Got Any Toys?

Hi, hon-

Thanks for your question about whether I've got any toys. Well, fortunately or unfortunately, I've decided to give an honest answer.

Keep in mind that I'm married, don't cheat (unless cybersex counts), and have been living alone for way too long, so my opinions probably don't generalize to anyone else at all on Earth.

Also keep in mind that I'm hot and extremely cute for my age. I'd post photos, but after all this is the internet, plus I'm sure that you've got a perfectly good imagination.

So, here goes:

I'm going to throw away all my sex toys. Well almost all. I did already 6 months ago, but it's time again.

In my fantasy world, a hunky tattooed 22-year old sanitation engineer sees them and comes to the door to ask, "Ma'am, did you throw these out mistakenly?" while blushing and looking up shyly from under his long eyelashes. And he's on his breaktime.

Oh, and my husband has been hit by a truck in a totally unforeseeable and terrible accident that was nobody's fault and I was really sad for at least 10 years but have finally come to the realization that we had a very special love and that he'd want me to be happy while I'm alive on Earth. And preferably his loving and non-scary ghost comes to reassure me of that before disappearing forever to be one with the universe and totally unable to see what I'm doing in order to accomplish it.

Or maybe I'm the only girl who needs that kind of prelude to sexual fantasies. But I really doubt it. Pathetic, really.

In the real world I'm lucky if they don't publicly sue me for something embarrassing getting stuck in the garbage disposal truck mechanism.

OK, here's the deal. You'd think that sex toys would be expensive, difficult to purchase without deep misgivings, and tough to get rid of because of 1) fond memories, 2) anticipated future pleasures, and 3) disposal hassles. Nope, nope, and nope.

They are cheap (I'm talking under $10 for the careful shopper), you hardly ever want to try them more than twice (the first time to find out they suck, and the second time to confirm it), and you can buy them through amazon.com, which ships them in sealed x-ray-proof bags so that not even the person packing the box knows more than a serial number (although if I worked in the amazon.com sex-toy section, I'd definitely spend my days off memorizing the serial numbers of all the naughty stuff, just to keep myself entertained during work). A taped-shut shoebox in a garbage bag takes care of the disposal issue.

So...way too many sex toys. Most recently I paid $24 for a "luxury assortment" that had, well...lots of stuff.

Like...4 vibrators of all kinds, penis rings (useless to me), various kinds of lube, including something in a fancy box with a silk lining that claimed to be an ancient Japanese secret to g-spot orgasms (yeah, thanks...been there, done that...literally). And red fishnet stockings, a flesh-colored fishnet bodysuit, black fishnet gloves, and, perhaps most bizarre of all, 2 cartoon-illustrated "coupon books" which one is supposedly supposed to give to a significant other, and which promise all sorts of delightful-sounding activities that I personally would pay full price to be allowed to carry out.

Needless to say, most of it ended up in the trash. Look for the stockings at Halloween, though.

So...I guess your question was "tell me what works?"

Um, a kind, interesting, and uninhibited partner who thought I was the hottest thing since Szechuan, mmm, yup, that would work. I'm so fucking sick of DIY sex I could scream.

But, ok....I'll quit whining and focus on the fact that my deplorable personal circumstances have allowed me to be able to satisfy your curiosity. Lucky me. Whoo-hoo.

Oops, sorry.

I will tell you what doesn't work (for most other people, either, according to the amazon.com online reviews), and you can speculate from there:

-any kind of dildo. A penis without a guy attached? No fun whatsoever.

-any kind of insertable vibrator. They feel so fake as to make you feel like killing yourself. Maybe with a partner it's better. Or maybe having to use one with a partner really makes you suicidal.

-80% of those rabbit-shaped things. They are shaped in various ways. So are women. 20% of the time we sort of match up. Accent on the "sort of".

-anything that's genitally-focused but not a dildo or vibrator, like plastic ball-shaped thingies and stuff with feathers or fake fur. Right. A guy invented all that shit, I bet you.

Next time you're browsing the sex toys and wondering if they'd be as fun as they're supposed to be, take it from me...nearly always, the answer is going to be "no".

In Japan, there's a love hotel by the Tomei highway called "Hotel Seeds" (I am not making this up) that advertises "Creative Rooms". A reporter called them up and asked about it...and the manager said, "Actually, the rooms are just rooms. Customers need to supply their own creativity."

Same here...with the right attitude or the right partner, lots of things might be fun. Without, it's mainly just wiggly bits of plastic.

Maybe soon I'll order another "luxury assortment" and tell you what else doesn't work.

I know this violates a lot of long-cherished male fantasies, but, hey, you asked.

Hope this helps,

Kiss-kiss,

Me.