Let 'Em Eat Cock!

Let 'Em Eat Cock!

(or How To Bake A Cake For a Bachelorette Party)

The perfect thing to serve at a bachelorette party, or at any other girls' night out (or perhaps when you're in a shitty mood and just want to go Lorena Bobbit on some dickhead – this is at least a legal way of getting those feelings out!). So, forget about the calories, and just indulge yourself. At least this cock won't get your tummy as round as the real thing...

You'll need the following for the cake itself:

3 eggs
2 cups of sugar
2 cups of flour
2 teaspoons of baking soda
1 teaspoon of vanilla sugar
0,5 cups of milk

(Note! If you want to make a black cock, double the amount of ingredients and add 2 tablespoons of cacao.)

For the filling, choose between 2 cups of custard or 2 cups of raspberry jam, whichever you like better.

(You could very well choose any sort of jam you like, really. Blueberry jam might give this a touch of French Revolution and the chopping off of the Aristocrats'... heads, which might be suitable for Halloween or a theme party..?)

For the decoration, you'll need:

3 cups of cream (whipped, that is!)

Red food colouring, OR cacao (depending on what color you want to make this cock. You COULD use yellow food colouring if you want to go for an Asian style, or why not green, if you're a Trekkie...)

Chocolate pretzels

Here's how to bake the cake:

We'll start by making the shaft and the balls. Mix eggs and sugar and whip it good – go dominatrix on it! Go on, you know you always wanted to try it...

OK, now melt the butter and let it cool off – not so much that it gets hard again, just so much that you could dip your finger in it without burning yourself. Body temperature is pretty much what we're aiming for.

Next step is to mix all the dry goods, ie the flour, the baking soda, and the vanilla sugar, together in a separate bowl. (If you use cacao, add that too.)

Stir the butter down into the mix of eggs and sugar. Add the milk. Keep stirring all the time!

Now it's time to add the mix of dry goods, a little at a time, to the wet stuff. Make sure you stir it good so there won't be any lumps.

Once this is done, you should prepare the pans. Butter two large cupcake pans and a square baking pan. (If you're making a black cock, make that a large rectangular pan.) Pour the mixture into the pans. Bake in the oven at 250 degrees Centigrade (whatever that is in Fahrenheit, I have no idea – when, oh WHEN will you yanks adopt the Metric system???) for 5-10 minutes. Be sure not to burn it! Check with a match to make sure when the cupcakes are done. Let everything cool off for a while.

Spread the jam or the custard, whichever filling you prefer, but preferably not both, as it will be messy; over the square, in an even layer. Now carefully roll up the cake like a burrito. Even more carefully, lift the cake up and place it on a nice serving plate, with the open side down. Place the cupcakes at one end of the rolled-up cake. They will be the balls.

OK, the cake is done, but it doesn't look like a cock, now does it? Nope. It looks like a large, odd burrito and two cupcakes. Time to add the skin!

Whip the cream, and add food colouring or cacao to give it the right colour. Don't add too much at once, start with just a little at a time; that way you can control just how pink or brown (or yellow or green or...) you want it to be.

Smear the coloured cream out in an even layer over the cock and the balls. Try to make it look smooth. Draw a line in the cream a little from the top of the shaft, to make the shape of the head.

Sprinkle pretzels around the base and over the balls to make it look like hair. You may skip this part if you're into clean-shaven crotches, but it does add a bit of fun – and a bit of crunch – to the cake.

Boner appetit!

PS) Yes, I have made fun of the clichés about black men being well endowed when writing down this recipe, but that's just because I have a husband who demands several pans... ^.~