Dominating a Man for the First Time

**Author's note, August 2020: I wrote this story long ago very early in my Mistress journey. I think a lot of it still applies as a brief overview for trying out some D/s bedroom fun as part of an existing relationship. This is not for those who are negotiating scenes or playtime with new acquaintances. This also does not address D/s as a lifestyle. I have also published another How-to specifically on sensual dominance, which you might find helpful too.**

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Before You Start

First you need to determine if he's interested in being dominated. Chances are you're reading this for one of two reasons: either he's already indicated he is interested, or you're interested and aren't sure he is. Well if you already know he wants to be dominated, mission accomplished. If you don't know, the easiest way is to ask him. Well, perhaps it's not the easiest for you, but it's definitely the most direct.

An important thing to find out before you start is what are he likes besides just being dominated. There are so many different definitions of domination and so many related fetishes. A few related fetishes may include feet, anal (giving or receiving, fingering, licking or fucking), spanking, bondage, leather, humiliation, cross-dressing, etc. Some men want to be punished physically while others want to be punished emotionally. Some just want to serve a woman and rewarded when they do it right. Some want to really be hurt while some only want the illusion. Finding out his particular pleasure (and yours!) is very important so everyone enjoys the adventure. After all, the whole point of domination is to fulfill fantasies and pleasures.

Don't judge his fetishes, just determine which ones you want to include. Everyone has limits, so find yours. And find his. You want to cause pleasure, not panic. The best way to do this is to ask him. The idea of asking him may be frightening, somewhat awkward, and embarrassing. However, some of the things you will be doing require an amazing amount of trust. If you can't talk to him, you aren't ready for that level of trust. Just think of it as one of the sexiest conversations you've ever had. Honestly, if he has fantasies of being bound, asking him details about how to tie him will do nothing but make him focus on his fantasy. Odds are he'll thank you for it a hundred times over.

Domination is partially about physical power and partially about the perception of being overpowered. The illusion of being completely helpless is a major key to why domination is so sexy. He'll never be truly helpless because of the safety word (see the next paragraph for an explanation), but it's your job to feed the illusion. It's part of the game.

The last issue of preparation is the most important: safety. This isn't the safe sex discussion. Chances are you've heard that lecure a hundred times over. (If you haven't, look elsewhere for the mechanics of safe sex.) This safety issue is about the safety word. Pick a word that will never be mentioned as part of the hot, sweaty, dominating fun. In other words, don't pick "no" or "stop" or "you're hurting me". Those might be said to make the game more realistic. Pick something completely off-the-wall like the make of your car, your favorite musician, or "Constantinople." Just make sure it is something that can't be confused with anything else except the desire to stop everything that's happening. Here is where trust plays a crucial role. You must trust him enough to say the word when he needs to, and he must trust you enough that you'll stop when he says the word. No matter what, everyone must stop when that word is spoken because someone isn't comfortable. Discuss why the word was spoken. Just because he was uncomfortable with one thing doesn't mean he won't want to try twenty others. It doesn't mean to stop dominating him altogether.

Domination....Begin

First of all, relax. Chances are he's not an expert at this either. He'll be excited enough that you're trying and willing, so you don't need to be an expert. Remember that it's a game. It's just a temporary, role-playing game that's supposed to be fun and sexy. Afraid you'll laugh or won't be able to pull it off? Just remember two things: 1. It's role-playing, which means you literally play a role. You can act like a dominatrix just like acting in a play. You get to be someone else, so play it up! 2. He wants you to do this for his pleasure. You're fulfilling a fantasy for him, which is one of the sexiest, most intimate things partners can do for each other. It won't be so funny once you see the fire in his eyes.

Most men also love to hear a woman talk while being dominated. You can start small with whispers about how he isn't allowed to move....how he isn't allowed to touch you....how he can do nothing but wait for you to touch him. It's will get his mind racing even more.

Clothing

This is essential. Generally, men are visual creatures. This can really work to your advantage in the domination world. When men imagine being dominated, they almost always imagine the outfit. If he hasn't told you his favorite dominatrix clothing, don't worry. The basics are pretty standard, and you can always get suggestions from a friend or the internet. Think dark colors, a little slutty, and lots of texture.

