Fool's Gold Ch. 05

Anne slowly got to her feet and started to walk back to her house. I watched her back for a second before stopping her.

"Annie?"

At the sound of my voice she half turned reluctantly.

"Why now?" I asked softly. "It's been over four years. Why did you decide it was finally time to apologize?"

Anne opened her mouth to respond, and then shut it with a snap as words failed her. She slowly turned the rest of the way, and moved back towards the bench. She sat down again with a thoughtful expression.

"I'm not sure." She started slowly. "It's complicated. In some ways it just didn't seem appropriate until recently. Either I wasn't ready to tell you, or you weren't ready to hear it. I've tried to get up the courage to tell you this a half dozen times, but something always came up to stop me.

"Right after the separation, when you told me to get out, I was still trying to blame you for my troubles. Even when you rubbed my nose in my behavior, I still kept on trying to find some way to shift some of the blame. I hate to admit it, but I wasn't ready to apologize then, because I still hadn't accepted responsibility for what I did."

Anne smiled ruefully and said, "Besides, what was the point? It seemed pretty clear that you and I were going our separate ways. As long as we could be civil to each other when it came to the girls..."

Anne shrugged. "Anyway, the lack of an apology didn't seem to be bothering you any. From the little the girls told me, you seemed to be adjusting well."

Anne stopped her narrative and turned to face me with an intent look on her face. "You've got to understand, Bill; it took me a long time to realize exactly what I had thrown away. The longer we were apart, the more I regretted my behavior. How's that song go? 'You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.' I never realized how good of a man you were until I'd lost you.

"Every time I dated someone, I kept comparing them to you. You were the standard that they had to meet." Anne snorted sardonically. "Problem was, it was a damn high bar for the guys to meet. The more I looked, the more I realized how precious our relationship was, and how hard it was going to be to replace it with something that could even come close to matching it.

"It wasn't until I saw you on that date that it really hit home. I couldn't believe how jealous I got when I saw you kiss her, and look at her the way you used to look at me." Anne blushed in embarrassment. "That was when I realized that I still was in love with you. You were the man that I should have been with.

"That was why I wanted you to know about Alan. I think I had some crazy dream that you would come back to me. But even then, I wasn't ready to face what I had done to you. If you had asked, I'm sure I would have told you I was sorry, but I was still mostly thinking about me, and how nice it would be if we could go back to where we were before I screwed things up.

"By the time we went to Florida with the girls, I was really beginning to dream that we might reconcile. I could tell you were still hesitant, but I thought I could overcome that. I realized that sooner or later we would have to talk things through, but I was hoping to put it off, until we back together again. Maybe get some counseling or something.

"It was Jean that really opened my eyes, though."

A cloud of sorrow passed over Anne's face as she remembered back.

"It's funny. Until you started to get serious with her, I never really thought about losing you forever. As long as you were just playing the field, I thought I had some chance of getting you back.

"When you told the girls about proposing to her, I finally had to recognize what I had done. The girls told me how much Jean reminded them of me. Hell, I ran into your cousin Grace. She got a kick out of telling me how she mistook Jean for me.

"Up to that point, I was hoping for reconciliation, because that was what I wanted. I wanted you because you were the best guy for me. I didn't stop to think about the other side of the coin, whether I was the best woman for you."

Anne face screwed up in total misery.

"Jean rubbed my nose in the fact that I was the reason we didn't get back together. How do you think your dating her looked to me? One day things are looking up for us to get back together… and the next thing I know, you are replacing me with someone who could be my twin sister. It made me realize that you rejected me because of what I had done.

"That's when I really started to look at my behavior. I started to think about what I had done, not just from my perspective, but also from how you might have viewed it. I didn't have the luxury of excuses and justifications, anymore.

"When I figured it out, I was ready to apologize, but the time didn't seem right. I was trying to deal with the girls, and you didn't need extra grief, either. You had enough troubles with Jean.

