Three's a Circle, Not a Triangle Ch. 12

Who is Susan Jill Parker? If only William knew, would he still want her?

In the way that Zsa Zsa Gabor, Debbie Reynolds, Elizabeth Taylor, and so many others willingly gave their bodies to so many men and promised their love to so many husbands, these beautiful sex sirens were unable to willingly submit enough of themselves to give them their hearts. Even though those women and women like them who were all so beautiful on the outside, forever damaged and tragically broken, they were all so empty and dead on the inside. In the way of a zombie mindlessly going through the motions of vicariously living life by watching how others interact with one another, the walking and unfeeling dead, how can someone so beautiful on the outside be so ugly and vacant on the inside? When it came to feeling normal emotions, desensitized, demoralized, and feeling guilty that being sexually abused was all somehow their fault, there was no one home and the messages of emotionally caring for their lover went unanswered.

Hiding behind their smiling masks of makeup, their endless numbers of plastic surgeries, and their expensive, custom tailored wardrobes, survivors of sexual abuse swept what happened to them under the rug by preferring to show who they're not rather than who they are. Afraid and unable to show who they are for fear they'd be rejected, the sexually abused women of the world soothe and numb their pain with alcohol, drugs, and/or sex but never with love. Unable to confess their dark secrets that would expose the monster that they have hidden inside, they're doomed to be alone even when with their boyfriend, their husband, their lesbian lover, and/or with a room full of people. Just wanting to be left alone and preferring the quiet to the static that runs through their heads in the way of an endless freight train grinding steel on steel, too haunted by the past to live in the present, they dread the future. Unable to give what the other wants, they run from love and from any romantic and emotional relationship where they are forced to feel and confront something that invades their being and that makes them feel trapped and uncomfortable.

Concentrating his attention more on his fetishes than on her, William didn't have a clue who Susan Jill Parker was. How could he? Other than watching her act in her porn films, he thought he knew her by watching her in porn movies but he didn't know who she was when not on camera. Maybe afraid that the sexual fantasy bubble that he has of her would burst and he'd be disappointed, he didn't want to take the time to know who she was. More focused on the outside package, maybe it was as simple as he didn't care who she was on the inside. More focused on her bras, on her panties, and on her shoes, even though he'd say differently, he didn't even care about her in the way he cared for his cold, bitchy wife of thirty-something years. More focusing his eyes, his mind, and his heart on her beauty and on something so elusive and on something that he could never possess, the fleeting image of a sexual fantasy, he more stared at her underwear clad and naked body than at the woman herself.

Who was she? He may thought he knew and surely he did on the surface, but he really didn't know her. Why did she move here, of all the places that she could have lived, when she could have lived anywhere? This is a mature neighborhood of older residents. There's nothing here for her but quiet while watching the neighbors being taken out in ambulances one by one to live the rest of the lives in nursing homes before being taken to the morgue and buried in the cemetery. Surely, of all the hip places to live, this wasn't the neighborhood that would welcome a porn star, if only they knew she was a porn star. Other than he and his wife knowing what she did for a living to make her living, always wearing sunglasses, baggy clothes, and a hat to hide her fame, no one else knew.

Other than that she was a porn star, the little that he read of her in her online biography, and that she was his sexy neighbor who paraded around her bedroom in her underwear before stripping naked and masturbating, he didn't know anything else about her. With his voyeurism and fetishes for her panties, bras, and high heeled shoes getting in the way of his commonsense, if only William knew what he was seeing wasn't really Susan Jill Parker at all, would he still be as enamored with her and as sexually attracted to her as he is now? Chances are, content just to watch her flaunt her underwear clad and naked body to him, not wanting to take the time to explore the inner workings of her, other than continuing his sexual fantasy, he probably would no longer be interested in having a relationship with her. Being that he already had a wife and a life, why would he dare want a mistress who live across the street from his house?