Dark colors imply a harshness that is essential to the domination illusion. It's hard to appear forceful in pale yellow. Red, royal blue, silver, and dark purple work well. But the most popular by far is black. You can also mix and match black with any other dark color. The most important thing is to wear something that makes you feel absolutely sexy. It's hard to be a sex goddess if you're worried how your thighs look. Dark and dramatic are essential in making you a sexy dominatrix.

You should also show some skin. Men love the visual, remember? Well go ahead and show it to him. Don't worry about your non-model body. Remember, he's submitting to you because he wants to. Because he thinks you're sexy. Because he wants to see your body taking control of his. He's going to love seeing your bare arms, your thong, your short skirt, your bare midriff....whatever you decide. Think of it as more bare skin you get to rub against him.

Clothing textures are important as well. Some of the more popular textures in domination are leather, latex, silk, satin, lace, and metal. Mixing them can be very fun. Leather boots coupled with satin panties and a latex top....each one is a different thrill when it slides against his skin, lips, tongue, etc. Your textures don't have to match, they just have to provoke amazing sensations.

Lastly, don't forget his fetishes. If he has a foot fetish, spend some time (and perhaps a little money) picking out some dynamite shoes. If he has an anal fetish, wear something that shows off your ass. If he has a spanking fetish, wear sparkly rings and paint your nails a gorgeous red. Be sure to focus on his fetish to flood his brain with his own desire.

The Rest

Each man who wants to be dominated is different. The best piece of advice is to pay attention to his reactions. Not only is it arousing to watch a man get excited, but it will tell you what he likes and what you can do next.

For example, let's say you have his arms pinned down while straddling him. If he's straining to kiss you, take notice: he wants to kiss you. So what's sexy and dominating? Making him wait for it. Tell him he can't kiss you yet. Then to prove your power and test his obedience, lean down so close until he can feel your breath on his lips. You can even touch your tongue to each corner of his mouth. Anything to make him even crazier to kiss you. Make him wait. If he moves to kiss you, pull away. If he disobeys, punish him how you see fit. Assert your power! Listen to the way his breath hitches, the way he strains at your arms holding him down, the little whimper in the back of his throat. It's sexy as hell and shows you how much he loves it. And when you finally let him kiss you, it's the kiss of a starving man.

As another example, let's say he loves giving oral sex (lucky girl). Straddle him just above his face and finger yourself. He can't touch you, can't do anything but watch you, smell you, and feel your heat. (Plus this isn't all bad for you. You're touching yourself exactly the way you want.) Make him beg if you want because you're in charge. Then when you're ready, let him lick you to his heart's content. And yours. He thinks you're rewarding him, but if he licks you to kingdom come, who's really rewarded?

Now you get to learn the biggest benefit of dominating your man. Besides being the best girlfriend/lover ever for giving him fantasies, you're also feeling sexier than ever. Everything's hotter and more intimate. But here's the icing on the cake: it's the easiest way to teach him exactly how to please you. Wonder how? Well, the majority of men who like being dominated also like to be told what to do. They find it extremely sexy to touch you when and how you say.

So let's say you'd like him to rub your clit more before sliding his fingers inside you. Well as his dominatrix, you can lay spread-eagle, put him on his knees between your legs, and instruct him exactly what to do and when. Don't make it a how-to. Make demands. Remember, "making" him do it and controlling every action is exactly what he finds sexy. So tell him things like, "You can touch me right here. I will let you stroke me on the outside from bottom to top, slowly. If you don't do it slow enough, you won't get to do it again." He's in heaven because he gets to touch you, and he's getting dominated. You're in heaven because you're getting exactly what you want. When you're the dominatrix, phrase anything the right way (you are allowed to....I will let you....you must....do....now....) and you both get what you want. Find the words that make your man crazy with passion, and you can teach him anything you want. You come hard enough, and he'll remember what he did so he can do it again.

Much of domination is teasing. Denying him the exact thing he wants until he can barely stand it is an extremely erotic way to dominate a man. Just remember, it's not technically teasing because you actually reward him. (Which means please don't actually tease him. That's just mean.) This kind of teasing is just prolonging the pleasure to make it stronger. Remember, it's about sensation, intimacy, and the illusion of power.