A Secret Even to Myself Ch. 09

DISCLAIMER: This novel will be MESSY.

This is purely an experiment to get writing. I do not know where this story will evolve. It is something of a break from the massive series which I am also working on... but more of a forgivable weekly sprint to see where a story will take me.

My goal is to publish every week. It's my challenge.

This is not really a novel, although I do have a plot with an end, but I am approaching it more like a serial.

This is a pure rough draft. I do not have an editor. My goal is to publish an episode at least once a week. Think of it as a live studio soap opera.

This novel will be MESSY and thank you for joining me on this scary journey.

Happy Reading

-Talyis

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A SECRET EVEN TO MYSELF

(C) 2017, Talyis Ellison

CHAPTER 9

WEEK 3

Mahin tiptoed around Tobias for the next two weeks. She didn't want him to punish her in any way. She had to survive this man, not get maimed by him. And speaking of maimed she definitely did not want to get her mind-screwed by him. She just had to do her time, so she could see Matt again and do the movie and move on with life.

Mahin didn't mind writing in her journal as much anymore. It was nice to write in it. But instead of writing anything that she would assume Tobias wanted her to write, she wrote love stories and poems to Matt. It would be her souvenir gift to him.

3 weeks have passed and Matt hasn't reached out to her. Or at least gotten through her agent to her. It troubled her, so she wrote to him in her journal. The journal was her strength.

She didn't say very much to Tobias but he also didn't say very much to her either.

She whistled while she cleaned Tobias' home. Still, the upper floor rooms were locked. Mahin never caught him entering them either.

"I bet there is a dust monster in those rooms." She smiled and started to imagine a huge room full of junk and crap with a looming bunny like in Donnie Darko was creeping around the room, leaving puffs of dusty air in its wake. She chuckled to herself. She always had a silly imagination. It's what helped her all those years ago.

"What?" Tobias asked as he walked by.

"Nothing. I was just thinking to myself."

"Hmm," he muttered and continued down the hall, a book tucked under his arm.

Tobias loves to read, as did she. It was hard to figure out what he was reading. Mahin would try to guess what a man like Tobias would read. Probably the Art of War for the 100th time or Stieg Larsson. It was irresistible watching the tall man saunter in and out of his library to his deck with just a book and dressed in only his tattered jeans and bare feet. If she had her phone, she would snap a photo and upload it to hot guys reading books on Instagram. If only the hot man reading wasn't Tobias.

He hadn't really taken her in at all since that day. Thankfully. Even his instruction was daresay intimidating because it was so smooth and steady, as always; yet, unsure. He even just mentioned lightly that he didn't want her to close the door to her bedroom. The rule was to not close doors. She had broken a rule and got away with it. No punishment.

Maybe all his pomp the first two weeks was just that, a load of hot air. Set a precedence. But she had to do something about him, opening her door in the middle of the night, every night. She liked to sleep with her door closed. Ever since she realized he was opening her door, she was finding it difficult to sleep soundly.

Mahin secretly missed the old Tobias. She enjoyed finding a way to tick him off. At least life was more interesting than cleaning his house non-stop and reading Grey's Anatomy. By the end of probation, she should book as many doctor roles as possible, while medical terminology and structure were still fresh in her head.

She chuckled to herself and then shrugged. She would have to first put all her energy into the movie before thinking of playing in a medical drama.

She scooted around Tobias' bed to tuck the sheets in. The bed smelled like Tobias' cologne and shower gel. Earthy - moss, sage, and lavender. Mahin took the pillows and pressed it to her face. It smelt wonderful. Tobias' Nordic features could engulf you with his presence and the feeling of being fully attuned was remarkable. Especially, the way it seemed to ever seek for the opportunity to catch you should you fall. It wasn't like other people, who just drink your beauty in and gawk. She always hated that feeling that why in between films, she would dye her hair multiple colors and cut it. Where the darkest makeup possible.

Matt always hated it when she wasn't working. Matt said he didn't like Emo Mahin, he liked actress Mahin, the neat and tidy actress that was perfect and would rule Hollywood. But at least Emo Mahin could go to the grocery store and not be attacked by a bunch of fans and photogs while figuring out the freshness of tomatoes. At least Emo Mahin could cry and not have her picture splashed on a magazine as an emotional wreck. At least Emo Mahin could look Hollywood directors and handlers in the eye and ask for anything she wanted where her beauty wasn't the only thing they saw. Matt was wrong. Emo Mahin ruled Hollywood, not actress Mahin.

