Touch Ch. 03

Light filtered through my eyelids and painted the darkness a light pink across my vision. I was awake and not happy about it. The sleep I'd fallen into had been so good, so much better than any I'd had in what seemed like years, that I just didn't want to give it up. The pull of unconsciousness was fading and I could do nothing to bring it back. Once awake, I'm awake for good.

I let my eyes remain closed for a few more moments, pretending to no one that I was asleep. The warm body that had been pressed tight to me had been such a comfort through the night. I knew I'd had good dreams, sweet dreams even, though I couldn't remember them. I never can.

My eyes opened to see my sister but I was alone, the sheets tucked against me as I lay on my left side. My shoulder was killing me, one of my many injuries, but I hadn't noticed it until I realized I was alone. Somehow it hadn't mattered until then.

I panicked, thinking she'd woken up to realize that the real world was still there and what we had become couldn't exist within it. I had been worrying she might reach that realization from the moment this all started and now that worry became a tight ball of fear that made me sick to my stomach. I kicked at the sheets to push them off my body, naked and vulnerable as a newborn.

I was about to tear my way from the entangled sheets and take off to search the house for her when the sound that had been white noise to my ears the whole time took shape in my mind. The steady spray of water that could only be a shower filled my head and eased my terror stricken mind. I felt my heart beating wildly in my chest as the comprehension that Kerry must be in the shower and hadn't run away in disgust failed to slow it right away.

Too energized by my moment of frantic fear, I couldn't simply lay back and enjoy the unique sensation of waking up in my sister's bed for the first time. I pulled myself from the bed and started for the door intent on joining her in the shower. I rotated my stiff shoulder, feeling the pop of something that shouldn't do that deep in the joint.

I stepped through the door and two paces down the hall I was in front of the door to the bathroom. It was closed, not really unusual since the possibility of showering together hadn't ever existed before. I was still a bit unsettled by that, and I felt a resurgence of panic trying to rise in me. I fought it down and grabbed the doorknob to go in just as the shower went silent.

I could hear her moving through the door, climbing from the bath to dry herself. I wanted to go in but I didn't want to freak her out by just barging in. I hesitated, still worried she wouldn't want me to see her naked again. I cast about for some kind of rational thought to surface before I figured the best way to find out how she felt about me being in the bathroom with her would be to ask.

"Kerry?" I called through the door after a light knock. "Do you mind if I come in?"

"I'm almost done Jay, just give me a sec and it's all yours." Maybe I hadn't been specific enough but now I was stuck. She thought I wanted to use the bathroom, which as it turned out I needed to. I faltered but determination firmed within me and I tried again.

"Do you mind if I come in before you're done?" Silence greeted that and the panic threatened to swell to the breaking point within me. I fought it off and wondered if I should tell her I loved her again. "Kerry?"

"I'm done Jay, go ahead." She pulled open the door and spoke from a foot or two away from me. She was wrapped in a towel big enough for two of her and had her hair similarly wrapped. She looked me in the eye and my heart fell. She looked scared. It wasn't on her face but hidden deep within her eyes and I knew she didn't think I could see it.

"Uh, thanks. I'll just be a minute if..."

"Take as long as you like, I'm gonna go have breakfast after I put some clothes on." She smiled but the fear was still in her eyes and it made mine surge to the point that I had to dash in the bathroom past her in order to avoid letting her see it play across my face.

I closed the door behind me as she walked off toward her bedroom and leaned against it feeling more fear than any insurgent had ever managed to inspire in me. Bullets and bombs can only kill you; love can tear you into shreds and leave you perfectly intact to suffer more the next day.

I used the toilet and then the shower, numb with the understanding that we may have had a one day love affair. I didn't mourn my missed opportunity to make love to her, she wasn't ready so it didn't matter how bad I wanted it. Instead I wondered how we could live together with such an event to color everything between us. How we could deal with knowing we had given in to our powerful emotions and sinned worse than anyone we knew could ever understand.

Worst of all, I wondered if it would kill me when she told me it had been a mistake that we needed to keep secret and never talk about. As much as I was frightened of the pain such an event would give me, I feared she would be wounded worse. Shit, what did I do?

