School for Scoundrels

Tremendous thanks to AdrienneL for making this story vastly better than it was before this skilled editor went to work on it.

"I need to talk to you about Eleanor."

Logan looked at his wife. He was surprised.

"So that's it."

"What do you mean?"

"Something's been bothering you for a couple of weeks. Eleanor! Huh!"

Amelia looked at him quizzically, as if waiting for an explanation, so he continued.

"You've been asking if I can come home early. Every night that one of us wasn't doing something with Maddy or Ted or had some other commitment, you wanted to eat dinner early."

"And you never managed to get away."

"There was always something I had to finish up at the office. I've been trying to get out sooner, but I couldn't until tonight."

"You never used to have trouble shifting to high gear. Is your boss dumping extra stuff on you?"

"Not that I've noticed. And the big restructuring isn't until next year. No, things have been pretty normal."

"Why do you think the same amount of work is taking you longer now?


"I don't know. Now that you've brought it up, I wish I could put my finger on it. Anyway, I'm here and ready to talk about Eleanor?"

"Eleanor is just the beginning. That's why I needed more time. Tonight is perfect. You're home early, the kids are sleeping over at friends and we can talk as late as we want. Tomorrow is Saturday, so we can sleep in."

"Was it a coincidence that you made steaks and apple pie?"

"I wanted dinner to be special."

"It was wonderful. You're a keeper."

"You can still say that after seventeen years?"

"I'll say it for the rest of my life."

"I'm happy to hear that."

He was mildly surprised again. Usually, she responded to his flattery with more emotion. The way she spoke was polite and restrained.

"I mean that!" he said, with more emphasis. "You know I do!"

"Thank you," she said, almost dismissively, "but let's talk about Eleanor now. I've never told you how much I hated her."

Logan's jaw dropped. He couldn't believe his ears.

"Before I go on, I want to warn you that you're not going to like some of what I'm about to say, but I'm asking you to not interrupt me until I finish. Then I'll listen to you. Will you agree?"

He didn't hear because he was still stunned from her pronouncement about Eleanor. He saw her waiting for him.

"Uh, I'm sorry, would you say that again?"

She repeated her request.

"I don't know what to say."

"Just say yes, you promise you won't interrupt."

"Okay, but I --"

"Logan! You just promised!"

He didn't try to continue. Amelia took a deep breath and began speaking again.

"When she was first assigned to you, I knew she was good looking because your sex drive went into high gear. I imagined you were flirting with her, like you do with any woman who gets within fifteen feet of you.

"Then you started talking about her all the time. Eleanor did this, Eleanor did that. And everything she did was perfect. All the other guys at the office were crazy jealous of you, even your boss and his boss.

"My hatred kept growing until I finally met her at the Christmas party. I had just given birth to Ted two weeks before, and despite the expensive dress, I looked like shit. And then this vision with a gorgeous face and a body that every man in the room lusted after came up to me and introduced herself. Her voice oozed with charm.

"As she spoke, I imagined her moaning as you fucked her on the couch in your office. I don't know how I managed to be polite to her, but as soon as I could get away from her, I went to the bar and stayed there.

"Remember how you tried to pry me away a few times before you finally gave up? I know I've never embarrassed you as much as I did that night. I silently toasted the end of our marriage at least fifteen times.

"What you don't know is that I got so drunk that I staggered over to Eleanor and grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the guy she was talking to. I dragged her out of the ballroom and into a corner and almost slobbered on myself as I put my face right up to hers and told her how much I hated her.

"She was shocked at first, but then she smiled warmly, and I could tell she felt sorry for me. That made me hate her even more.

"She said that her sister was also affected by hormonal changes after her baby was born and not to worry about what I just said because it didn't mean anything.

"I could barely reply, but I managed to spit out that I had hated her even before having my baby because I knew she was after you and now that I met her, I knew it was just a matter of time before you left me.

"She didn't seem surprised at what I said. She told me that she had warned you to stop talking about her at the office, because it made you look foolish. She didn't think you were such an idiot that you would do it at home, too.

