Polysexuality Ch. 03

Chapter 3: Are You a Polysexual? Questions & Answers

Q: My husband and I fight a lot, and we're planning to get a divorce. I've fallen in love with another man, and we're planning to get married after my divorce is final. Sex with him is great. Actually, sex is pretty good with my husband, too. I just don't love him, and I can't get along with him, except when we're in bed. Am I a polysexual?

A: If you are comfortable having sex with both your almost ex-husband and your next husband, then maybe you are. Do you have any interest in having more partners? If you don't, and if after your divorce you only have sex with your next husband, then you might not be a polysexual. It's possible that at present you have one partner because he's your husband and the other one because you are trying to develop a monosexual relationship with him.

Q: My daughter is nineteen. She claims that she's been very active sexually since she was fourteen and that in high school she was considered the school slut. She doesn't seem to be too concerned about it, and apart from that, at present she's quite a nice person. We're closer now than she used to be, and she's studying to be a nurse. Is she a polysexual?

A: It's true that often promiscuity at such a young age is a reflection of psychological problems, home problems, abuse of various kinds, or an attempt to be noticed, but not everyone with such problems becomes sexually promiscuous. Those things do not cause a polysexual orientation, but they can exacerbate it, bring it out sooner and stronger. It may be that some girls who do this are not in fact polysexual, but probably their willingness to get into it suggests that most of them are (which is not to say that they are always happy with it—they may enjoy the sex but not the social stigma).

Actively polysexual teenage girls are of course more likely to get pregnant, more likely to contract and pass on sexually transmitted diseases, and more likely to get cervical cancer later in life. Having sexually active teenagers can be scary for parents, too.

Probably most of the people who enter the sex industry—whether video, magazines, strip clubs, or the other options—are polysexuals. This means they are likely to enjoy their work and to not see anything wrong with it. They may not be always well treated, but they may be quite happy with a sort of work that appalls many people. They may not see themselves as victims of male degradation of women, but as stars living a glamorous life.

Q: I love my husband, and he loves me, but he's uninterested in sex, and we haven't had sex in more than two years. I love sex, and even though I love my husband, I'm fantasizing about finding a man on the side who can fulfill my needs. Am I a polysexual?

A: Not necessarily. At present you are looking for sex with one man who can give you what your husband isn't providing. Plenty of monosexuals are in your situation. How, though, are you going to find this sexual outlet? Sometimes a woman can find a monosexual man in a similar situation, and in that case they may have an exclusive monosexual relationship with each other for years. More commonly, especially if the man is a polysexual, the sexual relationship lasts for only a few weeks or months, for various reasons. If that turns out to be your experience, then you will either go back to your present non-sexual life or you will search for another sex partner. If you continue to search for "the one," even if you have several partners, you may well be monosexual. If you find that you rather enjoy the excitement of meeting new men, exploring with them, enjoying them and being enjoyed in return, and if you find that you are getting tired of them and looking for more variety, you may turn out to be a polysexual. Sometimes a polysexual orientation is repressed in various ways in childhood, adolescence, or thereafter, and only when people begin thinking in new ways and experimenting do they discover that they actually love a polysexual lifestyle.

Q: I'm not convinced that some people are polysexual by orientation. Aren't polysexuals actually people with an overdeveloped sex drive looking for an excuse to satisfy their unusually high urges?

A: Some polysexuals have high sex drives that lead them to desire sex daily, but there are also monogamous monosexuals who want sex several times a day, but only with their spouse. Other polysexuals may desire sex only weekly or monthly, yet still feel interested in having a variety of partners. Polysexuality is not explained by high sex drive.

Q: Ever since I was a boy I've enjoyed looking occasionally at the photos in Playboy and Penthouse, and for several years I've sometimes looked at pornography on the internet, but I've only had sex with my wife since I got married. Am I a polysexual?