"After that… well, I wanted to give you some time after you and Jean broke up."

Anne smiled sardonically.

"I didn't want you to think I was trying to catch you on the rebound. I decided to hold off for a while, and just be your friend, to let you set the tone."

Anne looked embarrassed.

"As for why I told you today? For that, you can blame the girls. They were the ones that convinced me that it was time to apologize."

At my look of astonishment, she grinned.

"Yes, the girls. They've been after me to talk to you, since Thanksgiving. They kept on telling me that you'd never forgive me for what I'd done, until I apologized."

"How'd they find out?" I asked in a bemused tone.

This was the first indication that I had received that the girls knew of the affair. I had never told them the full reason behind the divorce, and I had always assumed that Annie has been equally as circumspect.

Anne blushed in embarrassment.

"After you and Jean broke up, I guess I got a little too nosy with the questions I was asking. I started to pester the girls about what you were doing, and with whom. The girls finally confronted me about it. They hounded me until they got me to admit that I still loved you, and wanted for us to get back together."

Annie blushed as she realized what she had just admitted. Anne's blush deepened as she rushed to continue.

"I don't think you realize how angry the girls were with you over Jean. Just when they thought that we might be willing to try to reconcile, you pulled the rug out by falling in love with someone else.

"When the girls found out that I wanted us to get back together, they jumped to the wrong conclusion. I was hoping for reconciliation, they wanted us back together; you were the only one that wasn't willing to try. They were still upset over Jean, and they started to view you as the bad guy. They jumped to the conclusion that you must have been the one who caused the divorce. You must have been the one to blame.

"I heard the girls talking one night, and I knew that I had to tell them what had happened. I couldn't let you be blamed for my stupidity. So I confessed the whole mess to them, so they could know whom to blame for the divorce. It took them a while, but they forgave me for my stupidity. They convinced me that the only chance I had to win you back was to apologize to you. Maybe then you could eventually forgive me too."

With this final admission, Anne stared defiantly into my face. The challenge was obvious. She had said her piece. Now it was my turn. It was up to me to decide what happened next. Out of some perverse sense of justice, I decided that I needed her to say the words that she had implied so clearly.

"So, what is it that you want Annie? What are you asking me to do?"

Anne looked at me as if I was daft. She bristled for a second, but then caught herself, and looked me in the eye with a rueful grin.

"If you had asked me that question about a year and a half ago, when we were down in Florida, the answer would have been easy. All I wanted then was a second chance.

"But now, I realize it's not that simple. After the way I treated you, I don't know if it's possible for you to give me that chance, let alone whether I deserve it. I'd still like to ask you for a second chance; but even more, what I'd like is for as much of a relationship as you can give me. Whether its friends, lovers, whatever, I'm asking you to give me a chance to make it up to you."

For the first time since the divorce, Anne grabbed my hand and held it between hers as she stared at me intently.

"Bill, I promised myself that I wouldn't pressure you. I know that I gave you a lot to think about tonight. All I ask is that you remember everything we've talked about."

With that final comment, we got up from the bench and started the walk back to the house. I had a feeling that my mind would be busy for a while trying to make sense of everything that I had just heard.

I'm no idiot. I had been a supervisor long enough to learn a few truisms about human behavior. I assumed that Anne hadn't told me everything. Hell, even if she believed every word of it, I had to assume that at some level, the story had been slanted in her favor.

Even when you tried to be hard on yourself, it's natural to assign yourself better motives or justifications. Subconsciously you try to slant things for your benefit. Sometimes the easiest person to fool is the one that stares back at you when you look in the mirror. There was no way she had let me know everything that had gone on. So I wasn't about to take Anne's explanation completely at face value.

When we got back to the house, it wasn't difficult to figure out that the girls knew what had happened. You could tell from the way that they kept staring at Annie that they were dying to get her somewhere they could question her. Every look they shot me was filled with speculation and ill hidden curiosity. I had a feeling that as soon as the girls got one of us alone, the inquisition would start.

