Fifty Shades of Gay

Leila and I both started reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Although some of the scenes were definitely erotic, we found the story a bit lame and the characters rather superficial. Indeed we found ourselves increasingly amused by some of the writing. I was thus inspired to write the spoof below. Leila loved it -- I hope you do to!

*

'Come on girl, get a grip.'
Doctor Leila Lispasia steeled herself and clutched her black medical bag a little tighter. She remonstrated sternly with herself - there really was no need to feel like a virgin on a first date. In any case everything she had heard or read about the famous Nathan Buggersworth made her wince with disapproval. Rich beyond belief, impossibly good looking, a string of glamorous blondes testified to the most deviant sexual preferences. She knew she would hate him with a passion. As she rang the doorbell to the impressive, yet understated, terraced house in South West London she steeled herself with every ounce of professionalism her training had given her.

The door swung open to reveal a woman who by any stretch of the imagination could only be described as stout. Very stout. Extremely stout. Leila was surprised and found herself blushing. Stout Woman regarded her dispassionately with beady black eyes, pinpoints of disdain in a slavic face. Even though it was high summer the woman wore heavy cloth in unremitting black. Gathering herself, Leila thrust out a delicate hand.

'Dr Lispasia. About Mr Buggersworth's bowel complaint?'

Stout Woman stared at her for a moment or two, no signs of comprehension in that fleshy deadpan face until finally she spoke, her accent thick and unwelcoming.

'Osskipper'

Leila blushed even more furiously, failing to understand.

'Horse keeper?' she enquired as politely as she dared.

Stout Woman shook her head emphatically and raised her hands which Leila noted for the first time were adorned with bright yellow plastic gloves.

'Osskipper.'

Leila's quick mind groped for a moment then realisation dawned.

'Ahhhhh you must be Mr Buggersworth's housekeeper?'

Stout Woman nodded vigorously and stood aside to allow Leila to enter the short hallway. Leila took in the exquisite oak flooring, the antique clock already chiming the quarter hour and the three twee ceramic monkeys on the shelf, one with his hands over his eyes, one over his ears and holy cow that's strange! The third monkey had his hand wrapped around a monstrously erect monkey penis and was grinning manically. Leila blushed heavily and averted her eyes. Stout Woman was motioning her to pass through into what appeared to be a reception area. But before she could do so an even stouter woman of equally Slavic countenance appeared in the doorway, almost entirely blocking what little light there was in the crowded hallway. The grinning monkey receded thankfully into the dark.

'Erm', ventured Leila rather hesitantly, 'Mr Buggersworth's other housekeeper?'

What was it with all the Stouts? Did Mr Buggersworth have a thing for Stouts? But what about all those glamorous blondes mentioned in the extensive media coverage? Or was there some more sinister explanation? 'Perhaps', mused Leila beneath her proud and sensual eyebrows, 'perhaps these were trained bodyguards scooped from some spartan East European secret service following the fall of the Berlin Wall?'

'Niet,' said the Monolithic Stout. Leila wasn't sure whether the denial related to her polite confusion over domestic status or whether somehow Mrs Monolithic had been reading her thoughts. Leila's delicate nostrils detected a sour scent of body odour and fought the urge to wrinkle her seriously cute and sexy nose. She blushed again and held up her medical bag in search of some kind of primal gesture of recognition.

'Mr Buggersworth's bowel complaint?' she essayed again.

A gleam of understanding flashed momentarily in Mrs Monolith's expressionless eyes. Leila felt the Monolith's eyes look her up and down and felt a shiver of disapproval. Apparently satisfied, Monolith threw her head back over her shoulder and a voice like rolling thunder erupted from her chest.

'Meeester Kreeeestian?'

From somewhere near Monolith's massive hips a small chipmunk-like face popped into the hallway, spotted Leila and smiled broadly.

'Aha!' His voice was sibilant and flattened by a distinctive lisp. 'You must be the gorgeous Doctor come to see poor old Bugger's bottom. Come on ladies, let the luvvverly lady doctor in. My oh my, aren't you a pretty one?' He stood for a moment leaning back, lips pursed, his hands on his hips shamelessly admiring Leila's svelte figure. She blushed furiously and felt very conscious of her bare legs. She knew she should have worn a longer skirt. But Mr Christian's inspection was over and he was flapping his hands at the Stouts who were scattering before him, for all the world like a couple of bush elephants being chased by a demented wasp. Once the path was cleared he took Leila by the arm and steered her into the reception room, which Leila noticed was exquisitely adorned with the most expensive collection of posters of stunningly handsome male models.

'Mmmmm darling', fluttered Mr Christian, 'I just know that the old Bugger is going to love you.'

Leila blushed furiously and suppressed an unwanted but annoyingly delicious clenching of muscles down there.

'Now do come on, darrrrrling, let's not keep the old Bugger waiting.'

Leila was flounced, rather than led, through a vast and impressive kitchen beyond which a neatly cultivated garden opened out, leading to what appeared to be an unimposing wooden shed. Mr Christian gave her a playful shove in the small of her elegant spine in the direction of the wooden shed. The look of surprise on her exquisite face must have been evident.

'Oh absolutely darrrling, isn't it the strangest business? An international tycoon like the old Bugger actually choosing to make his office in an old garden shed (at this point Mr Christian's pert little nose wrinkled in disgust) but what am I to do?' He sighed and shrugged his shoulders in an exaggerated fashion. Then a slow smile spread across his face and he caught Leila's gaze with a mischievous glance. 'Actually, darrrrrling, I find it all rather adorable. Now go on with you, don't keep the old Bugger waiting.' And the hand gave her another playful shove.

