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The Psychosis of Submission

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"I don't really understand how something that happened in high school can have anything to do with the way I'm feeling now?" Karen said while laying on the comfortable leather couch. She was slim and fit, her clothing was stylish and polished, and her brown hair was pulled back tightly and pinned out of the way. At twenty nine, she was a college graduate, enjoyed a successful career, and had a fiancee who adored her. Yet, despite it all, she felt depressed. Disconnected. It didn't make sense. She had achieved almost everything that should have brought about happiness, yet she still felt empty inside. Incomplete.

"So it makes you uncomfortable to talk about something that happened in high school? Even after all this time? Do you think that's normal?" Dr. Livingston said. The psychologist was forty-three, had blonde, well-styled hair, glasses, and was fond of pencil cut skirts and expensive shoes. She had a voice like honey. "Will you at least admit that?"

Karen examined what the psychologist said. Yes, just like always she had to admit the woman was right on all accounts.

"It makes me uncomfortable. I can't explain it." Karen said as she unconsciously slid further into the safety of the leather couch. She had no idea how the topic of her senior year in high school came up, since she usually avoided it like the plague. "But still, I just don't see how it has any bearing now after all this time. But if you insist. I'll- I'll tell you what happened."

"I don't insist," Dr. Livingston said. "If you don't feel comfortable telling it, you don't have to. You'll know when you are far enough along."

Karen did feel uncomfortable. Dr. Livingston had hit the nail on the head. Karen had done her best to forget that year. Yet, now that it had been identified, she couldn't very well not tell it either. That would be admitting that it was the source of her problems. And it wasn't. Besides, it was so very long ago.

Ages...

It all started back at a party in high school. It was at Susan's house. Susan's parents were rich and she was popular. A cheerleader.

Well, I was with my best friend Jenny...I guess you could call us nerds, but maybe that is too strong a term. We weren't really nerds. We just weren't ...popular.

But, anyway, Susan invited us to her party. That in itself was unexpected, since we were never invited anywhere. Of course, we were both very excited. Thrilled because it was our first after school party. We thought maybe, maybe this is the turning point. Maybe we were on our way to becoming popular. Having boyfriends. That sort of thing.

And it did end up being a turning point. Just not like I planned.

There was some drinking going on at the party. Of course, I didn't partake. To be honest we weren't even supposed to be there, we both sort of lied to our parents and said we were researching at the library.

Things were uneventful for quite sometime. I sipped on a Pepsi, while Jenny did then same....only she was eating these little cups of jello that were sitting on a table like they were going out of style. Susan saw us standing against the wall in the living room and invited to the dining room to play a game with them.

The game was spin the bottle.

Jenny said sure and pulled me by the hand. I wasn't so sure it was such a good idea. The more I thought about it, the more I was sure we shouldn't play. We weren't ready yet. We didn't belong there. Not like these other confident and laughing girls.

While they laughed, butterflies fluttered in my stomach. My heart was pounding in my chest like a race horse. Pounding the whole time. Lisa spun first. The bottle landed on her boyfriend. They frenched. I felt...I felt like some sort of voyeur watching them. Seeing their tongues move into each other's mouths. Don't get me wrong, I had dreamt of doing this with a boy for quite some time. Had read trashy romance novels of the very thing. Though I was still scared, a new feeling began to blossom in my chest. Hope.

Could it be that my dreams were to become reality? Even so, I wasn't sure I was ready.

I started to sweat. The boys around the table were hunks. Dreamy. They played on the football team and the tennis team. My God, and there I was - a nobody.

Until now, because this nobody was going to kiss one of them. I was thrilled and terrified at the same time.

What if I did it wrong? If I kissed too much would he get the wrong idea? If I didn't kiss enough, would he think me a wet fish?

It turned out I didn't have to worry about that at all.

It was my turn. With shaking fingers, I took the bottle and gave it a twist. I looked across the table and saw David., Pretty blonde David with his wavy hair and dimpled chin. Hunky David. I gave a silent prayer. Please let it be David. I willed it to stop on him. The bottle went round and round making a grating sound on the shiny tabletop.

So fast it spun. So long too. It didn't seem to go on as long for everyone else. Now time positively slowed as the bottle continued to make its rounds. Slower and slower. My heart thumped. Boom-boom-boom like a bass drum. I wondered why no one could here it.

