Tommy - A Life Pt. 09

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Thor and Stephen

Thor seemed uncharacteristically quiet one night. No real conversation over dinner and a cursory goodbye when he returned to the gym for a few hours. Even when he returned, he barely spoke before getting into bed. Once in bed, Tommy felt a distance from Thor, his touch returned with little attention.

"Something troubling you, love?" Tommy asked him.

Thor looked at Tommy with distress in his eyes.

"I don't know how to say this." Thor struggled with every syllable. "I met someone today."

Tommy tried to keep his concern from his face.

"And?"

"And, I wasn't looking for anything, I was just there in the bank getting change for the juice bar cash register, and suddenly, there he was in the line next to me. He's not even my 'type', I can't believe just seeing him there has affected me so much."

"What's his name?" Tommy asked.

"Stephen."

"You talked with him?"

"Yes, he caught me looking at him. I can't explain it. It was like something came over me and I had to look at him." Thor looked pained.

"And?"

"And I made some small talk about doing bank business, the weather, and stuff like that. Then I asked him if he'd like to have coffee or something."

"And?"

"And we did, had coffee at the shop next to the bank. Nothing happened, and yet I can't explain why I feel this way. I'm confused. I know I love you. I never imagined I'd be as happy as I've been since we've been together."

"Thor, I love you. Nothing on earth can change that. I know you love me, too. What we share is just that, between us. I don't know why you're so involved in this, but I guess it doesn't matter, you are. I don't want to lose you, not even for a minute, but I don't own you. If this is causing you such distress, then it's something you have to find out about. I'm afraid if you don't, wondering about it might destroy what we have. I want you here with me, but my love doesn't have conditions."

Thor began to cry. Tommy held him and fought off feelings of panic.

The next morning, Thor lay awake in the bed. Tommy felt the rigidity of his entire body, not the welcoming embrace he had come to expect. Thor asked softly, "Do you want me to move out?"

"Thor, this is your home. I welcomed you here with no requirements. Moving out doesn't make any sense. I want you to be comfortable with us, with living here. I don't make any demands on you, except to tell me what you're feeling, what you're thinking. I won't claim to be disinterested, but I'll try to be a friend, not just a lover."

Thor left for the gym. Tommy took the day off from his work out, the first time they had not worked out together. Tommy missed Thor and was afraid. He was more afraid that making demands of Thor would drive him away. Tommy hated compromising his own wants, but he loved Thor more.

Thor stayed away all day and didn't return until late that night. He crept into bed. Tommy was awake and turned toward Thor. "Can you talk about it?"

"Yeah, I was with Stephen. He works for a company downtown, accounting or something. We just had dinner together at a Chinese place. He can't use chopsticks to save his life. He's skinny, losing his hair, affected and I can't believe I can't get him out of my mind."

"Are you going to see him again?"

"Friday night, with some of his friends, a club near the waterfront." Thor's staccato replies sounded more aggravated then eager.

Tommy leaned over to kiss Thor, wanting to make a connection. Thor began to cry again. "Oh Tommy, I can't. I just can't. How can I make love to you when I have him in my head."

"Can I at least hold you? For now, just as a friend, someone who cares deeply about what you're feeling. Yes, I want to make love to you. I want to ease your heart any way I can. I love you, Thor, no matter what." Tommy enfolded the large man in his arms and stroked his chest soothingly. Thor snuggled back. They both felt Tommy's hard cock pressed against Thor's back, but ignored desire, seeking comfort not release.

Thor was out many evenings, but returned to Tommy's house and to Tommy's bed. He told of the outings, mostly with a group of Stephen's friends. Thor didn't understand why Stephen didn't want to be alone with him, but had to take time with him as he could.

Tommy tried to draw him out about what attracted Thor to Stephen to help Thor know is own mind. Tommy often felt jealous, but tried to keep that out of his conversations with Thor. Thor needed his best, most rational help. So Tommy pushed down the anguish he felt in is heart and spoke with Thor's best interests in mind.

Several weeks passed with Thor's disquieting obsession with Stephen growing. One night Thor did not return. Tommy tried to push away the frightening and panic-laden images that crowded his mind. Had there been an accident? Was Thor hurt and in need of help? Why hadn't he called Tommy? After exhausting the tragic but unlikely, Tommy wrestled with images of Thor with Stephen in bed, in each other's arms, in love. Tommy spent the night in this torment until, at last, sleep came.