A: Yes, you are probably a polysexual, even though you are non-practicing. This is sort of like being a non-practicing homosexual. While Jesus said that if you lust after a woman in your heart, it's the same as committing adultery with her (Matthew 5:27–28), there are actually some big differences. As a non-practicing polysexual, you aren't catching or spreading any diseases or getting anyone pregnant. You aren't jeopardizing your marital happiness as much as you would if you were an active polysexual. You know what you are, but perhaps no one else knows. You can't really change your polysexual orientation. At most, you can sometimes repress it to the point where you seldom think about it. Still, if you can live quite happily as a non-practicing polysexual, you can avoid a lot of risks and quite possibly a lot of unhappiness. Polysexuality can be exciting and fulfilling at best, but it is not without problems.

Q: I was twenty-six when I got married. I lost my virginity at seventeen with a boy I thought was going to marry me. I had sex with ten men before meeting my husband. I was always looking for Mr. Right, but the men seemed to primarily want sex. Now that I'm married, I have no interest in having sex with anyone but my husband. Given my past, am I a polysexual?

A: No, you are a monosexual, though we might call you a temporarily serial monosexual. While you had quite a few sexual partners, you did so only in your search for the right one for you, and if your first love had worked out, you wouldn't have searched elsewhere.

Q: My husband has talked to me about swinging. At first I was disgusted by the idea, and I was also afraid that I was about to lose him. However, I found myself thinking about the idea now and then, and it started to seem sort of exciting. I'm not sure I'd really want to have sex with another man, but it might be fun to have sex with my husband while another couple is doing it in the same room. When I'm feeling really naughty, I even imagine the other couple running their hands over me while my husband kisses me or makes love to me. Am I a polysexual?

A: A lot of people with a polysexual orientation don't realize it for many years because they aren't strongly polysexual or because they've been trained to be monosexual. What you are fantasizing about is called a soft swap or same room swinging. It can be exciting, and it can really perk up your sex life with your husband. Once you are in a situation where it's going on and you experience it a few times, you may decide to try other partners. There's no reason why you have to, though. Plenty of couples stick to soft swap for years, for various reasons, and are very happy with it. Don't let anyone force you beyond your comfort zone. On the other hand, don't be afraid to try something new. Bear in mind that all swinging couples occasionally end up with a couple that doesn't click with them. If your first experience is one of those, don't give up. If you do want to try this, you might try committing yourself to five or six tries before you give up on the idea. By then, you should have found at least one couple you like. If you continue to not like it, then perhaps you are monosexual after all, despite your fantasies.

Q: A few years ago I joined AdultFriendFinder, and I search it every day and write to women. I've managed to meet three women in that time, and I had sex with two of them—several times with one. Although I'm very excited when women return my messages and agree to meet, I grow increasingly apprehensive as I drive to the meeting site. I enjoy the sex, but afterwards I feel guilty and dirty. My wife doesn't know about this, and I'd hate for her to find out. My whole life's training tells me this is wrong. Am I a polysexual or not?

A: If you've spent several years searching for women on Adult Friend Finder, then you are a polysexual. Your feelings of guilt and defilement are due to the indoctrination into monosexuality you received in your youth. It may be that by learning more about polysexuality, you can come to realize that you are a polysexual by orientation, not by choice, and that the struggle you face in living a monosexual lifestyle is something that those with a monosexual orientation don't face. You may come to accept who you are. You may come to understand that you were influenced by monosexuals who didn't understand that there are other ways to approach sex. You may even get over your guilt. On the other hand, you might want to think about whether the sex you are getting from these women is worth the guilt you feel later? Weigh the pros and the cons, the people helped and the people hurt, then decide whether or not you are happier being a practicing polysexual or a non-practicing polysexual.

Q: I don't want to have sex with another man, but I sometimes fantasize about another woman joining with my husband and me. I'm not sure I want to kiss her, but I'd like to run my hands over her body and suck her breasts and have her do the same for me. Am I a polysexual?