Troubled, problematic, damaged, and an emotional mess, she'd never reveal the real woman that hid behind her pain, her sorrow, and behind her mask of makeup to anyone, especially not to him. Hiding behind her perfectly pretty facade, she was just acting when she stripped down to her underwear and when she gave him her naked striptease show before masturbating herself in the way that he and his wife did too. Every night she gave him an encore performance and every night he watched while masturbating with her. Only he made the mistake of thinking that she was just as perversely perverted as he was. She wasn't perversely perverted at all. He thought she was just as sexually satisfied by exposing her body to him as much as he was sexually excited in watching her expose her body to him before masturbating to him masturbating with her. Even though she was a porn star, a good, moral, conservative woman of character, in the way that Marie Osmond dresses sexy against her Mormon religion, just playing a role, she may be sexy but, in real life, she wasn't slutty. Moreover, hard to believe being that she was a porn star, she wasn't even sexual at all.

Sexually abused at young ages, all three woman, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Debbie Reynolds, and Elizabeth Taylor, and so many others like them, Oprah Winfrey, Queen Latifah, Susan Somers, Vanessa Williams, Mary J. Blige, McKensie Phillips, Teri Hatcher, and Ashley Judd, all shared the same, horrible, dark secrets that Susan hid behind her smiling, happy demeanor. Able to readily strip off her clothes and get naked on a director's cue, yet emotionally detached from the sexy scenes, she was too vulnerable and too angry to give any more of herself other than her naked, physical body. A survivor of sexual abuse, with her self-esteem and confidence battered but somehow still intact to continue to keep her safe from the onslaught of men still wanting to sexually abuse her, she struggled not to crumble when most days she'd just want to curl up in the fetal position and sleep.

Most days, when she wasn't sad and when she wasn't clinically depressed, she was angry. Yet, no matter how she felt, she'd never remove the pretense behind her eyes that kept her safe from men getting too close to her, close enough to hurt her again. One more man hurting her by forcing her to do something sexual that she didn't want to do may put her over the edge. Willing to allow men to control her by paying her huge sums of money to pretend that she enjoyed having sex, men could control her body but they'd never control her mind. The Oscars of porn, if only those in charge knew how much she acted while having sex for money, they'd give her the AVN award for the best female in a starring role.

No longer a victim, instead now turning the tables on men with her intelligence, it took her a while to discover how to use men with her shapely body and control men with her beautiful face. It took her a while to find the outlet to do what making porn movies has helped her to do in feeling safely removed from all of those men who want her and who've hurt her. Just an acting role to her, men may have sex with her, but she'd never feel about them the way they feel about her. With something missing inside, she couldn't possibly want them and love them in the way they loved and lusted over her. She had a blockage in her head and in her heart that stopped her from loving anyone, even herself, especially herself. With her emotions severed as if cut with a knife, love didn't exist to her only sex did.

As characterized by her porn star occupation and her need to be admired for her beauty and lusted over for her sexuality, William had no idea that her mind was so troubled. How could he possibly know she was so emotionally disturbed when her face and body were so beautiful? Her mind was her safe place to disappear and to go when needing to be alone with her sad self. No doubt watching her on the evening news one day, she'd be one of those people who'd shoot and kill the dozen men who had sexually and secretly abused her, before the police shot her dead or before she killed herself. Never just having one abuser, as if sexual abusers knew those who were the most vulnerable, every sexually abused victim had more than one abuser. Instead of being a happy housewife with children, she'd be one of those people that the neighbors would be clueless about who she really was.

"Always keeping to herself, never any trouble, she seemed so nice. We had no idea she was angry enough to murder her uncle, her cousin, her four brothers, and her producer, director, and co-stars. She was always so happy and friendly. She was so very beautiful. How someone so beautiful could be such a cold blooded, calculating killer amazes me," her neighbors, no doubt, would say on the evening news after hearing about and reading about the tragic incident. "We had no idea she was a porn star."