The sound of heavy, despondent steps on the stairway brought Tommy awake. The first light of dawn softly brightened the room. The apartment door, then the bedroom door opened. Thor stood in the doorway, physically fine, emotionally beaten. His clothes were disheveled. Even his short-cropped hair seemed askew. He stood in the doorway and stared at Tommy, shame all across his face. His jaw began to tremble. A single tear caught the morning light as it tumbled down his face.

"Will you take me back?" Thor asked softly.

"I never let you go." Tommy replied.

"Can you forgive me? I understand if you can't." Thor hung his head.

"There is nothing to forgive. One's heart goes where it will - one's dick does too - but I think that's not the story here." Tommy tried to lighten the mood a little. "I have enough confidence in our love to not be afraid of the rest of the world, that it will survive events along the way." Tears were now streaming down Thor's face. "Come here, come into the bed," Tommy gently directed.

Thor crossed the space and fell onto the bed face first, fully clothed. His body was wracked with sobs. Tommy could not hold back his own tears. They lay together and wept. In time the emotional storm passed. They lay in each other's arms catching their breath.

"What happened?" Tommy asked at length.

"We were at a club, with his friends. I asked him if we could be alone. He made excuses for a while, but I don't know, maybe he felt I was pressuring him or had some obligation, but he finally said we could go to his apartment. When we got there, we just sat on his wreck of a couch. I tried to kiss him, but he wouldn't let me, he just sat there. I tried to touch him, but he was so cold. After a while he just got up and went into the bedroom. I followed him in. He stripped and got under the covers. When I took off my clothes, he stared at me, didn't say a word, it was creepy. Still there he was in the bed. My cock was on fire, I had to be with him. So I got in the bed and started making out with him, trying to kiss and touch him. He just laid there. He wasn't even hard. I even sucked him, but nothing." Thor stopped and relived the prior night in his mind.

He continued, "I was wild to be with him. I pressed up against him, tried to hold him against me. That's when it all came apart. He began shouting. He called me a big-dicked freak, muscle moron, and I don't know what else. I can't get the image of his distorted face out of my mind." Thor turned away.

Tommy pursued him across the bed, holding him. "That must have been awful. You know it's not true, well you do have a big dick and this body is extraordinary, but you're not a freak or a moron. You're a loving, gentle, caring man. You're beautiful, beautiful in body, mind, and soul. I desire you intensely."

Thor turned back toward Tommy. "Make love to me. Make love to me the way we did that first night we were together. Make me yours again. Take me and hurt me. I need to be used by you."

Tommy smiled gently. "No, Thor. I won't, can't use you. I will make love to you, with you. I'll try to show how much I love you, try to make you feel my love. Take your clothes off. I want to see my beautiful man. I want to feel all of you against me. I want to become one with you."

Thor removed his clothes, tentative in his movements, often checking the expression on Tommy's face. Whatever he may have feared seeing there, he saw only admiration, love, and lust. Tommy welcomed Thor back into the bed and covered him with kisses. Relief flooded Thor's heart. He crushed Tommy to his chest, holding with all his strength. And they made love. They made love with all the intensity of new lovers and the tenderness of lovers for a lifetime.

Tommy was thrusting deep inside Thor when Thor asked him to be still a moment. "Are you all right?" Tommy asked, concerned.

"Oh yes, I'm all right. I'm right for the first time in a long time. I just had to feel you inside me, on me, with me, quietly for a moment. I need to put this memory into my heart, so I always will know what it is to be truly loved." They held each other, feeling heart beat against heart. Then passion returned and they consumed each other in complete abandon.

They lay in each other's arms, feeling the aftershocks of profound orgasms. Thor began to chuckle. "He was so skinny. He had a sunken chest, you could see his ribs. I don't know what I saw in him. He's a shit, has loud, stupid friends. And he had a really little dick. Nice balls, but a really little dick. Oh Tommy, thank you. Thank you for being so beautiful. Thank you for making love to me. Thank you for loving me. I've missed you dreadfully. Thank you for taking me back - you have taken me back, haven't you?"

Tommy wrapped his arms around Thor tighter. "Just try to get away. You are my love. Now don't you have something long, thick and hard for me?"