The bottle kept going. It passed David...then me...slowed on Jenny...then finally came to a rest.

It stopped on Susan. The felt my cheeks burn. Susan stuck out her tongue luridly and wiggled it at me.

"Come here and give me a kiss girly," she said.

Dear God. What had I gotten myself into. I reached for the bottle again.

"Ah-ah-ah," Lisa said shaking a scolding finger. "If you want to spin again you have to take off something first. Both of you."

I took off my shoe and put it on the table.

"No, shoes and socks count as one article," Lisa smiled. "You too Susan."

"But I didn't say no," Susan said. Grumbling she took off her flip-flops and put them on the table. I felt pressured into doing the same. After all, I was the one who said no. Still, I determined that soon - very soon I would find an excuse to stop playing this game. After I kissed David.

I spun again. This time my heart was pounding even more. My vision throbbed every time it hammered in my chest.

David would be okay. But so would Tony or Brian. The bottle slowed. Slower and slower. It was going to point at me. Maybe I could stop then? I surely couldn't kiss myself. But then slowly ever so slowly it kept going. Further and further. I felt an impending sense of dread. I tried to nudge it, to help it along with my mind. All to no avail. It landed on my very best friend. Jenny.

"Kiss-kiss-kiss," those gathered at the table urged. Then it wasn't just the table watching, but those in the living room as well.

My shirt would be next to go. But, it was only Jennifer. We drank and ate after one another. If I couldn't kiss her, who could I kiss?"

She was already taking her shoes off.

"Jenny," I said. "Wait. I-I - it's only your shoes, but I'm - I'm in real trouble here."

"Sorry charlie," she shrugged, then picked up a cup of jello and popped it in her mouth. "Mmmmm - I sure like this jello!"

Her voice was slow. Her eyes droopy. I took one of the cups of jello and sniffed it. Alcohol! Didn't she realize it had been spiked?

"I don't want to play anymore," I said feeling betrayed by my so-called best friend. "I quit."

"Tough nookie said the cookie," Lisa smirked. "If you spin it and it lands on you, you can quit. Or you can find someone else to take your place."

"Anyone want to play?" I asked around, my face red with humiliation that I'd only lasted one spin. "Anyone at all?" There were no takers.

I had no choice. I took off my sweater. I wish I could go back. Wish I could have been stronger , and had just taken off my sweater and tossed it in. That's how one of the other girls did it later. But, I went slowly. Awkwardly. My cheeks burned. I'm convinced the girls sensed my fear. My weakness. They smelled blood and pounced on it.

"Look how skinny she is. You can see her ribs. How pasty white. And her bra. It looks old.. and cheap. Besides, I think there is more bra than anything for it to support."

God it was awful. The guys were there. The hunks heard every derogatory comment the haggle of harpies made. Even David. And he didn't defend me. Not once.

It took everything I had not to cry. I looked back to where I had stood against the wall. The wall provided safety. No one could sneak up on you with your back against wall. Oh how I wanted to be back there...just another wallflower to ignore.

"Don't mind them...spin again," Lisa said.

"My hand shook visibly. If fumbled with the bottle. Almost knocking it from the table. I said a silent prayer and gave it another spin.

Immediately, I wished I hadn't spun so hard. Wished I could have just gotten it over with instead of watching it spin round and round. Round and round. The grating sound...rowr...rowr...rowr..as it spun. Making me grow more and more scared, until finally it came to a stop. What were the odds? One in a hundred - a million? It landed on Jenny again.

"She really wants to kiss you Jenny," Susan laughed.

"Please Jenny," I whispered. But she was already reaching for her shirt. "Don't make me take anymore off. I'm begging you. It's - it's just a kiss."

"Well....okay," she said. "I guess so." She ate another jello shot.

"Jenny, the jello is spiked...with alcohol. You should stop," I warned her, as I tried moving the tiny cups of jello out of her reach, but the other girls just laughed and sent some more her way just as fast as I could take them away.

Jenny turned her head. She closed her eyes. Puckered up. She was obviously intoxicated.

I too puckered my lips. I moved in close. Touched mine to hers. Kissed her.

They booed around the table. I could hear Lisa saying to take off my bra. That it wasn't a kiss. Not a kiss at all.