Unable to have a normal relationship and unable to feel love in the way that others feel love, not even given a chance to feel anything, early on, sexual abuse ruined how she felt about love and about men. Not trusting men, she feared and ran from men in the way she feared love and ran from love. Even though she had four, older brothers, never close to them in the way she should have been, perhaps because they were so much older than she was, they did nothing to help her other than to sexually use and abuse her.

Then when she finally gave enough of herself to fall in love, her ex emotionally abused her and routinely beat her. Slamming her head against a wall, choking her and slapping her, he took pleasure in pushing her down the stairs. Promising he'd never hurt her again, he'd apologize to her and buy her something nice or take her somewhere expensive. Back to normal, their relationship was all good, until his demons surfaced again and until the violent, physical abuse happened again. Knowing she so wanted a child and to have children, the last straw was when he told her that he secretly had a vasectomy two years before. Blaming herself for not being able to conceive, they had been trying for two years to have a child.

As if a steel curtain shuttered her mind against men and against falling in love again, as far as she was concerned, her love life was over. The only thing left was empty, meaningless sex, the kind of sex that came with prostitution and/or pornography. Deciding against prostitution, even though she was prostituting herself by having sex in a porn movie for money, she was done with men as lovers but not done with men as her way to earn a living as a porn star in porn movies. In the way that men used her before, she'd use them now.

Because she never knew her father, she always searched for her Daddy. Always looking for Daddy in her attraction to older men, she grew up without a father. With her mother an incestuous whore and a prostitute, when she discovered that her mother had been having sex with her four brothers for twenty years and when her brothers started sexually abusing her, she suspected that it was one of her brothers who fathered her. How fucked up is that? For years, wishing she had been aborted, she carried that incestuous guilt around with her that she was nothing more than an incestuous freak of nature and that no one wanted or loved her other than for sex. Giving men sex was the only thing she had left to use for her to get what she so wanted and needed. Being that she was already so spoiled and so damaged, having nothing more to lose but for her self-respect, sex was what defined her and sex was what men wanted. Sex, sex, sex, it was all about sex and now that the decision was hers, she was willing to trade sex for money.

If she was given a preference, in the way of Marlene Dietrich, she just wanted to be left alone. She had enough money squirreled away to isolate herself if being left alone was what she really wanted. She'd never have to bother with another man and have sex again, if that's what she really wanted. Now that she had a successful movie career and lots of money, she didn't need men in the way that she needed men before. Making a silent pledge in the way of making a New Year's resolution, forever to be stricken from her life, she was done with men.

It's tragically funny how a porn star would rather live her life alone and without a man than with a man. Yet, oxymoronically, still beckoning for sexual attention and still wanting men's adulation, admiration, and applause, here she was stripping herself naked and masturbating herself in front of her windows for her new, male neighbor to see. Why? Why here? Why now? Why him? Old enough to be her father, why did she feel compelled to expose her body to her older neighbor who lived across the street from her?

An 18-year-old virgin and an easy victim when her innocence was taken from her in the way that it was taken by her uncle and her virginity stolen from her by her older cousin, sexually used and abused, her emotional growth was tragically stunted. She trusted her uncle and her cousin not to hurt and rape her but they did. Never reaching adulthood with her sound mind intact, she was still that lost, frightened, little girl now that she was then. Never given the chance, she never had the opportunity to fully emotionally mature for her to feel all the real, raw emotions that a woman should feel when going through the rites of passage of falling in love. Instead of something beautiful, pleasurable, and enjoyable, sex was something dirty, forbidden, and forced. Not even able to trust her own brothers, with her four brothers constantly at her, saying inappropriate, sexual things to her, groping her, exposing themselves to her, and trying to see her naked, she never felt the normal emotion of wanting and needing a man. Not nearly the same, she only felt the lustful emotion of a man wanting, needing, and lusting over her.

