A Raven for My Thoughts

After multiple failures at finding a real relationship, I gave up on trying so hard. I had these flings that lasted for a week at most, but that's the most I could get out of the girls I liked. That was pretty much enough for me. When I finally got serious about my college classes, I decided I didn't have time for girls in general, not even flings. Yeah, I flirted with a girl or two, but in general, I didn't bother. Being a computer engineer gave me little time to do anything other than classwork.

Basically, my standard college day consisted of a lot of classes, 5 hours of homework and studying, and if I wasn't mentally dead after that, I would masturbate before sleep. Very exciting, right? Then, as these stories go, a girl comes along and turns the order into chaos.

I knew this girl from a class I had a year before. She was in my art appreciation class which was unfortunately mandatory. It was a class on understanding the basics of theory in theatre. Who knew there was so much theory in there? Anyway, it was boring to the point of torture. I wondered why I even showed up.. Oh yeah, it was that girl. Katyana was a gorgeous brunette. Her long hair flowed down just below her shoulder blades. She had dark brown eyes and a warm smile. She did wear a little too makeup, but I felt like she didn't need it. As far as her body went, it was the closest thing to perfect I had seen aside from the over-Photoshopped models in magazines. She obviously worked out because on the rare occasion where she wore something that showed off her legs, I saw that they were very well toned. I can't begin to count how many classes I spent imagining what she would look like naked.

On Facebook, we never chatted. At the time, I was the typical shy nerd who was afraid to put his abilities on show. If I were to give you one word to describe me, it would be modest. I wasn't exceptional at anything including looking good. I am almost 6 feet tall, around 170 pounds, had a bit of a gut from laziness, but I had recently started working out to get rid of that. The rest of my body was pretty standard, not fat, but not quite muscular either. I am East Indian, so I carry the typical Indian traits. Black hair, dark brown eyes, and brown skin was the standard thing for my race and I stayed true to that. Basically, I wasn't much of a fine physical specimen, and for the longest time, I let that hold me back. Because of that, I never considered myself "good enough" for her. This resulted in me having her on my friends list for an entire year before we finally chatted although I talked to her once outside the classroom when we both arrived early.

She happened to be the one to initiate the conversation. I guess she had seen some of my artwork in the university's gallery and noticed it on my Facebook page. At this point, I had gotten my shit together and I was a much more confident man. Regardless, I was still a little shy because she was so intimidating. Thankfully, our first conversation wasn't too awkward.

"Hey there," she said.

"Hey, what's up?" I responded.

"Nothing much. Stalking your Facebook. Couldn't help but notice your drawings."

"Oh yeah, those. I put them up some time back."

"I work in the Starbucks across the art gallery. I saw you walking into there."

I didn't read into anything she said. As I mentioned, I wasn't really looking for anyone, and I wasn't going to make an exception for her just because she was hot.

"Cool. So, what do you think of them?"

"Well, being an art student, I can't say I particularly like them."

"To each their own," I responded quickly.

"I LOVE them! I'm an art student and I've never seen drawings as realistic as that, not even from my teachers."

"Why thank you. They are pretty cool." I said, not pretending to be modest.

"What are you majoring in?"

"Computer engineering."

"Why the hell aren't you an artist?!"

"Well, computers are more fun and less abstract. I don't like abstract."

"That's too bad. I only date artists you know."

I don't know whether I felt stupid or if I finally grew balls, but my response surprised even me.

"That's too bad too, I don't date artists."

She didn't respond for a while so I logged off and started reducing the mountain of homework I had built up. My phone vibrated and I checked it. I had my Facebook set up to send me texts whenever anything important happened. Katyana sent me a message.

"Well, you called my bluff. I went to shout at my roommate for playing music too loud, by the time I came back, you were gone. I gotta leave again, but text me. Here's my number:" For obvious reasons, I'm not putting her number here.

I put it in my phone but didn't text her. I had a lot of work to get done. At around 11 at night, I finally finished the majority of my homework for the week. The other assignments were small and could be finished later on. I debated whether I should contact her at all. Unfortunately, the typical guy in me won over my smarter side and I texted her.

"Hey, this is me," I said, being purposely vague.