I didn't stay much longer that afternoon. I said my goodbyes after making arrangements to pick the girls up next weekend. It worked well that it was Anne's week with the girls. I needed a chance to think things through, before I faced the pressure I was sure they would exert for Anne and I to get back together.

Maybe Annie had been telling me the truth when she said that she wasn't going to pressure me but I wasn't about to expect the same consideration from my girls.

I didn't get much work done that week. No matter what I decided, my life was about to change again. The difference this time was that I was the one calling the shots. I needed to figure out what the best course of action would be for me.

Naturally, I talked with Laura to get her thoughts and advice. What was unusual was that my normally loquacious twin was reticent in telling me her mind. Oh, she listened to what I had to say and was willing to be my sounding board, but she flat out refused to give me the advice I sought.

"Junior, the only piece of advice you need is something you already know. You've been spouting it for months," Laura stated with a grin. "You'd be well advised to do what Anne suggested. Think about everything Anne has told you. Not only her explanation, but also everything she has said over the past few months. You need to make up your own mind about what to do, and do it for the right reasons.

"Just promise me that whatever you decide, it's based on what you want, not what other people expect or want. Do what's best for Bill. Don't let anybody or anything make up your mind for you."

"Anything? What are you talking about?" I interrupted.

Laura shook her finger at me in a mock scold. "Think about it. You're going to have Sarah, Lacey, Anne, your former in-laws and god knows who else telling you that you should forgive Anne. On the other hand Joe and some of your other friends are going to be telling you not to do it. Chances are, everyone is going to push your buttons to get you see things their way.

"On top of all that, don't forget your stubbornness and your hurt ego. I know you better than you know yourself. I know how hard it is for you to let go of a grudge, at times. Anne hurt you when she walked out, but that can't be the only thing you think about. You need to decide whether it's possible to get past that. Don't let your injured pride take control. Look at everything.

"Thing is, the only person who can tell you if it's the right thing to do is the one living inside your skin. If you are not happy and committed to the decision, it's going to get real ugly, real fast. So, take Anne's advice. You know what is entailed and the pluses and minuses with Annie. Think it through, and make your decision for the right reasons. For once in your life, think about yourself first."

With that piece of advice, Laura shut up and refused to say more. I guess there really is a first time for everything.

By week's end, I was still nowhere near a decision. I had stayed away from Anne that week, forgoing our now customary family dinner on Wednesday. It wasn't that I was angry, or that I hated her, I just didn't want to see her until my mind had cleared.

I'm not normally indecisive, but this was a big decision.

My feelings towards Annie were complicated. I could tell I still loved her, if only by how much her story hurt. Spider Robinson once opined that the opposite of hate was not love, but like. The true opposite of love is apathy. If I had lost my love for Annie, then her story would not have bothered me. I simply wouldn't have cared, anymore. Because I still loved Annie, she had the power to hurt me. And, if I was honest, I still had the power to hurt her.

The question I needed to answer was whether I could get over my anger and hurt, and whether I could get over her rejection of me. After four plus years apart, it wasn't the affair that bothered me as much as it was what it led to, her decision to leave. I was bothered by her decision to give up and not fight for what we had once had.

That was the cause of my dilemma.

Did I want to give Anne another chance to hurt me? More importantly, could I trust her enough not to abuse that power?

I'm not saying that the thought of Anne having sex with Johnson or any other guy thrilled me, but that was over four years ago. If we did get back together, I instinctively realized that we would have to treat it as if we were starting over, in a new relationship. If we tried to pick up from where we had ended, or tried to hang on to jealousy over the people we had slept with during our time apart, it would doom any new relationship before it began.

As for Johnson, I wasn't about to forget about the affair. Annie wouldn't forget either. We both needed to remember, in order to avoid similar situations in the future. I wanted us to remember the affair, and all the mistakes that made it possible.