A: Yes, you are probably polysexual in orientation. To be a bit more specific, we might say you are a bi-curious polysexual. Having a polysexual orientation does not mean that you necessarily want sex with someone of the opposite sex, and it does not mean that you are also interested in having same-sex partners. Some people with a homosexual orientation also have a polysexual orientation, and some don't. Some people with a polysexual orientation are open to bisexual exploration, and some definitely love both males and females (though perhaps not equally). Some women who share your fantasy end up finding the reality less interesting than they'd hoped. Probably more who live out the fantasy are delighted by the reality. Bear in mind that how a woman feels, tastes, and smells varies as much as how a man feels, tastes, and smells. If the first few women you experiment with don't fulfill your fantasies, don't give up. Also, as with men, some women are good lovers and others aren't. If your first woman is less than you'd dreamed, don't give up.

Q: I've had other partners before, but I really dislike the sordidness of getting a motel room, I dislike the seduction process, and I dislike the emphasis on being a sexual superstar and giving my partner lots of orgasms. Maybe I'm not a polysexual after all.

A: At some really good swing clubs, the emphasis is less on seduction and orgasms than on "playing"—laughing, hugging, kissing, stroking, licking, and sucking. Orgasmic dysfunction may be common at these clubs because people are sexually satiated, but this liberates people to relax and have fun. Perhaps this is where you belong. At its best, sex at a swing club can be very low pressure and lazy, and "playing" is really the best word for it.

Q: I think I'm a polysexual, but I've only had sex with my wife since I married her. I'm afraid that if I "tasted the forbidden fruit," I'd like it so much that I'd think about nothing else, and it might destroy my family.

A: This is definitely a possibility that should not be dismissed lightly. The polysexual lifestyle at its best is wonderful, but weigh the costs before you get into it. If your polysexuality is barely controllable, then perhaps you should be practicing. If you can control it, perhaps you'd do better to not risk it.

Q: My husband lost interest in me sexually six years ago, and for the past couple years he has had health problems that make sex impossible, even if he wanted to do it. However, we've shared more than twenty years, some of them happy, and I really do love him. But I'm only fifty-four, and I don't want to say goodbye to sex. I told him, "Look, if you aren't willing to satisfy me, even with toys or your mouth, I'm going out to get some." He laughed at me. I decided to go onto a sex site and try to find one good lover. I found plenty of lousy lovers, a few no-shows, and a few good ones. I also discovered, though, that when I found a really satisfying lover, I lost interest in him after five or six meetings. There seems to be something about the search that compels me, even though most of these lovers are less satisfying than the ones I leave behind. It seems pretty clear to me that I'm a polysexual.

A: Yes, I'd agree with you. It's taken you many years to realize it, but you are not looking for a new husband or for a deep love affair. You are finding that variety in lovers is more interesting than stability. Many people would call this wrong, but you are old enough to decide for yourself. You are fortunate that your husband understands that your search may have begun out of desperation, but is not a threat to the happiness and continuation of your marriage. More spouses should agree with each other that if one wishes to stop having sex, the marriage continues with love and companionship, but the other partner has permission to play, so long as he or she comes home again and is circumspect.

Q: I've been divorced twice. I always thought I was looking for a special guy who would keep me safe forever. Then a guy who'd been my boyfriend for three years convinced me to go to a swing club. We started out with same room sex, then started swapping. I was just going along to make him happy, but I discovered that I really loved it. I made lots of friends, and I really enjoyed spending just an hour with a guy or a couple I knew but wasn't going home with. Polysexuality is great. Now, though, for the first time in thirty years, I feel that I really don't want to have a man living in my house again. I love men, but I just don't need one in the house every night to feel like a real woman. Also, if I ever have another long-term boyfriend, he needs to love the club.

A: Polysexuals are happiest with other polysexuals, and many swing club members say that they've gradually disassociated themselves from their "vanilla" friends who aren't "in the lifestyle." Your own discovery about yourself is unusual, but psychologically liberating. And, of course, you can change your mind about having a man around if you want to.