***

After they had slaked their next passion, there was a discrete knock at the door. They sat up in the bed, arms still around each other. Tommy called, "Come in."

Hopkins entered the room, smiling. "Excuse me, sir, but I wanted to inform you that breakfast is available in the dining room." He turned to go, but turned again to face them. "Forgive my forwardness, but Mrs. Hopkins and I were growing concerned. The house had begun to lack something. And Mr. Joseph, she has commented several times how she has missed your advice in the kitchen these many weeks. We are very pleased to see that things have returned to normal." He bowed and retired from the room.

Thor opened his mouth to apologize but Tommy covered his mouth in a kiss. They lay in bed a while longer, holding each other, feeling the love they shared.

***

A few weeks later, Thor came home in the evening. Tommy could hear him come up the stairs, anger pounding each step. He heard the doors of the flat open and slam closed until Thor found him in the study. Thor's face was red from anger. He replied to Tommy's questioning look, "I ran into the scrawny bastard, Stephen, at the bank again. He had the nerve to say 'hello' to me. I asked him, right there in the middle of the bank, why he had done it, why he ever agreed to see me. And do you know what he said?" Tommy shook his head no.

"He said that I was too easy. He was curious how far he could play me along, see how crazy he could make me. And he wanted to show off for his friends. After we had coffee that first time, he told them he had a new boyfriend, a great big hunk. They said he was bullshitting, so he played me along to prove it. And I fell for it."

"Thor, go easy on yourself. Stephen was playing a game, you were sincere. I can't say I'm unhappy the way things turned out, but you didn't deserve this deception. What I can't believe is that he didn't see the Thor I see, the Thor I love. Call up Bobby, have him cover the gym tonight. I want you here with me."

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: Billy Returns

Thor and Tommy were walking home from seeing a film. A man, clearly drunk, stumbled into them. Tommy caught him, to keep him from falling. The man righted himself and his eyes met Tommy's.

"Tommy!"

"Oh god, Billy," Tommy cried out. "What are you doing here? I never thought I'd see you again. Oh god, Billy." Tommy embraced Billy, holding him to his heart. Thor stood to one side, his jaw tight.

Billy's knees began to buckle. Tommy straightened him up again. "Thor, we've got to get him home. He's in no condition to be on the street. Billy, where are you staying?" Billy managed to say his old apartment. Tommy, with grudging help from Thor, hauled Billy to his apartment. The lobby staff were shocked to see the familiar faces of Tommy and Thor, recognizing them despite the intervening years. Tommy felt an oppressive déjà vu as they entered Tommy's apartment. It had been renovated in a more modern style.

Tommy went into the kitchen and made coffee as Thor escorted Billy into the living room. Billy drank the coffee as Tommy and Thor watched.

"Tommy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I gave in." Tears ran down his face. "But I had to, they said they'd destroy you. My father is on the advisory board of the university and my grandfather has contributed heavily. They said if I didn't give you up, you'd lose everything, everything you've worked for. I was afraid they wouldn't stop there. I'm so sorry."

Tommy asked, "Where did you go? Where have you been?"

Billy took a while to collect himself. "Well let's see. On that awful day I left you, I got on a plane to California. Two weeks later I was married - to a very lovely girl from a family my family approved. The poor dear. I got drunk on that plane to California and have been inside a bottle ever since. Oh god, Tommy, I've missed you. But I've hurt you, terribly. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Billy, I don't know. I loved you, I will always love you. But I'm with Thor now. I love him, he loves me. We've built our life together. He's everything I want and he's more than that. He is my life."

Billy sobered at these words. Tommy had crossed the room to sit beside Thor. Thor reached out a hand and placed it on Tommy's knee, relief on his face.

"Oh god, Tommy, what am I going to do? I ran away from my life, again." Billy was despondent.

"Billy, you need help, more than I can give you. I'll be your friend, I'll do anything I can to help you find yourself, but I think you need to make some real changes in your life. Will you be all right here on your own tonight?" Thor bridled. "We can call someone to stay with you if you need it." Thor relaxed.

Billy indicated that he would ok for the night. Tommy promised to return the next day to help Billy make a plan and find the help he needed.

As they left Billy's apartment, Thor put his arm around Tommy's shoulders and held him tight. "You had me a little worried there, mister."