I didn't think forgiveness was an issue either. It was no longer necessary. Anne and I had been apart for over four years. The longer I thought about it, the more I realized that Annie had already paid the full price for her failings.

I was also concerned about the potential consequences of a failed reconciliation. Annie and I had redeveloped a friendship that was getting quite comfortable. It allowed us the ability to do things together with the girls, with some semblance of being a family unit. I seriously doubted that any type of friendship would survive, if we tried and failed to reconstruct our marriage.

It was the age-old dilemma.

Did I want to risk what we already had, on the substantial risk that we could successfully get back together?

By the end of the week, I had reached some conclusions.

I wasn't going to avoid Annie.

At the very least, I wanted her back in my life as a friend. As for starting anew, my concerns remained. I was willing to try for more, as long as we took it 'slow and steady'. I didn't know how long it would take, but we could only build a new relationship, if we took it step by step.

Anne had suggested as a solution, that I give her as much of a relationship as I could offer her. She was right, but that only addressed part of the issue. We needed to find a comfort level we could both enjoy.

That Sunday, Anne attempted to avoid me when she brought the girls over. When she drove up, I had a feeling of déjà vu. It reminded me of the first few months after the divorce.

Anne didn't get out of the car, or make any move to come in. If anything, she did everything she could to minimize her presence as the girls got out of the car and ran into the house.

I could see her watching me as I stood on the steps, but she kept her distance.

I made 'the first step', by going out to her car and asking her in for dinner. She looked at me in surprise, but quickly accepted. A look of anxious anticipation crossed her face as she realized that she was soon to learn my decision.

I was expecting the third degree from Sarah & Lacey, but it never materialized. They gave me a quick hug and departed to the family room to watch TV. To say I was surprised would be an understatement, but I shrugged and walked with Anne into the den. I wanted to talk to her first, but I also wanted to talk to the girls too. My decision would affect all of us and I wanted them to realize this.

My conversation with Annie didn't take long. I just wanted her to understand what I was going through. I told her about my fears and my desire to take it slow. She was touched by my reluctance to risk what we had already developed but had a little difficulty understanding my concern.

"Annie, we have to remember that neither of us are the same persons we were four years ago. We've both had a lot of experiences, both good and bad, that have changed us. I learned my lesson with Jean. I don't want to jump into anything.

Anne flushed at my reminder of my aborted relationship. It was a good reminder to me, that she had issues to deal with, too.

"See," I continued, gesturing at her reaction. "It's not just me. This isn't just a case of my getting past your affair. You've got to come to grips with what I've done since the divorce, too. I've changed in ways that you may not know. There's no going back to where we were. If we get back together again, it's going to be a fresh start. Neither of us can expect the same old, same old.

"For example, let's talk about sex," I said. I wanted to try to shock her a little bit. "If and when we do get back to a sexual relationship, there are some new things I'd like to try with you. I've tried a lot of new things since the divorce, and I'm hoping we can do them together."

Anne blushed. Our sex life together had been active, but it had never been that daring. Oral sex had been mostly foreplay, and anal play was a non-starter. We had mostly relied on a few standard positions we knew we both enjoyed. Annie and I had made love as a method of getting close to one another. We had enjoyed our lengthy cuddles, as much as actual sex.

Since the divorce, I had broadened my sexual horizons. If I did get back together with Annie, I planned on exploring her horizons as well. I always wanted a chance to explore her fantasies. Just as long as they didn't involve 'swapping', or another guy.

"Annie, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I also don't want to place you in a position where you feel you have to do things, just to please me. If we try to reconcile, we both have to careful to do it for the right reasons. If I force you to try something and you go along from some sense of 'making it up to me', then you could end up resenting me later. We need to be open and up front about what we want."

Anne reluctantly nodded. I could see the wheels turning in her head. She had approached the reconciliation as addressing only my issues and concerns. How she could make her affair up to me. Now she was beginning to realize that she needed to consider her own feelings as well.