Transcript: Snoot v Snoot

Judge Watson:

"We are gathered here today for the deposition of Mrs. Charles Van Snoot in regards to a prenuptial agreement signed by both parties prior to their marriage January 1, 2009. Mr. Van Snoot has claimed a violation by Mrs. Van Snoot of said agreement and before the harsh penalties of the agreement are to be put in place, we have asked Mrs. Van Snoot here to allow her to testify in her defense."

In attendance:

Mrs. Charles Van Snoot

Mrs. Van Snoot's Attorney James 'Lucky' O'Riley

Mr. Van Snoot's Attorney Oliver Wendell House

His Honor Judge Clarence Watson, presiding

Transcript recorded by Miss Julia Bloom

Mr. House:

"I will briefly state Mr. Van Snoot's claim for the record. His assertion is that throughout this year, he has caught his bride being unfaithful to him on numerous occasions and that the prenuptial agreement she freely signed states that infidelity nullifies her right to any property upon dissolution of this marriage. Mrs. Van Snoot, my first question to you is, were you aware of said clause in the prenuptial you signed?"

Mrs. Van Snoot:

"Oh sure Charlie was all huffy about his little thingy, no your Honor not that little thingy, I mean his little prenup thingy."

Mr. House:

"My next query would then be on the matter of unfaithfulness, now remember you are under oath and required by law to tell the truth. How many acts of adultery have you committed in the year that you have been married to Mr. Van Snoot?"

Mrs. Van Snoot:

"Your Honor it depends on what you call cheating, you remember our wonderful President Clinton and what he said, 'Blow jobs aren't cheating'..."

Judge Watson:

"Please Mrs. Van Snoot we must have decorum here I am warning you to watch you language."

Mrs. Van Snoot:

"Your Honor you can call them what you want but like the president said, that ain't cheating. I have a tee shirt at home I guess I shoulda worn it today, it says in big letters on the chest (at this point Mrs. Van Snoot sticks out her enormous chest and draws her fingers across it) 'It ain't cheating if my husband's watching'. I can't tell you how many times I've let Charley hide in the closet to watch the pool boy and me. It's funny, when the pool boy leaves I always call to Charley, 'you can come out of the closet now' but he never gets the joke."

Mr. House:

"I see, well what have you to say about you and a Mr. Richard Miller on the evenings of..."

Mrs. Van Snoot:

"Now you just wait a minute, that's just anal, and everyone in this court room knows that anal ain't cheating. Ain't that right Judge?"

Judge Watson:

"I'm afraid I couldn't say Mrs. Van Snoot."

Mr. O'Riley:

"Your Honor you can plainly see, that by my client's definition of infidelity she has been faithful to her husband. Now Mrs. Van Snoot is there anything you would like to say about Mr. Van Snoot's part of the prenup agreement?"

Mrs. Van Snoot:

"Come on Lucky you know there is, Your Honor I have been cheated by my husband, before we married he promised me twelve inches of loving but I guess what he was talking about was making love with four inches three times..."

Mr. House:

"Your Honor, if I may interrupt; what my client said was twelve centimeters, not twelve inches."

Mrs. Van Snoot:

"He can call it what he wants to, it's still no foot long. Don't you see Judge, when I saw all that money and then he says he's got twelve inches I fell in love. I figured he's packing that much heat I'd be glad to sign that ol' prenup. You see Judge, he's the one who cheated, and he cheated me out of eight inches."

Judge Watson:

"At this time I feel a need to poll the interested parties off the record. Miss Bloom, you are excused until we recall you."

This transcript is closed at 11:15 AM.

This transcript is now reopened at 2:45 and all in attendance remain the same.

Judge Watson:

"(delete)Miss Bloom as you can see, Mrs. Van Snoot has had a small mishap with her dress, I wonder if you might take a minute and assist her in fixing this, oh you were taking transcribing this, well strike this from the record.(end delete)"

Judge Watson:

"After our informal poll, I feel I can render an appropriate opinion now and I have to say..."

Mr. House:

"I'm sorry your Honor but if I may interrupt you for an important addendum. My client is out in the hall and he would like to say a few words before you give your decision."

Judge Watson:

"This is highly irregular Mr. House, but as this whole deposition has been irregular I guess it can't hurt. Bailiff, show in Mr. Van Snoot and then swear him in."

Mr. House:

"Thank you your Honor, now Mr. Van Snoot what is it you want to say."

Mr. Van Snoot:

"Judge, this has all been a big mistake, I don't want to divorce Becky Sue I love her. Becky Sue I do love you..."

Mr. House:

"Mr. Van Snoot then why do you want to enforce your prenuptial agreement if you don't want a divorce?"

Mr. Van Snoot:

"I'm afraid Becky Sue is going to leave me and if she's going to break my heart I don't think she deserves my money"

Mrs. Van Snoot:

"Oh Charlie, you do love me, that makes me so happy. I thought you were kicking me out, as long as you don't measure your bank account by those little centimeter thingy's I couldn't leave you. (delete)Oh, and your Honor, I'm glad you liked my demonstration of no cheating sex(end delete)."

Judge Watson:

"Miss Bloom, strike that last sentence. Well now, it looks to me that both parties are happy with the status quo so I won't need to render my decision. This hearing is adjourned."