Room Service

"Goddamn it Frank, I'm not going to tell you so just shut up about it!"

"Come on, Honey, I promise I won't make a big deal out of it. Come on, tell me."

"You're perverted, Frank."

"Of course I'm perverted, Sweetheart. That's what guys do. It's what we're good at, we're perverted. Come on tell me."

"No! Besides, I'm pissed off at you Frank, leaving me here alone in this goddamn shithole for over a month."

"Come on, Honey, it's the job you know that. Look, I've got a whole month off now. I'll make it up to you. I promise. Come on tell me."

"Damn straight you're going to make it up to me Frank! Fucking India! Couldna been Paris, or London. No! My husband brings me to fucking India, like I'm gonna ride some goddamn elephant or something! I'm forty years old Frank! Do I look like I belong on a goddamn fucking elephant?"

"Of course not, Honey. You're much to beautiful to ever be on an elephant, besides you can't ride elephants when they fuck. Come on tell me."

"You're sick, Frank!

"Come on, Maxine, Honey, just between you and me. Come on, it'll be fun. I promise I won't ever tell anyone."

"Frank, you fucker! You tell just one of your stupid office buddies about this and I'll cut your fucking balls off! I mean it!"

"Tell! Shit, Maxine! Who would I tell! Who would believe me! Come on now, Honey lighten up. You can tell me. You know you want to."

"Oh please Frank, just because you're a sick bastard."

"Come on now, just let me give you a little neck massage and you can tell me all about it. Whataya say?"

"Ummm, Okay, but I don't wanna hear to any shit about it Frank. Hell, I was just fucking around. The guy sounded so funny you know, "Room service, how can I help you?" You shouldna left me here alone Frank. You know how I hate to be alone."

"I know, I know, I won't give you any shit, I promise. No big deal"

"If it was no big deal why do you want to know so fucking bad Frank."

"O.K., O.K., it's a big deal, but in a no big deal kinda way. Come on now."

"Asshole."

"I know."

"Oh, alright."

"Atta girl."

Well, actually, you're not going to get any of your perverted thrills anyway Frank. It really wasn't what I had thought it would be. I never could get off. His dick was too small and he didn't last very long and he turned out to be kind of a jerk."

"Bummer."

"Yeah."

"Maxine."

"Yeah."

"That's not exactly true is it?"

"Well, not exactly."

"You sowed some wild oats didn't you Maxine."

"Yeah."

"Like thoroughbred country in the springtime."

"You're so funny, Frank."

"Maxine."

"Yeah."

"So was he good looking?"

"Yeah."

"Did he have a big dick?"

"Is a thoroughbred a horse, Frank?"

"I see. So how did it go? I mean really."

"Well, I didn't have anything else to do so I told them to send him up in the morning."

"Sounds reasonable, a little morning tryst is always good."

"I liked the afternoon better."

"You fucked in the afternoon too?"

"Well, not exactly. We started in the morning and the next thing I knew it was afternoon."

"You fucked all day long?"

"Well, what else was there to do Frank?"

"I don't know, go shopping?"

"And buy what Frank, a goddamn carved elephant?"

"I see you're point. Well, one day in the life, I'm glad you had a good time."

"Frank."

"Yeah."

"It was for seven days."

"Say what?"

"Well, you know how I am with math Frank. Fucking exchange rate crap anyway."

"I see, so you fucked every day for seven days?"

"Yeah."

"All day long?"

"Yeah."

"Well, what's a week in the long view I guess."

"Frank."

"Yeah."

"I traded your American League baseball card collection."

"Jesus! What for?"

"Another seven days."

"That's fourteen days Maxine.

"Well, it's just like you said Frank, what's a couple of weeks in the scheme of things."

"Of course, a fortnight here a fortnight there, what difference could it make.

"Frank."

"Yeah."

"The American League really goes with the National League."

"Another seven days Maxine?"

"Yeah."

"Christ, Maxine, good thing I didn't leave you with anything else."

"Frank."

"Yeah."

"Your credit was good."

"How good was it?"

"What's today?"

"It's the sixth."

"Last month had thirty one days?"

"Yeah."

"What day did you leave?"

"The twenty eighth of the month before."

"How many days is it from the twenty-eighth of the month before to the fifth of this month?"

"Thirty-nine."

"And thirty-nine minus twenty-one?"

"Eighteen."

"Sounds about right."

"You fucked for eighteen extra days Maxine?"

"Yeah."

"With no days off?"

"What was I gonna do with a day off, Frank?"

"Well, I guess the fun is in the collecting. No use to have the National League if you don't have the American league. That still leaves me with eighteen days to pay for."