Tobias couldn't understand her beauty and that"s fine with Mahin. She wasn't seeking his approval just his signature before the judge at the completion of her "creative rehabilitation." His eyes only plaster on her "drunk driver" in a mental billboard. Yet, those clear pools of grey-blue often made her tremble because they were forever searching and guarded. It was very hard to read Tobias, beyond what he would say, you could only guess what tempest of thoughts brew, in a man like Tobias. He kept himself fit and tone. Mahin loved fit men laying on top of her, their strong arms at the sides of her head accentuating their ability to take her with a simple sweep into his arms. Strong and safe arms that protected her.

She opened his bedside table and found what she was looking for. She quickly looked over her shoulder and then quickly put a few pills in her bra. Her heart raced. It was the thrill she had been missing the last few weeks. Defying what people think she should do, be, act. It's what always fueled her in between shoots. And Tobias' demand for control made the game of chicken fun.

She took a deep breath to calm herself. Nervously patting her breast to make sure the little pills were secured. This wasn't solely an act of defiance. It was also what she had to do to survive.

She looked around the corner and her voices from downstairs. She was in the clear.

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

"Malcolm, do you only come over here to pester me by ogling Mahin?" Tobias

"Friend you know me," Malcolm gave a wolfish grin.

Tobias only chuckled as he rummaged through Mahin's room. "Well. You can give it up. I've got two more months with this...actress and then she's out of both of our hairs."

"Our come on, I've seen you look at Mahin Chambers. She has you like a worm on a hook. You see she is attractive. Too bad she has a boyfriend. A really eye-please. Teenage heartthrob, bad boy that only does indies."

"Great," Tobias puffed not really paying attention to his friend leaning against the doorframe.

"That means I probably end of having to deal with him."

"You can always go back to filming big budget blockbuster ballbusters."

"You can always just come back and do a film with M.A.H.," Malcolm singsonged teasingly. Tobias cleared his throat. "Anyways, I like a shorter film schedule. Shoot get it done, the talent is out of my hair onto the next one... What the hell are you looking for?"

"Found it," Tobias sat on Mahin's small twin bed and scanned through her journal.

"Wouldn't she be upset with you rummaging through her things."

"One this is my journal. I gave it to her. Two this is my house and I am looking over her assignments. This is no different then me reading Angelica's journal."

"Except she was your submissive and she gladly handed over her journal to you."

Tobias paged through the pages. Honestly, he was impressed that the journal was not empty. Mahin's penmanship was exquisite. He swallowed deeply, his face turned rosy. The way she expressed herself on the page was indeed thoughtful and crafty. She brought abstract to life and painted worlds on the page.

"She's not illiterate."

"Tobias, you need to stop hating this girl so much."

"I don't hate her. I hate what she represents. What she does. Who she is."

"That's hating."

"No. She's a bratty, ego-driven, selfish person. She takes no one else in consideration and rather accept the consequences of her actions and not self-improve."

"He doth protest so much."

"I knew you would say that." Tobias slapped the journal closed and put it back on the bedside table, not caring to conceal that he was in her room. He always pride himself on keeping his motives an open book. "I take self-improvement seriously. Why else would I be in this situation with this horrible girl under my roof."

"Because you too are a privileged and powerful Hollywood shit, just like she is," Malcolm nodded with a grin having touche his friend.

"True. But I am taking this seriously."

"You are lucky they didn't press charges."

"True, but I am taking this seriously. I am going to reform her so she never harms another soul again."

"You need to work on you. I know you don't want to move on. I don't want to either. Angelica was an angel. But you have to. We all have to. She is holding you back."

Tobias bit the inside of his lip to keep his emotions in check. "I've taken into consideration returning."

"Hot damn. Yes!"

"Only because you are right. I have to..." he swallowed hard just nodded his head. "I have to choose life."

"Yes, you do."

"I've also decided that I will not try to find another submissive."