The weight of my selfishness crushed me as I leaned against the tiles in the shower and felt tears burn down my face. I took the best person in my life, the best person who I had ever met and could ever hope to meet, and soiled her with my dark lust. How could she deal with such a thing? How could she reconcile who she had been with what I'd made of her? Surely she'd never forgive me for taking her innocence and damning her to hell.

Her comment about being willing to go to hell surged through my mind. I had brushed it aside in my lust infused state, not willing to listen to her as she told me that she knew what we were doing would have far reaching consequences that I hadn't ever considered. Too swept up in the moment, those words were her best attempt to tell me to stop.

I sobbed and this time I didn't have the loving shoulder of Kerry to support me. I sank down to sit against the back of the tub, racked with painful sobs that stole my air and cramped my stomach. I was going to hell, but that was inconsequential when compared to the fact that my sister would one day join me there. I had torn down a saint and dragged her through the muck. Surely Satan waits with a happy grin for me.

I hadn't ever put any stock in the whole burning for eternity thing before, but that was when I was the only one in risk. The thought of Kerry suffering like that, even if it was just some outdated superstition and there was no Hell, was too much to bear. I couldn't risk her soul because it felt good to be with her.

I finished crying, not because I wasn't still feeling worse than I ever had but because I couldn't continue. I was turning into a prune from being pelted with water for so long and it felt like I hadn't drawn a full breath for hours. Climbing to my feet, I ran some soap over my body and shampooed my hair before twisting off the water. I stepped out onto the towel Kerry had left on the floor in her haste to get away from me and felt the cool stains of her water beneath my soles. It chilled me as I was reminded of my loss.

I pulled a towel from the closet to my right and mindlessly went about the business of drying off; watching the steam from my shower swirl in eddies around my head as my arms moved through it. As the swirls spun away from me I wondered how I could handle the inevitable conversation that faced me on the other side of the door. Would she break down and cry for what I had done to her? Would she be angry and accuse me of taking advantage of her when she was weak? Would she be flip and tell me it was nothing?

With nothing else to wear I wrapped myself in the towel I had used and grabbed the one from under my feet to throw it in the hamper. I pulled open the door and followed the churning steam from the bathroom out into the hallway. The hamper was to my right and I deposited the towel in it as I went by to head into my room. I pulled on some shorts and a t-shirt and turned to head into my future.

I paused as I noticed a crumpled hand towel by my door, lying where Kerry had left it yesterday on the carpet. It just served to remind me of how I had soiled her and after a moment I moved on, leaving the damn thing where it had been dropped.

I tossed my towel in the hamper and made my way downstairs, letting my footfalls sound loudly on each step as I descended. I wanted her to know I was coming so she could avoid me if she wanted to. I was as ready as I could be for the talk, but I wanted to eat something first.

Kerry was curled up on the couch watching some Saturday morning cartoon I had no idea she even knew existed as I turned from the living room and made my way to the kitchen. I didn't try to look closely at her as I passed by behind the couch, hoping to have a few more minutes to compose myself before having to stare her pain in the face. Instead I simply walked through the edge of the room and into the kitchen.

I dug out my usual breakfast, cereal and milk, and filled a bowl. Sitting at the island I ignored the sharp memory of what we'd done on that structure and dug in to my cereal. Every time I looked up I was reminded of the sight she'd made as she stood in front of the sink with her back to me. I refused to relive what I'd done to her in reaction to that sight but relished the feeling she'd given me by simply being good and beautiful and pure.

I was done with my cereal and staring at the sink lost in emptiness. No thoughts penetrated my mind and I just drifted, feeling numb. Slowly I raised out of it enough to start to move again, taking my spoon and bowl over to the sink to wash them without once telling my limbs to do so. My hands pushed the soapy sponge hard against the bowl with circular swipes and soon enough it was clean and drying on the rack.

With a sigh I turned and headed back toward the living room, feeling a creeping dread well up inside me as each step took me closer to my victim. I felt like a man on death row going to see the family of the person he'd killed. 'Dead man walkin' sounded over and over in my head. But I wasn't dead; I was still alive, still here to cause Kerry more pain.

