggy on her slender body.

"Yeah," she muttered.

After we exited the dormitory, Chloe reached for my hand and grasped it. We walked to the cafeteria like this, hand in hand.

We were sitting next to each other on a round wooden cafeteria table after fixing our plates when Chloe turned to me and asked, "So you don't remember what happened last night?"

"Well, I remember being in a big circle in the living room and playing drinking games but everything after that is a blur," I said, sipping on my glass of water to hide my deception.

Chloe was silent for a few seconds, staring at her plate as she considered my words.

"So.. you don't.. remember.." Chloe started to say, trailing off.

"Remember what?" I asked, almost too quickly.

"N-nothing."

We didn't speak for the remainder of the meal. I didn't know what to say. I knew what I wanted to say; I wanted to tell her, "Yes, Chloe, I remember. It was unforgettable, just like every moment I spend with you," but I couldn't. Several times I thought she was about to speak, but she never did, instead solemnly staring down at her plate and waiting for me to make a move.

As we finished eating, to my shame and deepest regrets, I never did make that move. We brought our dishes to the designated area and left the cafeteria. We walked in silence back to our dorm rooms, Chloe's hand notably absent from mine. When we reached my building, she waved and forced a smile before leaving me.

****

We didn't go home that weekend. I was feeling homesick as usual but I couldn't bring myself to talk to Chloe. So in silent agreement, or perhaps mutual inaction, we stayed on campus.

The next week came and passed with virtually no interaction between the two of us. Usually Chloe would stop by at the end of my basketball practices and walk with me to my dorm room. My Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday evening practices came and ended without Chloe's presence. Chloe had long stopped spending nearly every evening with me, but prior to the events of the party, she was still spending at least an evening or two with me a week. Usually just hanging out, watching movies or playing video games with Robert.

I hadn't seen her all week and it was having an effect on me. I realized that week that Chloe was like a pillar to the foundation that was me. Without her, I felt unstable and unfocused.

That Friday, I had a basketball game. It was an important game, just like any other, but this one was against a closely seeded team and would play a critical role in our team's future playoff chances. Throughout the game, I would peer around the stadium and try to find her, find Chloe. God, I would have given anything just to see her wave and cheer for me but I couldn't find her. I played the best I could, but my heart just wasn't in it. My mind was too jumbled and confused over the mess I had created with Chloe. We lost.

The following weekend, we stayed on campus again.

I desperately wanted to call Chloe or text her but I was too afraid of what she would say to me. Would she even talk to me? Did she hate me? Of course she hated me, I realized. She was moving on, and I was nothing but an obstruction. I had taken advantage of her when she was in an extremely delicate state of mind. Now that she was over her depression, her life was on the upswing as she flourished in her new college life.

I felt like the worst kind of brother and that I was just loose baggage to her at this point. She didn't need me anymore and her absence made that overwhelmingly clear to me. The realization crushed me as I agonized in my self pity.

The following Monday, I skipped class. All day, I sat in front of my laptop and drowned myself in the world of video games and loud music, hopelessly trying to distract myself from the sobering reality that I no longer had a place in Chloe's life.

The next day followed the same pattern. I remembered my phone ringing a few times and recognizing Kyle's name on the caller ID, no doubt wondering why I wasn't at basketball practice. I ignored the calls but seeing Kyle's name on my phone gave me another bitter realization: Chloe was probably spending more time with him now. I felt like my chest was going to explode.

I was again confronted with the option of calling Samantha, but I decided not to. I was a fucking basket case and would have only needlessly complicated her life.

By Wednesday I was a complete shut-in. I skipped class again and completely ignored all of my responsibilities. I had things to do; I needed to go to the gym. I needed to go grocery shopping. I had homework, probably loads more now that I had missed several classes. I needed to make up an excuse for my basketball coach explaining why I had missed Tuesday's practice. The list went on and on, but I just couldn't bring myself to do any of it. Eventually I realized that if I couldn't break out of this funk that I would have to drop out of school. Leave basketball behind; leave my scholarship behind.

Despite this realization, Thursday started in much the same way the prior three days had. My alarm clock promptly buzzed at 8:30AM to wake me up for my ten o'clock class but I turned it off and kept sleeping. I slept in now, I guess.

Later that day, I heard Robert enter the dorm room. It was late afternoon and he was returning from class.

I vaguely remember him saying "what's up?" or something and I just waved him off. I was heavily invested in a long, drawn out game when Robert suddenly slammed down the screen of my laptop.

"What the fuck, dude?" I snarled, pulling the earbuds out of my ear.

Robert moved to his desk chair and sat down before turning to look at me.

"Well?" I asked, still angry at his interruption.

"What's up with you? You're skipping class now? What's going on?"

Damnit, I thought to myself. This was just like Robert, trying to pry into the personal affairs of others that he had no business poking around in. Why couldn't he just let me sit here and feel sorry for myself?

"I'm fine," I lied, opening my laptop and staring blankly at the screen.

"No, you're not, Erik. Stop skipping class."

"My attendance is no concern of yours!" I barked. "It's just a few days, it's no big deal."

I was still staring at my laptop screen, hoping he would just drop it. We were both silent for nearly thirty seconds before Robert spoke again.

"Is this about Chloe?" he asked.

"No," I lied again, after what felt like a reasonable amount of time for a response.

"I'm not stupid, you know," Robert said, confirming my fears. "I see the way you two act around each other."

I was speechless. As if things weren't already bad enough, now I had Robert nosing around in my personal life. I didn't say anything, instead hoping he would just ignore the subject and move on.

"You love her," he said. It sounded more like an epiphany than a statement of fact.

"Of course I love her, she's my sister," I responded, trying to deflect his comment.