Malcolm sighed heavily. Not as a joke but more of concern. He's friend was always a very committed and often dogged person. But he knew it was more his way to cope. He patted his friend's leg. "Tobias, we will talk about this another day. Small steps. No big commitments and declarations. Going back to work is just one part of life. You don't have to make all life decisions right now."

"Right now, it's what I feel is best."

"O.K.," Malcolm surrender shrugging his shoulders. "Ok. You do what you need to do today. When's dinner?"

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

It was nearing the end of week 3. The journal had been on his mind for three days and Mahin's sexual depictions were like cement cuneiform on his brain. How could someone be so infatuated with someone, as it was obvious Mahin was of Matt? He wondered if Matt was really a good boyfriend, was he even good to Mahin in bed as she so artfully described his prowess.

But there was something else about Matt that just irked him. The way she wrote it was as if she was desperate for him, his attention and his approval. But then Tobias sighed. He learned first hand how immature Mahin was and difficult and wild she was. She was probably the problem in their relationship.

Tobias flipped the page of his book and nervously shook his foot. It had been awhile since he corrected Mahin on anything and he didn't want the issue of the journal to go without instruction too much longer. He did hold his responsibility to rehabilitate the girl seriously. But he couldn't and will not live in fear in his own home about correcting his charge.

Tobias slapped his book close. No time like the present.

"Mahin," Tobias called. "Come in the living room." Mahin entered the room. She had changed into her pajamas after dinner. "It's time to review your journal. Go get it."

Thankfully without complaint or opposition, Mahin turns towards her room to fetch her journal. Tobias second guesses himself and starts to coach himself on what to do.

"Let me see?" Tobias holds his hands out and Mahin puts it into his hand. She waits without a word as he rescans the book. He looks up from the pages of steamy love letters to Matt and catches her grinning like she had won the game.

His brow burns. Now she's giggling and his hands ache to turn her around for a sound spanking. But he calms himself. He knew this was going to be a game from the first moment he read your journal.

Tobias stiffens his jaw. "You think this is funny. Stand here and read."

Mahin winning smile falls away and her face flushes. "No. It's personal."

Tobias crinkled his nose, the game was in hand. He stands up and firmly places her in front of the coffee table and his chair. She is no longer grinning or giggling. He flips to a page and slaps the journal into her hand.

"Read it."

By the stars, Mahin is shy. Tobias couldn't believe it. All of her blustery fight and to what conceal that she is shy. He wasn't going to fully accept this reality. Mahin was only playing shy; he knew it.

"Dear Matt," Mahin simply said.

"Louder!" Tobias' voice boomed.

Mahin continued in a louder voice. "Dear Matt?"

Matt I've been a bad, bad girl today. I didn't sweep the floors under Tobias bed. I was a very naughty girl. All I am wearing my little naughty girl bra and knickers. You know... the ones with the bows on the back.

Mahin's brain is in a scramble to survive. He is really making her read her sex stories to him aloud. She hates feeling intimidated. She reasons that she has a choice. She can allow herself to feel all the vulnerabilities and be an open book for Tobias or she can be the actress that she was made to be.

Mahin straightened her back and bite her knuckle coquettishly. Tobias' pupils dilated as his brain began to scramble his mixed feeling tumbling with each teasing pose Mahin found as she continued reading.

Her plan in place. She batted her eyes, not missing a beat from her dramatic reading. It's working. She continues in a breathy voice to add more passion to her reading, one hand on her heart that would sneakily squeeze her breast through the fluffy pink thin cashmere as if to offer one tantalizing part of herself to him.

I shake my little tush at you because we both know what the punishment is for not sweeping under the bed. I left the floors very dusty. You can't even write my name in the dust to visually shame me of my infraction.

Matt, I am your dusty bad girl. You grab my hair and twist me around till my back is tight against yours. Your hand sneaks up the front of my neck while you hold me steady in your other hand by my tresses.

You know what happens to naughty girls," you whisper hotly into my ears. I can only gulp and nervously sneak my hand between us.

You are hard. I can feel your cock straining in your jeans.

"Answer me?" You demand.

I am panting from just your words. You silky words that turn me into pudding. Putty in your hands. I gasp as her hand gives me a slight squeeze but suddenly dives down my body and forcefully sliding under the front of my jeans.

"I love you. I love you." It's all I can say because it's so true.