"Frank?"

"Yeah."

"What's half of thirty nine?"

"Nineteen and one half, why?"

"Well, a day is from nine to five with a half hour for lunch."

"O.K."

"From eight to midnight is another half day."

"Just to be clear, Maxine. You fucked from nine to five and from eight to midnight for thirty-nine straight days?

"Yeah."

"That's twelve hours a day for thirty-nine straight days, Maxine."

"If you say so."

"That's a lot of fucking, Maxine."

"Yeah."

"No, I mean, that's a lot of fucking, Maxine."

"Oh come on Frank, It's not like it was all just one constant furious humpfest for crying out loud."

"No, of course not."

"Oh no, it's good to go slow sometimes too."

"Slow is good."

"Real good."

"I guess a guy would get tired."

"Frank, what is thirty nine divided by three?"

"I think I'm getting tired of math, Maxine."

"I know what you mean. I just left it up to them to keep it straight. Oh my, "keep it straight." Did you get that one, Frank?"

"Oh yeah, looks like I been getting one for about a month now."

""Oh, I know, Frank! Thirty-nine divided by three is eleven."

"No Maxine, thirty-nine divided by three is thirteen."

"I don't understand. How could that be?"

"Three of them had the same name, Maxine."

"I don't get it."

"Trust me, Maxine, if you fucked a different guy every three days for thirty-nine days you fucked thirteen guys."

"Well, whatever, it was them that was doing most of the fucking anyway. After all, that is what I was paying for."

"Oh, you're going to pay all right."

"What did you say, Frank?"

"I said you should always get what you pay for all right."

"Damn straight, and the quality was there, Frank. Size does matter, Frank and you know what it's like when you're young."

"And strong."

"That's right. It's just like in the animal kingdom, Frank. You know, like on the spaghetti plains in Italy."

"That's the Serengeti Plain, Maxine. It's in Africa."

"Whatever, a stallion is a stallion, Frank."

"And a mare is a mare."

"And what is that supposed to mean? Is that one of those double entry things, Frank?

"It's entendre Maxine, double entendre."

"Double entendre, sounds like a cheap perfume."

"You would know about cheap, Maxine."

"Don't even start with that again, Frank. You call it cheap. I call it thrifty. I'll have you know, I didn't even pay for the supplies."

"What are you talking about, Maxine. What supplies could you possibly need for fucking?"

"You know, for the games."

"Oh, of course, for the games."

'They all seemed to like "Peanut Butter Pecker" best and "Nectarine Nipples" is really nice too, but "Blind Man Find the Grapes" is my favorite. Of course, there's really only one polite place a girl can hide them when she's naked."

"Of course, I wouldn't want you to have to stick them up your ass."

"Oh my no, that would put a fellow in an awful position. Of course, these fellows do know some pretty awful positions."

"I have to ask, Maxine."

"Did you know a woman can fuck standing on one leg, Frank?"

"I can imagine you with one, I mean, on one leg Maxine."

"It's true, Frank, but I still like the old doggy position best though."

"I wonder how that could be Maxine."

"I dunno, but after a while I had to give it up."

"Your knees got sore."

"And I lost my voice."

"Well, at least you didn't get bored."

"Of course I got bored, Frank. That's what I was paying for. Oh God! I'm really on a roll now! There's some double entry for you, Frank. You're gonna have to work damn hard to beat that one."

"Oh, I'm gonna beat you, Maxine. I swear I am."

"Now there you go again. Why do you always have to turn everything into a competition Frank?"

"I don't think you really have any competition, Maxine. I mean, who could be any more game than you."

"Oh Lord! Those were good ones, Frank! I'm dying here!"

"God forbid."

"Oh how sweet, Frank."

"Maxine?"

"Yeah."

"Is your pussy still anything like I remember it?"

"I could let my bush grow back, whichever you prefer."

"Saves having to spit out the hairs I take it."

"Kind of breaks your concentration."

"Well, that still leaves a lot to pay for. I'm glad my credit is good."

"Frank."

"Yeah."

"It's not that good."

"How bad is it?"

"You remember those lovely walks we used to take, Frank?"

"My Hummer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it is kind of wide anyway."

"Frank?"

"Yeah."

"Did you know about the special rule?"

"What rule is that, Maxine?"

"If you come back next year you get half price."

"We're not coming back, Maxine."

"Well, I know it's kind of soon to think about that now. Maybe we can talk about it later."

"We're not coming back, Maxine."

"Frank, do you think you and I could play Peanut Butter Pecker? I want to learn to play it real good."

"We're not coming back, Maxine."

"Frank?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think we could go to Africa next year?"