On the inside, I was deeply mourning the loss of my relationship with Chloe, but I still clung to the hope that she could emerge from the ashes unscathed.

"No, Erik," Robert explained. "You're in love with her."

Again, I was speechless. I was silent for a long time when Robert asked, "It's true, isn't it?"

Yes, it was true. I was in love with Chloe and we lived in a world where that kind of love wasn't accepted, and apparently it was written all over my face.

"Yes.." I confessed.

"Well, you better tell her then because I suspect Kyle is going to try to push things along with her."

Kyle's mentioning created a slight twinge of an emotional response, nothing more. At first, breaking contact with Chloe had a more immediate emotional response but after all this time, I just felt numb.

"That's fine," I lied. Truthfully, I didn't know what kind of impact that would have on me.

"Oh, come on, Erik!" Robert chided. "Life's too short, man. You need to talk to her."

I felt anger flaring up in me again and turned to look at him, "Don't you understand? She's my sister!" I shouted. After a pause, I added, "We have the same parents, do you understand? I can't be with her!"

I felt the walls closing in on me, urging me to break down, but my practiced mind easily pushed them back. I turned away from him and stared at my laptop.

"Who cares?" Robert asked with a laugh. "I don't care. Just be with her, man."

I responded with a snide laugh. "Wow, so you really don't understand," I said, turning back to face him. "Let me explain. It's illegal. Our parents would disown us. Chloe would be homeless. She'd drop out of school. She'd lose all her friends. She'd lose everything."

Why didn't he understand? I wondered. It felt stupid to have to explain all of this to him. He wasn't a genius or anything but he was an educated person. I was getting impatient and irritated again.

Then, in a moment of clarity and anger, and before I had the chance to filter the words, I said, "Of course you don't understand. You don't have a family."

Robert looked down at his desk and shook his head. I instantly regretted my words, but on some level, some conceited, narcissistic, intensely jealous level, I felt like he deserved it. It was unlike me to be this insensitive but I felt those things.

Robert bolted up from his chair and snarled, "Fuck you, Erik," before leaving the dorm room and slamming the door behind him.

****

I fell asleep early that night. I had to turn my phone off so I wouldn't have to listen to it ring as my basketball associates were no doubt trying to contact me. Robert eventually came back, of course, but by the time he returned, I was sleeping.

The next day, Friday, was different. I played hooky again, sleeping in until the sun was high in the sky, but around two in the afternoon, I got a text message from Chloe. My heart leapt in my chest as I looked at her message:

Chloe: I want to go home.

Chloe had only two classes on Fridays, the second class ending just before one in the afternoon. This usually gave us just enough time to catch the tail end of the lunch rush before getting an early start on the weekend. I felt like I hadn't eaten a meal with Chloe in ages, but it had really only been a few weeks.

So, Chloe wants to go home, I thought. I couldn't blame her, I was certainly familiar with homesickness, but what was the point for me? Make the two hour trip home for the weekend just to drive back? Just to drive another two hours back to campus and do nothing for another week? It felt like a waste of perfectly good gasoline to me, but still, this was Chloe. She was homesick and I was her only means to get home.

I hadn't eaten in days at this point as I just had no desire to walk to the cafeteria or go grocery shopping. I had been hungry, sure, but those chores were just too low on my list of priorities. Seeing Chloe's words on my phone, however, made my heart beat faster and I realized I was starving. With tense fingers, I started drafting a response.

Erik: Okay. I'm going to stop by the cafeteria first.

To which Chloe responded:

Chloe: I'll meet you there.

I felt more alive than I had in weeks and took a quick shower before getting dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a t-shirt. I found my red hoodie, labeled with my school's initials, and pulled it over my head and left.

As I walked the short distance to the cafeteria, I was nervous that I would run into some of my basketball teammates. Luckily, since it was close to 3:00PM on a Friday, I didn't.

Chloe wasn't there when I arrived. The lunch rush had long ended but the cafeteria stayed open all day and only closed sometime after dinner. As it was, I didn't have a lot of options so I got a cheeseburger and some tater tots, both of which had been sitting for at least an hour. I warmed them up in the microwave before getting a glass of water and sat down at a booth close to the entrance.

The tater tots were mushy and greasy and the cheeseburger was bland, but I devoured them. Usually I had to mix up my food choices as most of the food in the cafeteria was similarly tasteless, but in this moment, this cheeseburger was the most delicious thing I'd ever eaten. I swallowed the food down in record time and got up to get seconds.

I spotted Chloe as I walked back to the booth with a fresh plate. My world froze as we made eye contact.

She was wearing a black cardigan with white buttons that ran vertically up the center of the sweater, with long sleeves that covered her arms. It was form fitting, but it fit her hourglass figure perfectly. The top button was undone, revealing a small patch of pale skin under her neck. The material ended right at her waist and where her dark blue jeans started. They hugged her limbs enticingly, showing off her long, toned legs and what can be achieved with regular exercise and steady dieting. She had one strap of her backpack over her right shoulder and held onto it while the backpack and the other strap dangled behind her.

She looked beautiful, strong and confident, so unlike how I felt on the inside.

Chloe gave me a shy wave with her free hand and I acknowledged her with a half-smile. I moved to the booth and sat down before Chloe joined me.

Chloe placed her backpack on the seat next to her and had her hands under the table. I was still hungry, so I ate while we sat near each other in silence. It was easy for me, having the excuse to look at my food, but Chloe's eyes wandered from down to her hands to around the room. Sometimes her eyes would focus in on me, momentarily, before darting off.

"Not hungry?" I asked.

"I already ate," Chloe answered, looking back down at her hands.

"Oh, right," I said pitifully. She probably ate lunch hours ago, I realized. It was just me who lived in a world where it was acceptable for the first meal of the day to include cheeseburgers at three in the afternoon.