How To Fit A Starter Motor

Here's how to change a starter motor on a car.

Have a cigarette. And a coffee.

Step outside and look at the car. Adopt a daunted expression.

Pop the bonnet of the car. The bonnet is situated where the hood should be if the car was situated several thousand miles west. ;)

Glance under the bonnet at the engine. Adopt an EVEN more daunted expression. These expressions only work correctly if the degree of daunt exceeds 80%.

Have a cigarette. Coffee optional.

Fetch the toolbox and open it. Remove the terminals from the battery and lift the battery off. Take the car battery indoors and put on charge.

Swear when you realise that a 13mm spanner is to big..... the 11mm spanner is too small and you don't have a 12mm spanner. Swear again... whilst smoking another cigarette.

Pop next door and borrow summat to turn a little 12mm nut with. Make sure that Kim knows where the four wires go before removing them. Well..... just remove two of 'em for now.

Have a cigarette whilst Kim fetches the "spare" starter motor from the shed. She knew we had one even if I didn't!!!

Graze ya knuckles whilst trying to turn the nuts. This is most important. It helps when telling Asst. Mech. Kim about it later.

Slide under the car. Prepare yourself to be attacked by an Alsatian's tongue and push aforementioned pet away gently until he gets bored and finds summat else to do.

As you get comfortable under the car..... realise that the spanner you need is where the car battery fits..... and out of reach. Shout "Kim"!

Gratefully accept the socket thingy from Kim and try to ignore her giggles. And swear a bit more when ya bang your funny bone on the diff.

And.... as the nut comes off the bolt..... drop the spring washer in your hair. Although this is optional if I recall.

Get out from under the car. Try to do this without banging your head on the bull-bar. If this fails...... swear again and have a cigarette.

Extricate the loosened starter motor from the amazing tangle of fuel pipes, heater hoses, brake pipes and other assorted and as yet undefinable "bits" of the engine. Get it jammed a couple of times and realise that you have to unfasten the other two wires off it before it will come out.

Unfasten the two wires and lift the starter motor out. Compare the two starter motors. Swear when you realise that the one you were gonna fit has a terminal broken off it.

Adopt a VERY, VERY daunted expression. And wish that Santa had brought you a soldering iron last Xmas.

Have dinner....... with coffee and a cigarette. Preferably in that order.

Try and think of someone nearby with a soldering iron. Whilst thinking about this go into town and buy some terminals. And a new battery charger having finally realised that the one you're trying to charge the battery with - is buggered.

Put the car battery on charge with the new charger.

Suddenly remember that a washing machine engineer lives just down the street. Chuck the starter, a bit of wire and a terminal into a carrier bag and go down to see him. Find out that he's out but he'll "get round to it as soon as he returns".

Go back 3 hours later to find that he's unable to solder a new terminal to it 'cos he's sold his big soldering iron and hasn't got a fine enough nozzle for his gas powered solder gun.

Think to yourself that he's a prize arsehole but don't tell him. You might need him to fix the washing machine in the future. ;)

Return home. Decide to take both starter motors to bits and make one good one out of the two junk ones.

Realise it's pitch dark outside and stop. Resolve to get up early in the morning to complete the task.

Get up early in the morning and refit the battery taking special care to ensure the terminals are fitted tightly.

Carefully twist and turn the starter motor through the tangle of "bits" until it slots into place. Insert top nut and bolt and tighten.

Slide under the car in the pouring rain and lie in the biggest puddle you can find. Realise that, although you have the correct socket in ya hand........ you've left the bolt inside the house.

Swear as you shuffle out from under the car..... getting even wetter. Meet Kim as you open the door with the two bolts in her hand and wish that you'd waited for a moment longer under the car. Damn!

Get back under the car...... and lie in a puddle. Fit the bottom nut and bolt and tighten carefully.

Listen whilst Kim points out a thick wire that is hanging down from "somewhere". Swear when she points out that the bolt you've just fitted should have the wire attached to it. Loosen bolt and include the wire in the assembly. Re-tighten.

Get oil in hair from the underneath of the gearbox.

Scramble out from under the car getting even wetter. Swear a bit more..... especially when she points out that it looks like you've shit yer self.

Ask Kim which way round the two thin wires should be attached to the little terminals. Refit them. Adopt less daunted look.

Reposition the other thick wire to the threaded terminal and finger-tighten. Position socket over nut and watch fucking great spark as metal ratchet-handle touches another metal part of the car about 4 inches (100mm) from ya nose. Jump back and nearly fall over the dog.

Remove leads from positive terminal of battery!!!

Continue to tighten terminal on starter motor but this time.... without the sparks!

Reconnect battery.

Get into the car and turn the ignition key. As car starts adopt a surprised look. A VERY VERY surprised look!!!

Relax. and leave Kim to put all the tools away! This is most important. After all..... she needs to feel that she did her part too!! Whilst you relax in a hot shower and try to warm up a bit.

Job done!