You pat my mound as best as you can under the tightness of my jeans and then you pull me down with you. You sit on the couch and release me. I collapse right beside you. I'm giggling because you are thrilling me with every surprise you throw my way.

"Naughty girl. I love you too." You kiss me behind the ear. "Take your jeans off."

"No. I don't want to."

"Yes, you do. You want to be punished or else you would have never disobeyed the rules."

"Then punish me. Punish me." I pant into his sweet kisses.

"You know what to do?"

"But I can't. I can't take off my jeans. That's what bad girls do."

"You have 3 seconds. 3."

You kiss me.

"2," you continue.

Your kiss is so delicious and your tongue swells in my mouth.

"1," You give me a quick peck on the lips. "You didn't follow instructions. You are really a bad girl."

You pant in unison with me. You stand up and then yank my jeans off in one full swoop and before I can't feign a small protest in time you're ripping my lacey panties from my body.

You tenderly kiss my ankle at your lap and then stand towering over me to kiss me. I reach for your lips but you only grin.

"Over my lap, you disobedient girl. It's time for your punishment," you pinch my nipple demanding my attention.

I grin as I move over your lap. Your cock is so hard. I just want to wrap my lips around you and give you so much pleasure you cannot contain yourself.

Your hand rubs my cool butt and then you deliver the first slap of a spanking. Then again, the meaty flesh of your hand hits my butt. I am so in the present I don't even now if it's true or surreal. Another harder than the previous. I feel my hips writhing and throb, completely avoiding reason only debating now and patience.

I don't know if I can maintain the more you spank me the more I am troubled whether your sweet spanks are for me or your pleasure. they hurt so bad. And then my body flexes. You are dipping your fingers into to me. Probing. "That's it girl. Give yourself to me. Be a good girl.

I am so wet. I am wiggling trying to maintain my composure but I am sure to lose it. Lose it all. I am literally arching my back up and your free hand captures my left breast for a healthy squeeze. I can't wait...I. I am going to explode but I don't know whether to. I'm experiencing such a juxtaposition of senses I don't know what to do. Your fingers are now pitching my nipples over my blouse and your fingers are doing a tangling dance in my pussy. No, not my-my pussy. Yours. I give my body to you. You're in full control. I can't hold it anymore. I...I...I..."

"Enough. Damnit. Mahin. Enough!" Tobias was flushed. "Fuck," he said under his breath.

He had nearly lost himself in Mahin's writing. But this is not where he wanted to be. Definitely sporting a hard on listening to the actress detail an overtly submissive exchange with her boyfriend.

"This is not how you should use your journal," Tobias regained his power. "And I am sure you are aware of that."

Mahin looked Tobias over and forced herself to not smile at the fact that she indeed worked him over. He sat on the bed, trying to hide his arousal with his legs positioned widely. He's face still blushed with heat. Now it was her turn to punish him. She crossed her arms still holding the journal.

"I had no other inspiration. I miss my boyfriend. What's the crime?"

"How did you meet your boyfriend?" Tobias asked and leaned against the wall.

After all the weeks she's lived with this man, he now decides to ask something of her personal life. "Unbelievable." Mahin snorted to herself. "I thought I was already figured out."

"Why?"

"Just asking," Tobias shrugged and looked at Mahin with a dead stare.

"My agent. I meet him in the waiting room of my agent's office before he signed."

"And you believe he loves you"?"

"Of course he's my boyfriend." Mahin spelled out.

"I am sure. So does he drink a lot."

"No."

"Oh, it's you dragging the two of you down."

"Hey, asshole. You don't have any right."

"So it was Matt that got you into bingers. I bet he does a ton of drugs too."

"Legal stuff. Marijuana. I am a grown woman. I make my own choices and vices."

"So when you were drinking and driving you weren't with him."

"I was but that means nothing. I am with lots of people. Asshole."

"Fair. I don't know." Tobias was able to comfortably stand now that his erection has lost interest. "Is he your first boyfriend?"

"So what?"

"You're inexperienced. Your writing at least shows it."

"Whatever," Mahin crossed her arms and sat on her bed.

"What do you do when you are not with your boyfriend?"

"I work."

"And?" Tobias pushed.

"And what?

"I work and I have sex wth my boyfriend. What's it to you," Mahin said sharply.

"And get high too."