Her response came not too long after. "Who is me?"

"If you don't know who it is, you certainly give your number out to a lot of people."

"Ah, you. Well, what's up?"

"Just got done with homework. Yourself?"

I'll spare you the details of the rest of the conversation. I assure you it was all small talk until she asked if I wanted to hang out with her the next day. Naturally, I agreed. It was a Tuesday so I had three classes, but a big gap between the first and second class. After we made the arrangements, we bid farewell and goodnight, then I passed out from sheer exhaustion.

Alarms are the most dreaded thing in my mornings, and as usual, mine rudely woke me up from a good dream about me being able to fly. I went to my first class and withstood the torture with relatively little injury. I had completely forgot about hanging out with Katyana until she texted me. Not wanting to keep her waiting, I rushed to the Starbucks and arrived just when she was getting off work.

I hadn't seen her since that class so I had no idea who she was when she approached me. Her hair was considerably shorter and she was wearing a lot less makeup. She also had glasses now, stylish small ones that framed her eyes really well without hiding them. When she approached me and said, "Hi," in a cheery girly voice, I had no idea it was Katyana.

"Umm.. Hi.. Holy shit, Katyana!?"

"Call me Kat and that would be me. I'm guessing you haven't seen my recent pictures on Facebook."

"I don't stalk Facebook profiles as much as you do."

"Touché sir. Well, are we going to stand around being awkward or are we going to get some coffee?"

I just nodded and she walked towards the counter where she was serving customers just minutes ago.

"The usual for me, and whatever Mr. Artist wants. Put it on my account."

I was about to protest, but I figured if she wanted to pay for my stuff, I might as well let her. In my defense, I ordered something cheap so that I didn't seem like too much of an asshole.

While waiting for our drinks, I looked at her.. More like stared really. She looked about the same as when I last saw her so it was hard to put a finger on what made it so hard for me to recognize her at first. Maybe it was because her personality in general seemed to have changed. In the one class I had with her, she was very quiet. When she greeted me, her personality was bubbly, full of life, and so unlike the reticent beauty I knew in Understanding Theatre. Whatever the change was, physically or mentally, it took nothing away from her attractiveness.

She was wearing an all-black uniform. Her button-down shirt hugged her figure but hid a lot of it. Her black pants on the other hand did little to hide her figure. She was facing away from me so I had the opportunity to "observe" how her hips flared out. Her butt tight, round, and proportionate to the rest of her body. Its perfection was unnatural and jaw-dropping. I almost couldn't look away before she turned around.

"Drinks are ready. Find a place to sit. I'll follow you."

I did as I was told and found two seats in the TV/social lounge just around the corner. She followed behind me and I heard her scoff.

"You could've at least found a more secluded area," she said, both drinks in hand.

"Don't want to be seen with me in public?" I asked, a little perturbed.

"No, I just want to be away from people. I just want to be around just person," she said with a warm smile. I noticed that her voice had lost the girly charm and sounded more mature, more womanly. She spoke smoothly in a low feminine voice. It was utterly seductive and it was hard not to be not even a little turned on by her voice alone.

"Fine then, give me the drinks and you choose a spot."

She gladly gave me the drinks and led me outside. The sun was out but it was cool. She chose a tree and sat down by the base. I handed her the drink and sat opposite her. She took the drink, put it beside her, and closed her eyes, enjoying the cool weather.

"You call me all the way out here and fall asleep?"

"Nah," she said, "Just giving you an opportunity to look at me without being shy." After she said that, she opened her eyes and slowly turned her head to face me. I didn't like the way she was keeping me on my back feet like that.

"I don't get shy," I replied with confidence, "A product of my environment."

"Really? So why do you look away whenever I turn to you?" She smiled coyly.

"Not shyness, decency," I said and looked her straight in the eye. I carried on looking until she looked away.

"Well, 'a rose by any other name.'"

"Shakespeare fan?"

"Nah, I don't give a crap about his work. I just collect quotes to seem intelligent." She said all this with a seemingly unwavering confidence.

"That's a strange thing to admit to me."