I couldn't see her as I approached the couch from an angle that didn't allow me to see the front but I noticed she'd turned off the TV. I drew up all the courage I'd ever had and fought down more fear than I'd ever known as my feet continued to take me to the armrest closest to me. As she came into view a sharp pain in my chest threatened to drop me where I stood. She was crying, not sobbing but just letting tears flow down her face. I'd never known the pain of another could hurt so bad.

"Kerry?" I didn't mean to make it sound like a question but it came out as one anyway. I fought to maintain my feet and stumbled to the lazy boy at an angle to the couch. I plopped down in it and watched as those tears stained the throw pillow she was resting her head on.

"Kerry we have to talk," my voice was weak and reedy as I forced out words I never wanted to speak. "I think I may have pushed you too far. I think I made a mistake."

She choked loudly at that and her tears were accompanied by sobs that gathered intensity with each passing moment. I could only stare as she did what I couldn't at the moment and mourned our folly. She shook with such force the pain in it was visible and all I could do was gape like an idiot.

How I wanted to soothe her. How I wanted to take that pain from her and hold it in myself. I would have gladly accepted that, knowing agony of such magnitude could well kill me. It didn't matter. I didn't need to live anymore. I just needed to save her that pain. I was faced with the knowledge that I couldn't do that, I was useless to her. Nothing could have hurt me more than that.

"Kerry?" Again my tone indicated a question but I wasn't asking anything. I couldn't think of something to say. There were so many words that we needed to share with each other but none of them would come. I was paralyzed and mute as she shook harder than ever on that couch.

"I'm still a coward Jay," she barely whispered as her eyes finally sought me out. She looked hurt beyond words and I felt the tears I'd thought tapped out filling my eyes.

"I'm so sorry," I moaned through a tightening throat. Once again tears drew lines down my face and I felt like the worst sort of fool.

"'I'm sorry.' That's what you have to say to me! I'm sorry!" She was suddenly fierce with rage as she rose from the couch and threw herself at me. "You aren't sorry, you can't be sorry!"

"Kerry..." She landed in my lap and though it looked like she was ready to kill me she instead wrapped me in a tight embrace.

"Please don't be sorry Jay. Please, don't regret it too. Please, if you get scared I'll be lost." She hissed in my ear as we shook with sobs. I had no idea what she was talking about. "I need you Jay. I need you!"

I held her to me and we cried. I was shocked with how badly I had misread the situation but I still couldn't figure out what she was feeling or why she was feeling it. Did she want me to tell her everything was alright? Did she need me to validate her love for me or the heinous nature of our act? Did she need to be my victim so she didn't feel like she had committed the sin too?

Deep anguish seemed to flow between us and resound on itself, growing bigger to unbearable proportions as we flailed helplessly in its grip. She shook, I shook harder, and she shook even harder in return. Our bodies reached their limit as we tore ourselves apart with fear, regret, and sadness. Just when I was certain I would be crushed and never draw breath again the pressure released and we fell into silence.

We whimpered together, both destroyed by the power of what we'd just put each other through. There was no ego, no sense of self as we melded together into something neither of us was or ever had been. Slowly we separated back into a separate pair as the numbness took hold.

"Kerry, what's going on?" I asked at just barely a whisper. She stirred against me, unwilling to rise to the challenge of forming words just yet.

We sat in silence, her on my lap and leaning into me with her head on my chest and her arms holding me weakly. Exhaustion made those arms shake and when I noticed that I realized mine were shaking too. My shirt was stained with her tears and left me cool with every touch against my chest. Her robe was bunched under her and pressing into my thighs painfully but it was at most distant.

"I'm sorry Jay, I know you don't want me to be but I'm just so scared." She finally started to explain. "I'm scared that what we did, what we are, will kill us. I'm afraid that I'll never be enough for you. It kills me that you have to keep trying to fix me..."

"I don't have to fix you Kerry."

"But you do it anyway," she whispered as she finally looked me in the eye. The pain was gone but her fear seemed permanently attached to her.

"That's not..."

"You do. I wish I could be better, but I'm not." Again her head sank to look away from me and I held her as best I could with shivering arms.

