A Head Full of Hair

1

(Long shot) Sandy beach, somewhere that looks warm and sunny. Walking along it are two young women; blond, in bikinis and built in that large breasted, long legged fashion popular with North American males.

(Voice over) "We know there are many things you want in this life..."

(Shot) A balding man, seen from the waist up is leaning on a railing. He turns to smile at the blondes as they walk into the scene. The women walk on by him, paying no attention at all. His disappointment shows on his face.

(Voice over) "But you can't always get them."

(Shot) A room with a professional looking desk and chair in it. There are a number of document that appear to be diplomas set on the wall behind the furniture. The room has an almost sterile air about it. A man is standing in front of the desk, dressed in a white lab coat. His demeanor is one of quiet competence.

(Man on screen) "Here at the Malcolm-Zilder Scientific Centre, we understand that. And we can help.

"Our recent breakthrough discovery in hair regeneration means you can get the things you want. For just $19.95 you can get a week's worth of our treatment for you to try. Just call the number on your screen and have your credit card number ready."

(Shot) A formerly balding man, with his arms around a pair of familiar women, is smiling widely and talking avidly with them.

(Voice over) "Yes, soon you can have a head full of hair and all your problems will be over."

The rest of the commercial is standard disclaimers and waivers.

2

The man opened the door to his apartment and walked in. He closes it, puts a package down on the table sitting there and leans against the wall. He is white, middle-aged, not tall, not strong, not handsome, not much of anything. The way he holds his head and the slight wobble of it shows that he has been drinking. And he is almost completely bald with only a fringe of hair left around the bottom of his scalp.

"Yeah, I know," he slurs. "Just plain ol' Bill Saunders. A man with nowhere to go, nobody to see, nothing to do. I'm bald and no one cares about a bald man. No one sees him. They only see the skin on the top of his noggin."

He grabs the package and heads to his bathroom.

"Well that's going to change. Soon I'll have a head full of hair and all my problems will be over."

3

The coroner sat on the edge of a desk in his morgue. A stained sheet covered the body he had been working on. He was dictating his findings into a hand held tape recorder.

"In summary, this victim died like the others. He had recently purchased a new hair growth remedy and used it. Unfortunately he had neglected to read the instructions. He applied most of a month's worth of treatment at once. The subject then went to bed and fell asleep.

"When employed in this manner the treatment quickly hardens to the consistency of concrete. It also stimulates extremely rapid hair growth. The hard helmet on the head prevents this hair from growing outward. So naturally, it grows inward.

"The new hair would soon create enough pressure to crack the cranial bones and then force itself through the cracks into the brain. Judging from bruising and contusions on the subject he was awakened by these events and tried to stop the process but did not succeed.

"Soon there was enough hair inside the cranium to crush the subject's brain.

"I would estimate the time of death between 1:00 AM and 2:00 AM on Friday, April 22nd."

The door to the morgue opened and a man walked in. If you had to guess his profession you would probably say police detective and you would be right.

"The same as the others?" he asked the coroner.

"It was," came the reply. "How many is that so far?"

"Number five here. The total across the country is ninety seven, with ten times that many injured."

The coroner snorted. A sardonic smile formed on his lips.

"What's so funny?" queried the detective.

"I just find it amusing what people will put themselves through to become better or more. I don't know why they worry. Everyone ends up on my tables or one like it sooner or later. There's only one different thing you can say for sure about this case."

"What's that?"

The coroner nodded at the table holding the remains of Bill Saunders. "He has a head full of hair, and all his problems are over."

FIN