She smiled and closed her eyes again. On my back feet again, I felt fairly uncomfortable but I decided to drop the topic. I laid back and took in the cool breeze. Conversation after that was sparse from then on, but it wasn't very awkward. I skipped my next two classes because, as much as I hate to admit it, I was really enjoying my time with her. She even skipped her Italian class, so she obviously was interested in me. We ended up spending 5 hours together. I even walked her to my apartment to show her my artwork. Thankfully it wasn't too much of a mess. We listened to music for another hour until she announced that she had to leave to go to pottery class. With great reluctance, we said our farewells and I watched her walk away.

I couldn't help but get rid of my vow not to care about girls that semester. Kat certainly had my interest locked, and I don't think anyone could blame her. It's not very often that a girl like her shows interest in me. I had a slightly bad feeling about her, so I promised myself that I wouldn't invest too much in her.

After finishing my homework and reading over what I missed in class, I went to sleep, exhausted as usual. This time, though, I had an extra emotional burden which made my sleep restless.

*^*^*^*^*

I was woken in the morning by a text from Kat. Apparently she was an early waker, which would be an issue if we got together. Jokes aside, she wanted to hang out again. I told her straight up I couldn't see her until Friday because I was way too busy. It wasn't an excuse (Why would I make an excuse not to see her?), I was very busy with studying for an exam I had on Friday evening. So, that's what I did for the rest of the week. I studied continuously until the exam, aced it, then went to my apartment for a well-needed stiff drink. Kat texted me right after I got my whiskey out. I told her to just come over and drink with me. She wasn't opposed to it at all.

She arrived not too long after she texted me wearing a cute summer dress with thin straps that showed off her sexy shoulders and neckline. Her walk was elegant and effortless, and, being a very nasal guy (Insert big nose joke here), I couldn't help but notice her sweet vanilla perfume. It made her delicious, and quite honestly I wanted to eat her up.. Or maybe just certain parts of her. If you know anything about my choice in women, how they smell is almost as important as how they look.

I invited her into my room for a movie. I asked her if she was going to drink and she happily agreed. I turned around to start up my computer and log in. By the time I turned around, she was foraging in my room.

"Better be careful searching around my room, what you find might scare you," I said only slightly concerned. All my porn was in my computer.

"Nothing scares me. Where are your glasses? I see the whiskey, I see the cola, now where are the glasses?"

"Well, we pour some whiskey into our mouth, pour some Coke in, gargle, and swallow. That's how things are done in here."

She slapped my shoulder playfully. "Wish you were as funny as you thought you were, I would actually be laughing."

"That was a little uncalled for. Oh well, sticks and stones and art students." I said and smiled. "They're in that drawer on the left. Go ahead and mix the drinks. I'm gonna set up the sound system."

After she mixed the drinks, she sat next to me on the bed and handed me my drink. It didn't take long for me to realize that it was way too stiff. I could've sworn it was pretty much neat. I took a sip and she looked at my grimace and giggled.

"Too strong for ya?"

"I'm not afraid to admit, but yes, it is way too strong. I didn't know you're an alcoholic."

"Well, now you do. Now come on, if a little girl like me can handle it, I'm sure you can."

I decided to be less manly and dilute it more. Being drunk around a girl I barely knew wasn't part of my plan for the night. She shook her head at me, but I wasn't perturbed. She carried on drinking her almost-straight whiskey.

Throughout the movie we were pretty cheerful and barely paid attention to the movie itself. I'm sure the alcohol helped loosen our inhibitions a little because soon we were poking each other playfully and she continuously tried to tickle me once she found out I was really ticklish. To my delight, I got to squeeze her to stop her from poking me. She seemed so delicate yet I could feel hard, toned muscles under her dress and soft skin. Also, she had quite a bit of fight in her and it was pretty hard to keep her down. It was also very hard to not pay attention to her dress which was continuously riding up whenever she struggled against me. I caught very brief peeks at her black panties and consequently got quite aroused. I was hoping she wasn't just teasing me because my excitement was at a very uncomfortable level.

Finally we got tired and lay back on the bed, panting and very tipsy. We looked over at each other, and I swear that we were going to kiss. Then, I found out that she was a tease.