Q: When I was in college, I fell in love with a sweet girl from Kansas. I took her virginity and she took mine when we were twenty-two (though I'd enjoyed seeing women in magazines for years). I thought we'd be each other's one and only. When she was a senior in law school and I was a senior in medical school, she dumped me for another law student. Later I married a nurse, and we were very happy, but things got old. We started watching pornography together, then with married friends, and somehow we ended up swinging. We've been doing it for nearly twenty years now, and we have six kids. We are very cheerful polysexuals.

A: It's great when a couple turns out to both be polysexuals and have a marital love that allows them to enjoy themselves without guilt and to share their adventures. It's hard to know how many couples are doing this, but quite possibly more than a million in the U.S. Of course, many are not as well-adjusted as you, and there are a variety of reasons why they decide to pursue their polysexual urges—some less healthy than yours.

Q: When I make love to my husband, often while he's inside me I imagine other men I know. Does that mean I'm a polysexual? Should I tell him?

A: If you are thinking about other men while having orgasms, then yes, you are probably a polysexual. There's quite a good chance that your husband is polysexual, too. If you've ever caught him admiring women in magazines or looking at internet pornography, he's probably a polysexual. If you want to confess that you think about other men because you feel guilty about it, bear in mind that it may make your husband feel bad to hear that you have to think about someone else, rather than about him. On the other hand, if you are interested in living out your fantasies, it's possible that he might be willing to give it a try.

Here's what you need to do. Ask him if he ever thinks about other women while he has sex with you. If he says no, it may be because he doesn't want to embarrass himself or make you feel bad. Push him a little. If he admits it, then admit that sometimes (note: sometimes) you do, too. Ask him if it turns him on when he thinks about other women while he's having sex with you. If he says yes, tell him that you don't think about other men all the time, but sometimes when they come to mind, it turns you on. Then ask him if it would turn him on if during sex you told him what you were fantasizing about. If he says yes, then you're nearly there. Once you are telling each other your fantasies, you know he's a polysexual, too, and he's not likely to be offended if you ask him if he'd be interested in making some of those fantasies come true.

Once you've admitted your polysexuality to each other and decided to work together on experiencing other people, then you are ready to enter into an exploration of polysexuality that can be deeply satisfying. Or, if this all seems too difficult, you can give him a copy of this for Valentine's Day. He'll get the hint.

Q: I'm pretty sure I'm a polysexual. I've only had sex with my wife, but I think about having sex with other women a lot, and I look at pornography about an hour a day on my office computer. This is complicated by the fact that I'm the pastor of a conservative church. What should I do?

A: You are definitely not alone. Probably close to a majority of pastors and priests are polysexuals, even though few are practicing. Many preachers (going all the way back to the Apostle Paul), have admitted that when they preach to their congregations, they are preaching to themselves, too. The famous pastor John Donne ("No man is an island") was a practicing polysexual before he was married. Martin Luther King, Jr. was also a practicing polysexual, according to the FBI, even though he must have known the risks.

And surely you know the risks, too. You are risking your job, your future, your savings, your wife, your family, your home, and your reputation. But you are still drawn to other women, whether on the computer or in real life. You are already well aware that it is getting increasingly difficult for you to preach against sins you yourself harbor in your heart. If you preach against them without admitting that you struggle with the same sins, you are a hypocrite. If you admit that you struggle with those sins, you could be out of work within hours. If you are found to be a practicing polysexual, you will almost certainly lose your job.

What can you do? Lots of people would say that the honorable thing to do would be to resign. Lots of pastors do. You can try to fight your polysexual orientation, repress it. This is sometimes possible through a process of self-denial. Put filters on your computer. Tell another pastor and get him to help you stay on the straight and narrow. Spend a lot of time helping others, praying, and singing hymns. The idea here is that if your mind is filled with something else and all your time is occupied, you can sometimes avoid thinking about your orientation. This is really a form of self-hypnosis. It does work, but it's hard to maintain.