Leila had never felt as self-conscious in her short virginal life as she walked the 25 metres or so to the open door of the wooden shed. As she approached she heard a deep male guttural growling from within, interrupted occasionally by squeaks of feminine apology. Holy Moses, that guttural male growl seemed to stimulate some primal response in her, somewhere at the apex of her impossibly attractive satin thighs. Hesitating for a moment she stepped onto the decking on which the shed was built and peeked timorously inside. Before her eyes could adjust to the dim light within a small, stout woman, elegantly dressed, flew out of the door and passed her, sobbing and clutching a sheaf of papers, some of which were spilling into a paper trail on the garden path. But the voice that followed the fleeing assistant was calm, controlled and undeniably complex.

'Enter.'

Holy cow! Something about that voice was like a delicious knife plunging into her abdomen. It was dark, compelling, dangerous, dominant, edged with the street and adorned with the sophistication that only the finest education can achieve. For some reason her legs felt leaden. She forced herself to take a step into the shed and promptly stumbled, falling ungraciously onto all fours, her medical bag spilling open and gurgitating dressings, syringes, packets of pills. The embarrassment was excruciating and she scrambled to grab the items rolling on the threadbare carpet and stuff them quickly back into her bag. She became aware that her firm pert bottie was protruding provocatively into the air and for the second time that day found herself fervently wishing she had worn a longer skirt. She looked between her legs and saw a distant Mr Christian, hands once again placed firmly on his hips, watching the entertainment with a wolfish smile on his chipmunk face. She realised that he could probably see her knickers and scrambled to her knees. She was again blushing furiously as she grabbed her bag and looked up to find herself looking at the most beautiful man she had ever seen.

Holy Cow!

For some reason she had not been expecting someone so young. He can't be a day over 52. Beneath a mop of disordered spiky hair of the purest white, she was being dismantled by the coolest, warmest, hottest, coldest eyes she had ever seen. Holy Moses! It was as though he was seeing right through her; seeing theconfusion he is causing, the spasms of desire gripping her Inner Goddess. His skin was soft, softer than anything she had ever seen, soft as skin in a photograph that has been airbrushed. His jawline was strong, assertive, his mouth firm and commanding. She was overwhelmed by an insane need to snog him right there and then. Get a grip girl, you're behaving like virgin on a first date. She shook her head and forced herself to think of a fresher metaphor. Damn, no, nothing. It would have to do for now. She could always come back and rewrite this bit later.

Summoning every ounce of self-discipline she stumbled to her feet and smoothed herself down. She was blushing furiously but somehow found the courage to stand and look this Adonis directly in the eye. He seemed consumed by a languid curiosity, which seemed to burn along her spine to her deepest, most feminine centre. His question when it came was quiet, incisive, balanced and delivered with casual precision.

'You're the doctor who's come to look at my bottie?'

She blushed furiously, nodding just a little too fast.

He grinned, a predatory wolverine grin that lit up his face and made his eyes dance with some kind of infectious fever. Holy Moses what is this guy doing to me?

'Well then doctor, we'd better get on with it then.' His voice was soft and seductive but somehow threatening. 'After all I do have an empire to run.'

He rose from behind his desk and that's when she realised - that beneath his expensively tailored Italian check shirt he was wearing the most extraordinarily red pair of lycra cycling shorts. That wasn't all. Clearly visible beneath the taut fabric was the most enormous erection that Leila had ever seen. Holy Fuck. But something stirred deep inside her and she understood that she was totally utterly wet for this exquisite, powerful man. She had to suppress the urge to fall to her knees, release the monster from its cage and take it deep into her willing, virginal mouth. She heard a moan, realising with horror that it was her throat which had produced it. She wrestled her gaze away from the sight of this magnificent manhood and looked directly into the liquid fire of the eyes of the man she now knew she loved.

His mouth was beginning to move, those delicious lips forming the words she so needed to hear - words of love, lust, passion, devotion. She knew she would agree to anything: hard sex, rough sex, soft sex, kinky fuckery, holy cow she'd even agree to be tied to a wooden cross and have his strong finger inserted in her totally unexplored bottie. In an instant her future rolled before her: immense untold wealth, wild dirty fucking, the kind of love and laughter that only true soul mates would ever understand. Her straight fingers, suddenly certain and devoid of trembling, found the clasp on her medical bag and twisted it shut, as though shutting away a whole chapter of her life. Her life before him. Her eyes shone as she met his gaze, confident, loved, wanton with love, lust and everything in between. Ask me, she thought to herself, blushing furiously, ask me!

The most gorgeous man she had ever known rose from his leather chair and moved silently to stand in front of her. Just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him. The words clamoured around her mind like church bells on a wedding day. He took her hand, gently removed the medical bag from her grip and placed it gently on the desk. Holy Moses he moved like a panther in heat. His presence was intoxicating, commanding, erotic. She felt like a mare about to be covered. Her face tilted upwards to receive the first kiss, her breath fast and furious, her nipples two points of molten desire, her sex aching with the need to feel his monstrous manhood inside her. His fingers grazed the back of her hand and the touch went right through her spine, rendering her helpless with desire. Time held itself in suspense, the world turned itself upside down and emptied her previous life into the meaningless lost wilderness of outer space. Holy cow say it, say it, say it. Make me yours. She held her breath as he started to speak, watched his mouth move in that way that sent showers of lust sparking into the void between her thighs. The first vowel was enough to send her over the edge, shattering around him in an irrepressible orgasm.

'So then doctor. Do you need to take a look at my bottie?'