"Well, it's getting late and I think I should get going," she said. I tried not to show my disappointment or annoyance. She stood up and stumbled to the door. What I did next was strictly for her safety (It was actually my drunken justification. We all have moments we are not proud of).

"I think you've had way too much to drive home. I won't let you leave until you're sober enough," I said.

"Nice moves, but I'm not sleeping with you tonight sir."

"I'm not sleeping with you either. I'll take the couch in the living room, you can sleep on my bed. I promise you there's nothing too dirty in there."

She smiled and cocked her head. "I hate reasonable people. They're so-"

"Reasonable?"

"Fine fine, I'll stay, but don't try any funny stuff."

"I'll only try if you want me to," I said mockingly.

"I won't want you to. I guess since I'm staying, we can continue drinking."

"Yes, but please make the drinks weaker. I feel like I'm going to run out of whiskey soon."

She picked up the bottle and shook it. "Nope, we have a lot left, but, I will make it weaker so that your pansy ass can handle it." I didn't bother arguing with her.

Secretly, I was wondering and hoping if anything physical would happen with her tonight. As morally objected as I was to taking advantage of intoxicated girls, if I was intoxicated myself, my morality was more subdued. Regardless, I wasn't going to force her to do anything, but I wasn't going to turn her down if her clouded judgment made her do anything sexual to me.

This time, the drinks were definitely less strong. After the first two drinks, I was ready to have something weaker. My stomach was never good at handling very concentrated alcohol, and the last thing I wanted to do was throw up when I had a gorgeous girl in my room.

We sat on my bed, both of us cross-legged next to each other (She had skillfully bunched her skirt up at her crotch to hide everything). It was quiet for a while, neither of us talked. Then, she asked, "Have you got shorts and a shirt I can wear? I feel a little naked in this dress."

"Sure do." I awkwardly got up and pulled out a pair of basketball shorts and a shirt for her. I tossed them to her and she got up with equal awkwardness because she was trying to avoid letting me see up her skirt. When she came back from the bathroom, she was wearing my clothes and was holding hers in a bundle. She put them on the floor and sat down on the bed again. When I glanced down at the bundle, I noticed that her bra was in there. I think you know what was going through my mind at that point.

I put on some music, a random playlist containing the most random music (Who puts Avenged Sevenfold and Regina Spektor into the same playlist?), and put the volume relatively low. Then, I got back onto the bed with her, sitting as close to her as I thought she felt comfortable with. Our knees were touching and I could smell her perfume in perfect clarity. We took a good gulp of our drinks together then looked at each other.

"Why are you here?" I asked, completely out of the blue. I didn't even get to register what I asked before I added, "Why do you hang out with me?"

"Well, I'm here because you asked me to come here, and as to why I hang out with you, I really don't know. You.. Well, you're you." Her answer pissed me off. I really hated answers that answered nothing. I stayed quiet for a while until she asked, "Why so quiet?"

"Thinking."

"About what?" Could she be so blind and stupid?

"Nothing, don't worry about it."

"What's that on your arm?" She pointed to a scar on my left wrist.

"A dose of stupidity," I answered vaguely. Truth is, I had attempted suicide a year ago. The scar unfortunately never faded.

"I've had a few of those." She lifted her shirt a little and I noticed a tattoo just below and to the right of her belly button.

"A tattoo isn't too stupid."

"Not the tattoo, it's what's under it that's stupid. My second boyfriend carved his initials into there and stabbed my arm. Also, this." She showed me a scar on her left wrist. "I tried to kill myself after that." I took her hand in mine and put my other arm around her and pulled her close to me. "Why I hang out with you? Well, I saw that scar the very first day we talked some time back. I didn't bother with it until I saw your work in the art gallery. I was just curious about you, but now-"

"So just liked my art so you decided to ta-"

"I like you."

Needless to say, I was thoroughly stunned. I knew she had interest in me, but this was just unexpected. She studied my reaction.

"Well.. Okay," I said. I wanted to reciprocate really bad, but I was quite badly intoxicated and the only reason I really liked her at the time was because I was horny and she was hot. I held off on telling her anything more.

"That's it?" She backed away from me. "You're really good with words," she said as she unwrapped herself from my arm. "I'm sleepy. Mind if I go to sleep?"