"'I've got to take a hammer to your husband's thick skull,' is what I remember her saying as she looked toward the ballroom. Then she looked directly at me and asked, 'Do you want me to tell you everything?'

"I felt her catch me as I fell. She held on to me and walked me to some chairs and sat me down.

"That's when I found out that the man I had pulled her away from was her fiancé. She said that when she had first come to work, she had been assigned to an executive who began bothering her the first day and harassed her so much that two weeks later, she walked into HR and resigned.

"The head of HR was summoned and he talked her into giving the company a second chance. Later, he told her he had been sweating blood because she was looking like a million-dollar lawsuit. That's when she was assigned to you. She thinks you were warned about her because for the first few months, you were extremely formal.

"She said she knew within a month that she loved working for you and would never leave you. It wasn't because you were the sharpest guy or the most motivated. It was because there wasn't a mean bone in your body. The most convincing thing to her was the way you talked about me as if I was a goddess. She never heard you say a bad word about me.

"I was crying by this point, and the booze had removed all my inhibitions. So I interrupted her and demanded to know why if you thought so much of me that your tongue hung out whenever a good looking woman walked by and you flirted with every skirt that got near you."

"She said she wondered about that, too, but when she started checking around the office, she found out you never followed through with any of the girls. If they told you politely to stop, you never bothered them again. If they tested you a little to see how far you would go, you backed off.

"I asked her if that excused you for humiliating me in front of every waitress and shop girl.

"She admitted that watching you often made her angry, and one day you got her so upset that she told her fiancé that night she would never tolerate that kind of behavior from him. She was embarrassed when he pointed out that he had never done anything like that.

"But she said that other men at the office had problems far worse than yours, including real infidelity. You were so wonderful in every other way, that it would be a shame if your boorish behavior destroyed our marriage. She told me she had no right to give me advice, but if you were her husband, she would overlook your weakness.

"She told me the only thing she worried about was that you were sometimes naïve and gullible in business dealings because you never suspected others of lying and scheming. Without bragging, she confirmed what you've told me often. She's saved your ass countless times at work.

"She told me how she dealt with a couple of obvious gold-diggers who had set their sights on you. She worried that a shrewd good-looking conniver could get to you, but she knew it wouldn't happen on her watch, and she didn't ever intend to leave you.

"She said even though her fiancé made a lot of money and they were planning to have a family, she would work part time until her kids were in school so she could watch over you. After that, she'd come back full time. Since you are both the same age, her plan was to retire when you retired. She guaranteed that you had never cheated on me."

"And I haven't," Logan interjected.

"You promised not to interrupt. Let me finish."

"That night, I stopped hating Eleanor. She called me up a week later, and we had lunch -- the first of hundreds. It wasn't long before I loved her as much as you do.

"Whenever I ran into one of your colleagues, I turned our conversation to her and pumped them for information. Both men and women were green with envy. They didn't come right out and say it, like you do, but I could tell from the way they talked that you were honest when you told me that she was the one running your department. You did what she told you to do and kept getting promotions and raises.

"One wife was the most forthcoming, after I plied her with four martinis. She said her husband told her that your boss tried to talk Eleanor into taking your job, and they would promote you into a sideline job that got you out of her way."

"She never told me that!"

"Think hard and then tell me the truth. Do you think the wife lied to me?"

Logan was silent for a while, then muttered.

"What was that? I didn't hear you."

"No."

"No what?"

"No, I don't think she lied. It probably happened that way. Why didn't Eleanor take my job? She deserves it."

"You know the answer as well as I do. She would never do anything to hurt you. I told her once that I thought of her as your second wife, and she was shocked and quickly said that there had never been anything between the two of you.

"I told her that once I got to know her, I never doubted that. I meant she was like your wife during the day because she took care of all your needs and fiercely protected you. She was as much your wife as I was with two exceptions. She had no sexual relationship with you, and she would never hurt you no matter what you did, while there are times when I could kill you."