"I'm not finished," I whispered, my cheeks burning with shame. God, could I do this? Could I? I would take off my pants before the bra anyway. But I didn't want to lose either. I kissed her then. Kissed my best friend. It wasn't a sweet kiss. Or chaste like the sort that friends give each other. I thought back to how Lisa had kissed Tony. I put my tongue in her mouth. I frenched her. My first french kiss ever was with a girl. With my very best friend. My cheeks burned crimson. I tasted orange and vodka from the jello shots she had been consuming. And she was so drunk she didn't even care. Just sat there with a stupid smile on her lips, wiping her mouth off with the back of her hand after, and slurping down another jello shot.

Jenny took her turn next. Just reached out and spun the bottle. Knocked over a bag a pretzels to the floor and didn't even realize it. She pointed to David. A drunken digit leveled in his direction. She puckered her lip at him. Those odds. Those same odds that had killed me three times in a row. One in six. But to just point at David? To know in her drunken state that it would stop on him?

And then, guess what? It happened. When the bottle stopped, it was pointing right at him. And then Jenny. Drunk Jenny. My best friend Jenny. Swallowed another Jello shot and slid out of her chair. A big smile plastered on her face, and her...just as big a geek as me. Another girl who had never been kissed. Unless you count mine from moments ago. She sat down in David's lap. She took his head in her hands and planted one on him. I mean literally tried to see how far she could stick her tongue down his throat. Kissed him for what seemed like 5 minutes.

David - my David. Worse, he didn't seem to mind her precociousness one bit. Didn't even look at me after. Just looked at Jenny...seeing her as if for the first time, even though we'd been to school together since the 6th grade. He even grabbed her ass as she stumbled back to her chair.

"That's going to be a hard one to top," Susan said. Then gave the bottle a spin.

Then it slowed. Time seemed to stand still. It landed on me.

"I don't want to kiss you now." she said, and started with her shirt.

"Wait," I begged.

And then she made me beg even more. Begged to kiss her. Made me say that I wanted to. That she was pretty. With ice cream and cherries on top.

Yet after making me humiliate myself, in the end she still took off her shirt. Took it off with confidence. Took it off and tossed it on the table. Didn't even cross her arms over her well endowed chest.

My turn. I reached underneath the table. I was covered in sweat. I could feel the blood pound in my temples. I unbuttoned my jeans and slid down the zip. I swear the sound echoed throughout the room and even drowned out the music, because it seemed like all of a sudden that every eye was on me. I refused to look up, as I managed to shimmy out of them down while remaining seated and put them on the table.

Susan smiled at me wickedly. "You better hope I don't get you again," she said, and gave it another spin. Thankfully, it didn't land on me this time. It was Tony she was to kiss. She smiled and kissed him like Jenny had kissed David. Only slapping Tony's hand when he tried to cop a feel.

The bottle was spun again and again. I had given up hope on kissing David. I only knew one thing, no matter who spun it, I didn't want it to land on me. Especially now, because the kisses where getting steamier and steamier. Worse, if I refused or they refused, I would be baring parts of my body that I wanted to keep covered. I wanted to go home. But I couldn't go without Jenny and she seemed in no hurry to leave.

It was my turn again. I gave the bottle a spin. Please land on me. Please land on me. But it didn't. It landed on Jenny once again.

"Goodie," she slurred seeing the bottle land in her direction. "Who spun the bottle? Was it you Davie?"

"Yes it was David," I lied. She was so drunk I couldn't take the chance with only my bra and panties remaining. She had already turned me down once before. "Now, close your eyes."

She giggled and crooked her finger at David. She was so drunk she had no idea. "Come and kiss me baby," she slurred. "This time, I've got a surprise for you."

She turned, and tilted her head up, a big smile painted on her plump lips. I felt guilty for lying to her. But it couldn't be helped. I couldn't risk a refusal. I stood up and moved close again. Touched my lips to hers. From experience I knew that I had to really kiss her, just like I did before. I tasted lime and vodka. I stuck my tongue into her mouth. Only this time, Jenny kissed me back. Her tongue danced with my own. She nibbled my lip. She sucked on my tongue. And then, I still shudder to think about it, she took my hand in her own and pushed it beneath her sweater. I tried to pull away, but she held it there - pushed it up under her bra.

My formerly shy best friend held my hand to her breast in hopes that I would grope her.