"I'm sorry Thor, finding Billy, after all this time, and finding him like that, drunk and defeated. I felt so sorry for him, so sad for what his life has become. I also felt how lucky I am to have found you. Billy gave me the gift of a fairy tale love - don't you laugh at me, you know what I mean. I don't know what my life would be now if he hadn't left me, but that doesn't matter. I know what my life is now with you and what I hope my life will be forever. Thor, I love you."

They returned to Tommy's house, now as much Thor's house, and went to bed. The sadness of finding Billy softened Tommy's mood. Thor caressed and kissed him. Tommy's arousal grew despite the emotional distraction. After a time, Tommy returned Thor's persistent affection. Their mutual orgasm surprised them, the result of loving touch, not impassioned sex. Tommy sank into Thor's embrace, his heart content.

Tommy returned to help Billy the next day. He had done some research early in the day about alcohol abuse and its treatment. He had contacted some friends in the medical school at the university, asking for references for medical doctors and psychiatrists. He presented his findings to Billy, saying that he wasn't qualified to make any recommendations, but encouraged him to consider medical and psychiatric evaluation. Tommy said he would go with him, stand at this side throughout the process.

Billy was gray faced. "I think I've known for a while I needed to take action. I think death was the most appealing alternative. Thank you Tommy. I guess I'll take your suggestions. I have no other thoughts of my own. I'm just sorry for all the pain I've caused you. It was never in my mind to hurt you. I hope you know that."

Tommy escorted him to the university hospital. Tommy's friends had arranged appointments for a physical examination, blood work up, a psychiatric analysis. Tommy held Billy's hand through all but the last. Billy had to face the psychiatrist alone. Billy emerged downcast, but managed to smile at Tommy who waited outside the examining room door.

"The initial recommendation is for me to admit myself to a dry out hospital. My only challenge there is finding one not already filled up with my relatives. Tommy, I'm already so lonely. I can't imagine being locked up like that. I also can't imagine that I'd have the willpower to do this myself." Tommy's head hung. "It's probably for the best, will you come visit if it's allowed?"

"Billy, of course I'll come visit - as a friend. I care for you and want what is best, but I don't want you to have the idea that we can be what we were to each other."

"Yeah, I know." Billy collapsed further. "I messed up my life, messed up your life, messed up some poor girl in California. I let them decide for me."

"Billy, you didn't mess up my life. You made my life possible in so many ways. You saved me when I was drifting into depression and hopelessness. You made me see my own value. You loved me and showed me how to love. And I thank you for that. And then, in what I gather was a remarkable triumph, you saved me again by providing for me."

"I said I'd give you the world, and I meant it, Tommy. And I guess I've realized that we can't go back. But it was so sweet, so lovely, such fun. I should thank you also for showing me innocence and sincerity. I realized too late how much you meant to me, and then all I could do was extort money from them, for you." Billy turned to go. Tommy stepped up to him and hugged him. Billy said quietly, "I've got to go now. They've opened a place for me at a hospital west of the city. It should be a pleasant drive. Good bye, Tommy, you've probably saved my life."

***

A postcard arrived from Billy a few weeks later.

My jailors will now allow me visitors. Weekends 2 to 4. I've made every effort to undermine the system here with little success. Please come and confirm that the outside world still exists.

Billy

Thor gave the card to Tommy with a question on his face. "Yes, Thor, I'm going to go visit Billy. Would you like to come along?" Thor declined.

Tommy had never purchased a car, living in the city. Now he needed one to get to a distant suburb. He was talking over the coming trip to visit Billy at the gym one morning. Bobby walked by as Tommy wondered aloud where he could find a car for the trip.

Bobby backed up and butted in, "my old man's got a car he never uses. I bet I could borrow it, but I'd have to do the driving. Dad's nuts about his stuff and who uses it." Tommy accepted the tentative offer, explaining that he needed to visit a friend in a hospital on occasional weekends. Bobby was always eager to help Thor and Tommy and agreed to try.

By Saturday, Bobby had obtained permission to use the car. He arranged to pick up Tommy at the gym in time to get to the hospital at two. Bobby drove with exaggerated care through the city. He relaxed more once on the highway and began to talk about difficulties with his boyfriend, Brad. "Oh he's great fun, we go dancing and hang out with friends. But he's not really into just being the two of us. I might be expecting too much, but I really want what you and Thor have, an old fashioned love, not that you guys are old or anything."