"I know!" Logan said and laughed. As Amelia explained her relationship with Eleanor, he had begun to relax.

"Most of the times are funny, but some aren't -- like the times you come home and want to fuck like a rabbit all night long. I enjoy the attention, but I know it's because there's a hot new girl at the office. You're sneaking peeks at her all day long and she's made you so horny that you can't stand it.

"But Eleanor just laughed when I told her and said not to look a gift horse in the mouth. So that's why I hated Eleanor and why I love her now. As I said before, that's only the beginning, but I'll catch my breath here and see if you have any questions."

"I guess not. I know she loves you, too. I've never told you that a few times when she's been really exasperated with me, she told me if it wasn't for you, she'd quit and become a housewife."

"Thanks for telling me that. I think it will make it easier for you to accept what I'm going to say next. No more interruptions until I'm done. It won't take a minute. Then I'll answer any questions you have. Okay?"

"Okay."

"The reason I talked so much about Eleanor is that when we had lunch a few weeks ago, she told me some disturbing news that's going to affect both of us and maybe even her.

"The bottom line is that you have a decision to make. I'm giving you three choices, and I'll tell you as much about each one as you want to know.

"The first choice is divorce, the second is trial separation and the third is the School for Scoundrels."

As soon as Amelia said the word "divorce," Logan gasped. He waited for her to say more, but she stopped talking and looked like she was waiting for him to say something.

"Is that it?"

"Yes."

"You expect me to give you an answer right now?"

"How much time do you need?"

"I don't understand what you just said. All I can think of is that you've gone crazy."

"I thought the choices were clear."

"I don't understand where the choices came from. What made you think of them?"

"Before I answer that question, I want to explain something. The reason I didn't say more is I want to keep myself from going off and yelling and screaming and saying stupid stuff that I'll regret later. I decided that the best way to do this is to be clear and brief. All I'll do now is answer your questions."

"What does Eleanor have to do with this?"

"That's your second question, and it fits closely with the first one, so I'll answer them together.

"The reason for your three choices is Crystal -- I never bothered to get her last name. Eleanor is the person who brought her to my attention."

Logan's face registered surprise. He was quiet for a while as he pondered his reply. Finally, he spoke.

"I don't know what Eleanor told you, but there's nothing between Crystal and me. She's a new employee, and I've talked to her, but that's all. I've never cheated with her, and I have no plans to do so. If Eleanor told you anything different, she's -- she's, uh, misinformed."

Amelia looked at him but said nothing.

"Don't you believe me? I'll take a lie detector test. Or you can hypnotize me or inject me with truth serum. I swear I'm telling you the truth."

"In answer to your question, I believe that you think you are telling me your truth."

"My truth? What does that mean?"

"It means it's not the whole truth."

"What did Eleanor tell you? And what do I need to do to convince you that she's wrong?"

"I'll answer the second question first. You can't do anything, because as soon as I answer the first, you'll know that Eleanor isn't wrong. You may have tried to hide things from me, but as far as I know you've never lied.

"I learned about Crystal the usual way -- when you started panting for sex like a dog. I didn't know her name, but I knew she was a new hire and you were flirting with her.

"After all this time, I still get upset, even though I know Eleanor is running interference for me. When she called me and told me she was worried about Crystal, it really shook me.

"She said that from her sources, she had found out little Crystal with the big boobs and firm butt has a dark side. She hides it behind her giggles, but she is a dangerous schemer and has her eyes set on you.

"She's so good that she wasn't even on Eleanor's radar because she's careful never to show her hand in front of anyone in your office. The only reason Eleanor found out was that one of Crystal's drinking buddies told a friend, and that friend's husband works for Eleanor's husband.

"Crystal told her friend that you obviously weren't getting what you needed at home because she had no trouble in attracting your attention. She said she had everything planned out for how she was going to seduce you and humiliate me so that I'd throw your ass out, because she knew you would never leave me. She looked forward to being a trophy wife and consoling you while enjoying her new lifestyle."