Truth be told, even though she continued having sex with men, she hated men. Having sex with men was just a job to her, a job that she excelled at doing when on the movie set and the director called, "Action!" Able to turn it on and turn it off, the only real feelings she had left were saved for the camera and for her co-star. As big and as looming as a boogie man who lived in her closet, always there was the fear and the lack of trust that kept her at a distance from all men, especially her relatives.

In the way that she hated and feared men, one would think that someone like her would be lesbian and maybe she was lesbian. When on camera, she made love to women in the way she made love to men. In the way that she kissed a woman and showed passion for a woman was if she was having sex with a man. She could be a lesbian but she wasn't. Kissing and making love to a woman on screen was just another role she played when acting. If given the choice, she more enjoyed kissing and making love to a man.

Just as she acted when making love with men, she acted the same way when making love with women. Just a part to play, she'd remove herself from the role by taking her mind elsewhere while she sucked, licked, and fucked her co-stars. One would think that an actress who removed herself from the scene was doing an injustice to the movie, but no one knew that she wasn't there when the camera was shooting the sex scenes. Still able to convincingly play her part, in the same sad regard, acting while having sex in a porn movie was much like being sexually abused. Having learned at an early age that she must endure to survive, she's well practiced in doing things that she not only hated to do but also was forced to do. Now, at least she was paid money to do them.

In watching her in her porn films and in seeing her standing there naked now, William thought he knew Susan. For her to strip naked and masturbate in front of him while watching him strip naked and masturbate in front of her, he thought she was attracted to him. Especially after watching her model her panty, bra, and high heeled shoes for him nightly, he thought she wanted him. Using him, a month of panty after panty, bra after bra, and shoe after shoe, meaning more to him than it did to her, acting again, her nightly modeling for him in her sexy underwear was just a show to her and nothing more. Being that her bra and panties were already there on the bed and her shoes were lined up in front of the bed, he only wished he could watch her model all of her panties, all of her bras, and all of her shoes on the same night.

He couldn't be more wrong about her. For him to think that she was attracted enough to him to want him, he didn't know her at all. How could he possibly know how she felt inside when he was so taken and so focused only with the outside package and on her sexy lingerie? Even though he saw her, stared at her, and leered at her, he wasn't seeing who she is. To imagine that someone so sexual on the outside wasn't sexual at all on the inside would be impossible for him to understand.

Other than her online profile, he didn't know much about her. Just seeing an empty shell of who she was and who she could have been, he didn't know her background. More caring about seeing her in her bra and in her panty while walking around her bedroom in her high heeled shoes, before seeing her naked, he never wondered why she did the things she did. Just glad that she modeled for him in her underwear before stripping herself naked and masturbating, he was just happy that she was exposing herself and playing with herself in front of him.

Glad that she continued with her nightly show of exhibitionism and voyeurism, even when knowing that she was being watched, he never wondered why she became a porn star. Too focused on her underwear clad and naked body, he was just glad that she was. Reliving the experience all over again in her porn movies, he didn't know that she never forgot what it felt like to be so touched and so forced to do the sexual things that she was forced to do when she didn't want to do what men forced her to do. Having sex without enjoying it, without taking pleasure in it, and not receiving any sexual satisfaction from it, if only he knew that she always dreaded being touched, felt, fondled, groped, caressed, and kissed, he'd be shocked. If only he knew how she really felt, how someone like her could be a porn star would be beyond his comprehension.

How could he possibly know that someone so perfect on the outside was so broken on the inside? He had no idea that someone who looked like her could feel the way she did, sadly depressed and increasingly angry, scratch the surface and she had a rage that surfaced from out of the blue. Moreover, obviously and honestly, even if he knew, he wouldn't care why someone who looked like her was so broken and so angry. If he had taken the time to learn more about her and to understand her, perhaps he'd have a better chance of bedding her. The exact opposite to men, women didn't care what a man looked like on the outside or about their chronological age. They more cared about how the man treated them, respected them, and provided for them.