"You don't need to be better Kerry. You're already better than I'll ever deserve."

"Don't say that."

"It's true..."

"It's not true! I'm just holding you back! I'm just a stupid little girl who's too scared of..."

"Stop it! Stop it Kerry! I won't let you do this! I won't let you diminish yourself for my benefit!" She fell silent then, either not able or not willing to push things further. I held her as she vibrated against me, wondering how I could ever tell her that she needed to get away from me.

"What are we gonna do Jay?" She whimpered into my chest. I heaved a sigh and couldn't figure out how she thought I could answer that.

"I don't know Kerry. I wish I did, but I don't." She snuggled against me and we returned to the charged silence. We sat like that in silence for so long I was beginning to think she'd fallen asleep.

"Kerry?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe we should think about this rationally. Consider our options."

"Maybe. What are our options?" I held my breath as she asked that. This was it, the worst moment of my life. I had to convince her to reject me, to run and never look back and pray for forgiveness for the rest of her life.

"Remember what you said in the kitchen about going to hell?" I asked in a shaky voice and she looked up at me with knit brows.

"What about it?"

"I think we need to think about that. You're such a good person Kerry and I..."

"Oh no! Don't even think it! No way Jay, you aren't pulling that shit on me. No way!" She shot up to sit very straight and look me in the eye, her free hand gesturing wildly.

"Kerry..."

"No Jay, you're already my knight in shining armor you don't have to prove it by saving me from myself."

"Kerry please!"

"No, I won't listen to it. I won't! I'm not going to hell Jay, not if you aren't willing to sacrifice that with me." I just blinked at her. Did she think I was trying to save myself?

"Look, you know what we did was wrong. You know that, that's why you kept stopping. Not because you're afraid of being intimate, because you know what you're doing will have consequences." I pressed her, sure she'd see reason.

"That's what you think? You think I'm like that? Do you really think I'd tell you I love you like that if I didn't?"

"Kerry that's not what I said!"

"No, you said I was afraid to go to hell. Well I don't care about that shit! I'm not even sure I believe in it! You think you know me so well but you don't, I'm not some mindless drone that accepts everything the Church says without thinking about it." She was getting very animated now, throwing her arms in the air and shifting on my lap to face me directly.

"I didn't say..."

"No but that's what you think of me. You told me before to let go of the Catholic shit but you never asked if I already had." She poked me in the chest and I realized I'd underestimated her. After everything she'd proven able to handle, I'd underestimated her.

I was forced to stop and think. I couldn't convince her that I was the wrong choice like this; she had too many defenses ready for it. I had to find some other way. I thought back over what she'd said but she didn't give me a chance to figure it out.

"Jay I don't want to stop. I don't want to try to find someone else who'll never compare to you. I've always been in love with you, since before I even knew what that meant. There's never been anyone else. Ever." She was staring me in the eye and I couldn't think in the face of such honest beauty.

"Say something Jay. Don't just sit there trying to find a way to convince me to give you up, say something." I was shocked she'd reached right in me and pulled out the truth of what I'd been trying to do. I tried my best to say something intelligent.

"I...I don't know what to say." I failed.

"Say you love me. Say you'll always love me. No matter what. Say that and we can make it through anything." She softly implored, her eyes wide with love and fear.

"Kerry..."

"If you can't say it now Jay then I'll just wait. I don't care how long it takes, I'll wait."

We fell silent as I struggled to reconcile twin urges to confess my love and try again to scuttle her. She sank back into me and wrapped her left arm around my waist as her head pressed over my heart. Feeling her like that, so vulnerable and yet so strong made it seem irrational to ever want her to leave.

But it wasn't irrational. There was no doubt that this, whatever it was, was bad. Sure it felt good, but so does smoking crack. Just because something feels good it doesn't mean it's right. I may not be the strongest of moral pillars, but I know better than to believe anything that feels good is good. She did too, but just refused to accept it.

"Kerry please listen to me." I said softly into her mass of curly brown hair. "Please, look at me and just listen. Alright?" She sat up again and looked at me, eyes wide with fear. She thought I was going to break her heart and if everything went right I would.