"But I just told you I never did anything with her. Nothing Eleanor told you contradicts that."

Amelia looked at him.

"Why don't you say anything?"

"I was talking when you stopped me."

"Okay, I'm sorry I interrupted. Please go on."

"There's not much more. Eleanor found out that you and Crystal have started having lunch together and that the lunches are getting more frequent and longer. Sometimes, they are so long that you get behind in your work and barely finish by the end of the ay.

"Her spies report that even though you don't go near each other in the office, there is touching at lunch, and the touching is getting more frequent and more intimate. She's the initiator, but you respond. You've started hugging and kissing her when you meet and when you part."

"Only on the cheek! I never kissed her on the mouth."

Logan's voice was no longer defiant. He sounded worried.

Amelia stopped speaking again until Logan asked her to go on.

"At our last lunch, Eleanor told me Crystal had told her friend she was going to be patient and wait until I left town and you were alone for a few days. She was going to call you about an emergency at her apartment, and that was going to be the kickoff of the affair. She had also realized that her biggest obstacle was Eleanor and was working on a way to neutralize her."

Amelia stopped talking and looked at Logan again in anticipation.

"That's it?"

"Yes, you wanted to know the whole truth and also what Eleanor told me. I think they are the same."

Logan didn't say anything. He thought for a long time before he spoke.

"I didn't cheat. I didn't plan to cheat. Nothing happened except I was stupid. I'm glad Eleanor found out about Crystal and told you. I swear that I will never be alone with Crystal again. Again is wrong, because I was never alone with her ever, unless sitting at the same table in a restaurant at lunch is being alone. But I won't do that either. I'll have nothing to do with her."

Amelia looked at him with the same expression of anticipation but didn't say anything.

"Why isn't that good enough? What do you want me to do?"

"That's not good enough because it could happen again, and next time Eleanor might not have access to inside information. Next time it might be too late to save you.

"Another reason it's not good enough is the humiliation. I'm not happy with each new bimbo infatuation, but Eleanor had to rub my face into this one, so the degradation was tremendous.

"You stumble from one babe to the next oblivious to what it does to me. Just because you're a good husband and father and treat your employees well doesn't let you off the hook for the pain you've caused me. This is the straw that broke the camel's back.

"That's why what you suggest isn't good enough. What was your other question? Oh yes. What do I want you to do? I already told you that. I want you to pick from the three choices I gave you."

"Oh, yes. Something about divorce. I definitely don't choose that. What were the other two choices?"

"Trial separation or School for Scoundrels."

"I don't understand."

Amelia was quiet.

"I know. I'm supposed to ask a question. Let me see. How about this? What do you mean by trial separation? What's this school? Is it something like traffic school for cheaters? Do I get a diploma that lets me avoid a fine?"

He looked at Amelia's serious expression.

"Sorry about the bad joke. Will you please answer my questions?"

"Yes I will, starting with the last two. You do get a diploma from the school and avoid a tremendous fine. The fine is the divorce.

"I've spent some expensive time with my divorce lawyer, and she's already consulted with all the other top family law attorneys in town, so none of them can represent you because of things she's shared about my case.

"Not that she's scared of any of them. She's far and away the most frightening of all the sharks. She told me that she only represents those who want to totally destroy their spouses financially and psychologically, especially if there's infidelity involved.

"She got into family law when she found out her husband was cheating on her, and she told me she thinks of herself the way the husband of one of her clients once described her: a vulture who's not satisfied until she's picked the last piece of meat from the dry bones of her victims.

"So you'll need to import someone from out of town if you want anyone who stands a chance against her. It might be hard to find a good lawyer sure enough of winning to take the case on contingency. You won't have much money for a retainer.

"My lawyer explained to me that because my parents gave me our house, I keep it even though we've spent a lot of money on improvements. We don't have a lot in savings and investments because most of our money went into our -- my house. You won't be able to access much cash for legal fees.