And the kiss - it went on and on. It felt like hours. I could feel her nipple harden beneath my hand. Like a hard little nubbin. But it wasn't for me, it was supposed to have been David. I was the intruder. With blood pounding in my ears. My knees felt weak. I blushed, humiliated as I heard a collective 'wooooooo' from around the table. Then it was finally over. I sat back down in my chair leaving Jenny, eyes still closed, with a contented look on her face. I realized I was staring and quickly looked away.

"Did you enjoy it?"

"What?" I had forgotten where I was. And who I was talking to.

"The kiss," Dr. Livingston said. "Did you enjoy kissing your friend."

"Of course not," I said. "I betrayed her trust. I lied to her. Not only that, but it was so humiliating kissing her in front of all those leering people."

"You describe it quite well," Dr. Livingston said. "It seemed to make an impression on you. But please continue."

I didn't like where Dr. Livingston was going with her question, so it was a struggle to continue. Because it got much worse after that. I was afraid the others would tell her that I was the one who had kissed her and not David. Looking back, I wish they had. Instead, they teased her and through her...me.

"How was the kiss Jenny?" Susan teased. "Was it better than the other?"

"Yes," Jenny giggled. "It was the best kiss ever. And Davie...did you like my surprise?" She ran her tongue over her lips and gave him a sly wink. Then she pulled her sweater taunt, exposing her hard nipples.

"I sure did," David laughed. "I can't wait for you to surprise me again."

"It's your turn," I told Jenny. Hoping to get this horrible game over with.

"No it isn't. Davie just spun," Jenny slurred. "Now it's your turn Karen."

"I just...." Damn. My lie had blown up in my face. But, I could lie again. She was drunk and would never know. "You're wrong Jenny. I went right after David while you were busy talking."

"No," Lisa said. "Jenny's right. David just spun. After all, she just kissed him. So there you have it. It's your turn Karen. Isn't that right everyone?"

They all agreed. I could feel my face flush and burn. I had to spin again. The lie...the betrayal...it had done me no good at all. I gave it a turn. Please land on me. Please land on me. Let this be over. I prayed. It wasn't even close. It was Susan again. How could it happen? What were the odds? Double damn.

"Do you want to kiss me Karen?" Susan teased. "I bet you want to kiss me something awful."

My face burned. "Yes." But I didn't. I just couldn't bare to lose any more of my clothes. Still, she made me beg again, pretty please, with ice cream and cherries on top. I did it knowing full well she would tell me no again. Yet she surprised me. She said yes.

"What are you waiting for?" she said as she stood up waiting for me.

I didn't like Susan. For good reason. She had a mean streak. And right now that streak was directed at me - even though I had done nothing wrong. But at least she was going to let me kiss her. I wondered if she was doing it as a favor to me, or so she wouldn't have to take off her skirt.

God it was so embarrassing having to stand up. I had nothing on but my bra and panties. I knew my breasts weren't as nice as the other girls. I knew I didn't look as pretty. I walked over to her chair as quickly as possible before the derogatory comments could start. Susan turned her head. I turned mine. Our lips touched.

I snuck my tongue into her mouth. It tasted of cigarettes. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined. Her hands moved along my back and shoulders. I was content to be close to her as it exposed less of my body to onlooking eyes. Finally the kiss was over.

I moved to pull away, but to my horror, found that she had managed to undo my bra. I gave an shriek and quickly pressed my body tightly against hers to keep from being humiliated even further.

"If you want to keep the bra," she whispered. "You have to kiss me at least as good as you kissed your slutty little friend."

The bitch! She was holding me hostage. Damn it. There was no help for it. I didn't really think I had kissed Jenny all that well. After all, it was she who had been the aggressor.

"I'm going to ask you to do something," Dr. Livingston said getting up from her seat. "You can say no at any time. I just want to explore this a bit. Are you wearing hose? No it doesn't look to be the case. I want you to sit down in this chair here in front of me."

This was highly unusual. Since our first session over a year ago, she'd always stayed in her chair while I lay down on the couch.

This time, she rolled an office chair from behind her desk over in front of her soft leather chair. I sat down in it trying to keep an open mind. Even though it wasn't as comfortable as the soft couch I was laying on before, and now I was forced to look at her directly while I talked.

"Very good," she said. "Now I want you to hook your legs over the arm rests."

"Excuse me?" I couldn't believe what she was asking. I wondered at the point. Mainly in whether she was asking me to do this for professional reasons.

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